Thai child separation anxiety

[Kenny202]

Been with my Thai girl 6 months now. I knew she had a 2 1/2 year old child when I met her and I told her I wasn't interested in having the child live with me. I also take care of my own son 2yo from a previous relationship. Her child was living with an Auntie and things changed and one day the child was on my doorstep. I resisted of course but the girl I have now is an absolute gem. Thoughtful, caring, submissive. By far the best girl I've had here and I have had many. She is great with my son and he adores her. So.....while I am in no way interested doing the wife and 2 kids thing at 55yo I am persevering. 

 

Her child is actually quite well behaved. Will play by himself etc but he goes absolutely Apesht when his mother is not in sight. It was that bad at first she couldn't go to the toilet or shower. She has been a single mum since the child was born and left the child with relatives to go and work as they do, blowing in and out of the child's life. The child has been neglected and was living with the child's fathers family for a time and may have been physically abused. She's actually a very good mum...she doesn't spoil him to avoid tantrums and is not averse to giving him a whack on the a$$ either but she is soft and a typical Thai in as much as she would rather deal with the symptoms than fix the problem.

 

For example he sleeps in our bedroom but in his bed alone. Most nights she has to go and lay in bed with him at least until he goes to sleep and then usually wakes up an hour later and same same. This in itself probably not a big deal but it just seems to go on all day from one thing to another. If he is not going off his rocker about something he is constantly moaning for attention. Look at me...look at me. She can't even eat her meal in peace. Virtually every minute he is giving her a "job" to do and much of the time she just mindlessly does what he wants, more to keep the peace than anything. The worst thing is some of his traits are rubbing off on my boy. My girl really has no idea what to do and is happy for me to take the lead and discipline him but I'm running out of ideas. Putting him in a room alone (time out), explaining consequences and following through. Tried all the positive stuff too and of course plenty of good old smacks....and I don't smack soft. I just can't seem to break him. I am not jealous or anything like that but it is debilitating. I know it has nothing to do with our relationship as the relatives caring for him had the same thing. They used to ask the missus not to go and visit him as it undid all of the work they had done to make him "liveable". He just wants her 24/7

 

Anyone been through a similar thing? It does seem to be a very common thing here, obviously because children are so often abandoned here so young.

[Get Real]

When I read this, I directly wonder if it´s more worng with you than the boy. Smacking, and I don´t smack soft??? You know that is something that are not to be used today?
You are questioning if the boy was abused by his father before, when you abude him as a stepfather whenever you wont it seems like. You should feel ashamed of yourself.

55 years old and preserving??? An age at 55 year old is nothing to state as an old age today. On the other hand you should have a smack yourself. Not a soft one. So that you wake up and understand how to deal with children at the psychological level. There you are right about that they are not very practical about things her. They rather see it trough than solve the problem.

It´s there when you can come in, but it seems to me you are more tired than her. You also state that you knew she had a child at the age of 2 1/2 years old when you met her, but you clearly stated that you did not want anything to do with her child, and that the child was not welcome to live with you. You had one yourself that lived with you. After that you say that she is the best girl in the world for you. To me it seems that she just choose you for financial security if it exists, due to that you are not fair to her and her child, at the same time as she is to ignorant about her child so that she did not give you a kick in the face when you stated that she could live with you but not your child.

Your comment speaks of evil, and I am amazed how , so many as you state, have been having a relationship with you. That as your values regarding children is mean. If it´s not yours you don´t want it, but the mother is okey to live and sleep with. If the child does not behave, you act like a caveman and disciplin by hitting. You should be reported to relevant international and local authorities.

Get a grip of life. Take your child and live alone, or help your girlfriend to sort out the problem with her child in the right way.

[Kenny202]

1 hour ago, Get Real said:

When I read this, I directly wonder if it´s more worng with you than the boy. Smacking, and I don´t smack soft??? You know that is something that are not to be used today?
You are questioning if the boy was abused by his father before, when you abude him as a stepfather whenever you wont it seems like. You should feel ashamed of yourself.

55 years old and preserving??? An age at 55 year old is nothing to state as an old age today. On the other hand you should have a smack yourself. Not a soft one. So that you wake up and understand how to deal with children at the psychological level. There you are right about that they are not very practical about things her. They rather see it trough than solve the problem.

It´s there when you can come in, but it seems to me you are more tired than her. You also state that you knew she had a child at the age of 2 1/2 years old when you met her, but you clearly stated that you did not want anything to do with her child, and that the child was not welcome to live with you. You had one yourself that lived with you. After that you say that she is the best girl in the world for you. To me it seems that she just choose you for financial security if it exists, due to that you are not fair to her and her child, at the same time as she is to ignorant about her child so that she did not give you a kick in the face when you stated that she could live with you but not your child.

