Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

I'm worried about events in the Eastern Mediterranean. 

If Russia took Turkey from the rear, do you think Greece would help?

[ballpoint]

The girlfriend just asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said, "Looking for cheap flights."

She got very excited and said, "I love you," then dragged me upstairs for the best sex I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before!

[ballpoint]

[ravip]

[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

Who was on concrete watch?

[ravip]

[fangless]

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference...

At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

 

BTW the saw, screws and screwdrivers are extra!

[fangless]

Male chauvinism strikes back!

[ballpoint]

2 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

Who was on concrete watch?

I tried to stop it, but the damn thing just moved too fast!

 

[ravip]

A quote by Cicero of the Roman Empire in 43 BC, but still relevant today

 

1. The poor, work and work.
2. The rich, exploit the poor.
3. The soldier, protects both.
4. The taxpayer, pays for all three.
5. The wanderer, rest for all four.
6. The drunk, drinks for all five.
7. The banker, robs all six.
8. The lawyer, misleads all seven.
9. The doctor, kills all eight.
10. The undertaker, buries all nine.
11. The politician, lives happily on account of all ten.

[fangless]

A senator was late to the Senate, when Cicero was giving a speech. He got there fifteen minutes after the start.
He slipped into his usual seat and whispered to the senator next to him: "What Cicero is talking about?"

His neighbour said: "I don't know, he hasn't got to the verb yet!"

[Andrew Dwyer]

6 hours ago, fangless said:

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference...

At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

That’s a ruddy cracker !! ( Frank Carson )

 

I adjusted it slightly and posted it in a FB group i’m in ............ went down a treat !

[chickenslegs]

15 hours ago, ballpoint said:

The girlfriend just asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said, "Looking for cheap flights."

She got very excited and said, "I love you," then dragged me upstairs for the best sex I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before!

That could work with First Class flights too.

[chickenslegs]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

 

Edited October 14, 2020 by WorriedNoodle

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[sanuk711]

[tifino]

how was it for you?

 

 

 

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

I used to go out with a woman called Amanda Lin.

Nice girl, but a bit highly strung.

[ballpoint]

[ravip]

ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀ ᴇsᴛɪᴍᴀᴛᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ɪᴍᴘᴏʀᴛᴀɴᴄᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ʙʀᴀ

ǫ: sᴛʀɪᴘᴇᴅ ʙʀᴀ?      
???? ᴢᴇ ʙʀᴀ

ǫ: ᴘᴏɪsᴏɴᴏᴜs ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ᴄᴏ ʙʀᴀ

ǫ: ᴍᴀᴛʜᴇᴍᴀᴛɪᴄᴀʟ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ᴀʟɢᴇ ʙʀᴀ

ǫ: sᴜɴsɪɢɴ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ʟɪ ʙʀᴀ

ǫ: ᴍᴀɢɪᴄᴀʟ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ᴀᴀ ʙʀᴀ ᴋᴀ ᴅᴀ ʙʀᴀ

ǫ: ʀᴇʟɪɢɪᴏᴜs ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ʙʀᴀ ʜᴍɪɴ!

ǫ: ᴍᴇᴛᴀʟʟɪᴄ ʙʀᴀ?
???? ʙʀᴀ ss

ǫ: ᴀɴᴊᴇʟɪɴᴀ ᴊᴏʟɪᴇ's ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ʙʀᴀ ᴅ ᴘɪᴛᴛ

ǫ: ʙᴏᴛᴀɴʏ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ʙʀᴀ ɴᴄʜ

ǫ: ᴍᴀʀᴋᴇᴛɪɴɢ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ʙʀᴀ ɴᴅ!

ǫ: ᴘᴜɴᴄᴛᴜᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ʙʀᴀ ᴄᴋᴇᴛ.

ǫ: sᴄᴀʀʏ ʙʀᴀ?
???? 
ɢʜᴀ ʙʀᴀ ᴀʜᴀᴛ.

ǫ: ʀᴏᴏᴍ ғᴜʟʟ ᴏғ  ʙʀᴀ's? 
???? ʟɪ ʙʀᴀ ʀʏ.

ǫ: ᴀʟᴄʜᴏʜʟɪᴄ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ʙʀᴀ ɴᴅʏ.

ǫ: sᴜʀɴᴀᴍᴇ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ᴄʜʜᴀ ʙʀᴀ

 ǫ: ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛʀʏ ʙʀᴀ? 
???? ʙʀᴀ ᴢɪʟ

 ǫ: ʙʀᴀ ᴡʜɪᴄʜ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴍᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀɴ ᴘʀᴇsɪᴅᴇɴᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ɪɴsᴘɪʀᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡʜᴏʟᴇ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ? 
ᴀ ʙʀᴀ ʜᴀᴍ ʟɪɴᴄᴏʟɴ!

ᴀɴᴅ ᴜ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴏᴍᴇɴ ᴜsᴇ ᴀ ʙʀᴀ !!!
ʜᴏᴡ ʙʀᴀ ɪɴʟᴇss".

???? ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ʙʀᴀ ᴅᴀʏ????