Your comment speaks of evil, and I am amazed how , so many as you state, have been having a relationship with you. That as your values regarding children is mean. If it´s not yours you don´t want it, but the mother is okey to live and sleep with. If the child does not behave, you act like a caveman and disciplin by hitting. You should be reported to relevant international and local authorities.

Get a grip of life. Take your child and live alone, or help your girlfriend to sort out the problem with her child in the right way.

Its very hard to understand much of what you are saying due to your spelling and grammar, however I will "preserve".

 

Firstly I do not enjoy smacking, only as a last resort and then I make it meaningful. I don't believe in endless yak yak that goes no where and teaches them nothing. The abuse I am talking about were lit cigarettes and worse.

 

Who said you don't smack children these days? General society? because last time I looked many kids today are no good for anything but sitting in a room all day playing violent computer games and wondering why the rest of the world doesn't care about their feelings. Company I worked for virtually abandoned any idea of employing fresh out of schoolers as most were selfish, entitled and useless.

 

Any kid needs psychological coaching and discipline of course, and to me smacking is part of that albeit a last resort. I respect everyones opinion including your own and issues of disciplining children are devisive. I do not understand much of what you are saying but my intentions are good, certainly not evil. If that were the case I would not be on here seeking advice.

 

 

Edited June 3, 2018 by Kenny202

[Get Real]

10 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

Its very hard to understand much of what you are saying due to your spelling and grammar, however I will "preserve".

Easily said, my point is that you are going at it the totally wrong way. Your methods are more neanderthal than belonging to this century. On the other hand, if you want to put yourself at the level of understanding and solving capacities that exists as a general level in this country. Yeah, dude! Then you put yourself in the right place.

 

10 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

 

Firstly I do not enjoy smacking, only as a last resort and then I make it meaningful. I don't believe in endless yak yak that goes no where and teaches them nothing. The abuse I am talking about were lit cigarettes and worse.

Ooh! You don´t like samcking?! Don´t do it then. It´s not something you shall need to use as a last resort. That only means that your capacity of dealing in a psychological way with the matter at hand, resolved to violence. Same like you see in the streets and in domestic issues. People can´t deal with problems by talking, separation or police assistance. They resort to violence, that often turns into deadly outcome. That is what you are teching the child from start. To use violence when the brain function just can´t deal with it verbally no more.

 

Children do not do as you say, they do as you do. An old expression you must have heard before. There is never anything meaningful in using violence to make a child understand. That is just another kind of abuse, which you are trying to hide with trying to present something that is on a higher and more evil level of abuse. Like lit cigarettes. What you do is still abuse, and will always remain abuse.

Why are you even mentioning "yak yak", and that you don´t belive in endless version of it? Every normal person know that "yak yak" not leads to a positive result. Another thing that most people at your age also are aware of, is the differens between endless "yak yak" and a meaningful conversation together with repeatingly explaining things in a psychological way at a level that a child can understand and relate to. That´s the differens between "yak yak" and responsible behaviour thowards a child. This is pure elementary knowledge that you should be very aware of at an age of 55.

 

10 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

 

Who said you don't smack children these days? General society? because last time I looked many kids today are no good for anything but sitting in a room all day playing violent computer games and wondering why the rest of the world doesn't care about their feelings. Company I worked for virtually abandoned any idea of employing fresh out of schoolers as most were selfish, entitled and useless.

I said that you do not smack children these days! Why? If you read anything of what I wrote as a reply to the last paragraph, you would already know that. Regarding what the children do today??!! That is why most parents should smack themselfs instead. As I have been thought when growing up. It´s the parents that raise the children, to be good and responsible individuals. How dare you blame todays children and kind for sitting playing computer games or only clicking and staring at a mobile screen?!

It´s the parents that allows this in todays society. They are the responsible individuals. Out of your way of expressing yourself, though. I knew already that you would blame the kids and the children, just because you are the one that can´t confront your own weakness when it comes to responsibility and psychological care for children. You blame everything on the child and your girlfriend already in the first post. 

 

10 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

 

Any kid needs psychological coaching and discipline of course, and to me smacking is part of that albeit a last resort. I respect everyones opinion including your own and issues of disciplining children are devisive. I do not understand much of what you are saying but my intentions are good, certainly not evil. If that were the case I would not be on here seeking advice.

 

When you state that "Any kid needs psychological coaching and discipline of course", that´s about the only thing you got right. Unfortunately I do not beleive that is your stance in reality. In that case you would not try to state that smacking is a part of that. It´s never a last resort, and it will always make you look weaker in both the eyes of a child and the rest of the human society.

 

As of that you respect other peoples opinion is a clear lie. What I beleive out of what you are writing here, is that if a stood in front of you stating and explaining the same. You would simply rather resort to smacking me instead of a fruitful solution.If you found a room, maybe I would have to sit there alone and think it over as you believe.

As I said. Grow up and take responsibility in a lawful and responsible way, that is not against the UN child convetion and most laws in the world.

[Kenny202]

Ok. Thats your opinion. Please move on and let someone else have a say

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[Rally123]

The child is definitely suffering from 'Anxiety' and needs to see a psychiatrist, specifically a child one. There are no child psychiatrists at the government psycho hospital in Korat, So I'll bet their rarity all over Thailand. The child needs to be on 'antidepressants and therapy'. The sooner the better. And the OP should go along as well so that he can be taught on how to understand the reason why the child is like he is.

[BobBKK]

Amazes me retired folk get involved like this. Still it's good you care now open your wallet and pay, and again and again.

[Katia]

You knew she had a child, but did not want her own child to live with her.  When she finally took her child back from relatives to live with her, now you are not happy.  (You don't even appear to want your own child, for that matter, going by your statement about "I am in no way interested doing the wife and 2 kids thing at 55yo".)  Did you expect this child would be raised by relatives forever?  Did you really expect to be able to dictate whether your gf had her own child, flesh and blood, living with her??  The kid is not even three years old yet.  He's going to be with her for many years yet... if that doesn't work for you, then this might not be the relationship for you.  (I say this in all seriousness.  If kids are a dealbreaker to you, ask the "do you have or want children?" question as soon as you ask the "are you already married?" and "have you been in prison?" questions-- which, hopefully, is right away upon meeting someone you're possibly interested in.  As you've found out, there's no point in even getting attached to someone if you can't handle something about them or their life.)

 

You admit the child is usually well-behaved.  You admit that he has spent most of his life separated from his mother, possibly being passed around among family members from the sound of it, and has possibly been abused.  And then you're surprised that he might have some issues?  A lot of (most?) young kids go through the phase of not being able to be separated from parents (I mean, not being able to go to bathroom without the kid pounding on the door is a well-known joke), and also being attention-seeking, and he has a better reason than most.

[Get Real]

27 minutes ago, BobBKK said:

Amazes me retired folk get involved like this. Still it's good you care now open your wallet and pay, and again and again.

If you do not care about the wellfare of children growing up with the safety and kindness of people that really love them, what kind of a human are you then? I know that we have the ones that puts dogs higher than humans in this forum. According to me that´s a bit over the top. Maybe it´s not so amazing for you no more??

 

34 minutes ago, Rally123 said:

The child is definitely suffering from 'Anxiety' and needs to see a psychiatrist, specifically a child one. There are no child psychiatrists at the government psycho hospital in Korat, So I'll bet their rarity all over Thailand. The child needs to be on 'antidepressants and therapy'. The sooner the better. And the OP should go along as well so that he can be taught on how to understand the reason why the child is like he is.

The most likely scenario is that the child do not need a psychiatrist at all. If he have been negolected and abused before. The thing he now needs is love in a warm, caring and friendly home where he can learn to feel safe. Not a place where people are using the neanderthal methods of disciplin by abusing themselfs.

[bbz404]

In his post , the OP has disqualified himself as a Father, Boyfriend/Partner and emancipated adult. Poor kids, poor girlfriend. 

[Krataiboy]

. . . the girl I have now is an absolute gem. Thoughtful, caring, submissive. 

 

Allah be praised.

[nss70]

I have been in a similar situation to the op.

 

At the time the last thing that had crossed my mind was a serious relationship and a small child involved. (I had not been in a "love" relationship before)

 

Anyway, trying to keep the preamble to a minimum, we were back in my country, married with a now 3 year old daughter. She had also suffered abuse from both family and a supposed nanny. My suspicion was not just cruelty but sexually orientated as well.

 

Yes, she was extremely difficult, sneaky naughty and very clinging to her mum who also stayed in her room until peacefully asleep. Just to complicate things my wife also fell pregnant and now we had a new baby boy, this compounded the problem with jealousy being added to the mix.

 

Masses of love and attention are required, as far as punishment is concerned you need to find something that will deprive them of something they want but without being cruel. That little outing you planned but was now "off". They know cruelty well, have survived it and probably blocking it out of their mind, if you use any method even remotely similar you will be blocked out of their mind too and also feared.

 

Both children are now in their 20s and I can count on one hand the times I have found it necessary to smack them.

 

We started formal adoption proceedings and were very fortunate to have an extremely sympathetic social worker who was well versed with such children and qualified to help. Problems arose all the time and we had to deal with them in loving and positive guidance way as a team of three adults. I think she was about 9 or 10 before we had reached a point where could claim success as far as we could determine. One of the mile stones was the completion of her adoption which we celebrated like a birthday party. The extra security really seemed to help ( we had made her fully aware of all the circumstances and every step of the process).

It's mostly about little victories that should be credited to the child and oodles of love.

[Rally123]

1 hour ago, Get Real said:

The most likely scenario is that the child do not need a psychiatrist at all.

The only way to find that out is to see a psychiatrist. 'Anxiety' needs to be treated by a specialist. 

Edited June 3, 2018 by Rally123

[Get Real]

12 minutes ago, Rally123 said:

The only way to find that out is to see a psychiatrist. 'Anxiety' needs to be treated by a specialist. 

Yes, but of course! That has to do with the level of anxiety. At normal levles regarding an unsatifying and unsafe environment growning up in, there is a possibility for normally educated parents to deal with it. So, not in all cases, and neither you or me knows the level of it. Therefore not any reason to speculate in that matter.

My point was spot on, that you do not smack around a child that have theese problems. That is a deed from an evil stepfather, and he will only make things worse than it is today.
In my opinion people like that should not be allowed near a child.

[keithnchiangmai]

Perhaps a bit of study will help. Attachment Theory was put forth by John Bowlby. An easy primer is the book "Attached" about adult relationships. Bowlby's book "Separation" is another good one. The thing to realize is that the child equates separation with dying. A loving talk given with understanding about how the child actually feels (you will need to study and have some emphathy) will serve much better than a completely ineffectual swat on the bottom. 

[janejira]

Sounds like the child doesn't feel safe / secure without his mother present. Also sounds like he went quite a while without getting much attention from his mom (living with an Auntie) that he is desperate for her attention/affection now.

 

Maybe try spending more time with everyone all together instead of trying to push the kid aside?

 

[BobBKK]

3 hours ago, Get Real said:

If you do not care about the wellfare of children growing up with the safety and kindness of people that really love them, what kind of a human are you then? I know that we have the ones that puts dogs higher than humans in this forum. According to me that´s a bit over the top. Maybe it´s not so amazing for you no more??

 

The most likely scenario is that the child do not need a psychiatrist at all. If he have been negolected and abused before. The thing he now needs is love in a warm, caring and friendly home where he can learn to feel safe. Not a place where people are using the neanderthal methods of disciplin by abusing themselfs.

I'm pointing out the OP did not WANT kids and he will pay and then pay more.  You need to shill out more.

[lionsincity]

I would kick both of them out

[Get Real]

5 minutes ago, BobBKK said:

I'm pointing out the OP did not WANT kids and he will pay and then pay more.  You need to shill out more.

You said it amazes you that retired people get involved in this. Maybe it´s according to you okey to find a woman to live with but push away the child?

As I see it, he choose to live with a woman that has a child, then he must also be open to live with that part of her.

What´s amazing to you, seems like rather natural to me. 

[BobBKK]

5 minutes ago, Get Real said:

You said it amazes you that retired people get involved in this. Maybe it´s according to you okey to find a woman to live with but push away the child?

As I see it, he choose to live with a woman that has a child, then he must also be open to live with that part of her.

What´s amazing to you, seems like rather natural to me. 

You were rude I was not. Leaving that aside it DOES amaze me that people retire here and want to get involved with bringing up a Thai kid that's not there own ok? 

 

Now get your facts straight. He told us he did NOT want to be in a family of 2 kids right?  don't hijack the OP's thread by saying it's 'natural to you' stick on-topic thank you. He doesn't want the kid ok?  probably the kid senses that.

[Tongjaw]

4 hours ago, Rally123 said:

The child is definitely suffering from 'Anxiety' and needs to see a psychiatrist, specifically a child one. There are no child psychiatrists at the government psycho hospital in Korat, So I'll bet their rarity all over Thailand. The child needs to be on 'antidepressants and therapy'. The sooner the better. And the OP should go along as well so that he can be taught on how to understand the reason why the child is like he is.

Putting a 2 1/2 year old child on antidepressants is a ridicules statement and not the answer. The child has been living with relatives and the OP said most likely abused. The child needs loving care and with that love he can and will grow out of his phase and that’s what it is a phase.The OP doesn’t realise that his smacking and most probably yelling is also a form of child abuse. The poor child needs love and affection not more abuse. Please OP stop smacking and yelling at the child. If it’s getting too much just take a walk round the block to cool down. Think of the consequences before you raise your hands to a poor defensless child. 

[Kenny202]

Amazing. Ive been out all day so havent responded but amazing the wild assumptions that are made and inevitably the pack dogs turn on each other. Of course the child has issues and if I didnt care or understand this I wouldnt bother asking. Smacking the child around and all the other colourful extremes are just not the case. Its not out of temper or frustration. One smack is used as a last resort. There is no jealousy ranting or screaming. The child is with us 24 / 7 and receiving more attention than any child would get at the expense of my own child. Let me also say out of all the impractical do gooder BS including a psychiatrist and antidepressants (he speaks and understands very little Thai or English) there were hardly any replies of any real advice apart from wild assumptions and adding 2+2 and getting 15. The problem is that bad that it is impossible for the mother to be away from the child for more than a minute and she has asked me to disipline him. It is just impossible to live like that for her and for me and if unaddressed will end up in us parting ways...which ultimately end up in no ones best interest...particularly the childs. And my interest in controlling the child is not so I can get 30 mins to have sex. This problem will manifest itself in different ways in the future. Why so many thais have jealousy and separation issues when they grow up and get partners. Has the world gone mad or am I really the only person here thinks a strategical smack now and then is necesary?

 

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[Lacessit]

What distractions have you tried? TV, toys etc. Socialisation with other children in the same age bracket.

The child is far too young to understand boundaries or disciplinary action. The choice is either to wait it out, or go.

[Get Real]

1 hour ago, BobBKK said:

You were rude I was not. Leaving that aside it DOES amaze me that people retire here and want to get involved with bringing up a Thai kid that's not there own ok? 

 

Now get your facts straight. He told us he did NOT want to be in a family of 2 kids right?  don't hijack the OP's thread by saying it's 'natural to you' stick on-topic thank you. He doesn't want the kid ok?  probably the kid senses that.

Have one thing clear for you, I have not hijacked any thread. Don´t even try that game.
I quoted you, that says it´s amazing that people will bring up a child that is not their own. Does it amaze you same much that to people with children get married and bring up the two children together when that happens in your home country too? It still seems natural to me, and I quoted your post. Get it! If you believe your post was out of topic, then go delete it, instead of accusing people that quote what you wrote.

[theguyfromanotherforum]

9 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

girl I have now is an absolute gem. Thoughtful, caring, submissive. 

 

Probably a virgin too when you met her....

[Get Real]

16 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

Well Im the OP, I made the post and I say you hijacked it from the get go. Been all about u since your first reply. Foxtrot Oscar. Lets hear from others that may have some actual advice

Sent from my SM-J730GM using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app
 

Wrong, It has been nothing about me. It´s been all about you. In between everything I wrote, I actually thought you might see the actual advices that I gave.

One thing still stands, though! If you call defending children from any kind of abuse, like for example smacking, for hijacking a post. Yeah then you are right, but there ain´t gonna be any length I will not go for standing between people that call that sort of behaviour as a part of raising and disciplin and the children.

[saakura]

OP, reading your post and replies  i think it is you who needs to change, if it is at all possible at this age. I pity your wife who has to both satisfy your ego and give all the love to her very young child. This is Asia and children are more attached to and sleep in the same bed with mother. And the idiot who is suggesting giving anti-depressant pills to a 2 year old child needs his head examined.

[ChiangMaiLightning2143]

Idiot. Never get involved with Thai women

With kids there are Plenty who have never been knocked up. I myself had a vasectomy on my 30th birthday. The most liberating experience ever. I will not breed or be bred to anybody for any reason.

 

I don’t hate children, I just don’t want one of my own to pay for is that OK?

 

And yes they sleep with thekr kids I have refused sex with MILFs several times because I will not bang a lady with a small child sleeping in the same room!(Japanese). That would be wrong.

 

 

By the way as a cocksman who has bedded

hundreds I Can confirm pregnancy destroys women’s bodies 90 percent of the time.

 

 

 

 

[Get Real]

1 hour ago, Kenny202 said:

Has the world gone mad or am I really the only person here thinks a strategical smack now and then is necesary?

Does that question really need any answer?

 

2 hours ago, lionsincity said:

I would kick both of them out

A really grown up solution! Now you solved the problem directly. Do you use a bat when you want to stay with or marry a woman too?

Edited June 3, 2018 by Get Real

[BritManToo]

39 minutes ago, theguyfromanotherforum said:

Probably a virgin too when you met her....

Born again?

Edited June 3, 2018 by BritManToo