3 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

Eh?

cAnAdA, 6 letters, 3 are A

3 minutes ago, tomazbodner said:

cAnAdA, 6 letters, 3 are A

Oh dear, oh dear, 

 

What are Canadians renowned for saying?

 

A.

B.

C.

 

As they say I can explain it for you but I can't understand it for you.

There are 361 days until Christmas, and people already have their Christmas lights up...

The past week has reminded me that I hate Christmas shopping for the wife. 

I wasted two whole hours in a queue to discover the 20 Baht shop don’t do gift vouchers..

I heard a rumour that I was getting an automatic watch for Christmas.
But it was just a wind up.

My boss just told me there is no "I" in "Team".
I responded that there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

 

I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative.

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's fine" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything! What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar!," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."

The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by security.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" says the actor.

"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says security. "You're late! Get up to wardrobe right now!"

The actor runs to Wardrobe.

"Who the heck are you?" asks wardrobe.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.

"You're Late! Hurry up and put this on!" says the dresser. "You'd better get to makeup fast!"

So, the actor runs up to makeup.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.

"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"

So he dashes down to the stage.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.

"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"

So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full.

Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the **** was THAT?!"

We call my grandad Spider-Man.

It's not because he has special powers, it's because he can't get out the bath.

What goes "Oh, Oh, Oh"?
Santa walking backwards!

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put away childish things and took up adult things,
Like beer, which promptly made me behave like a child again.

I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.
It's rubbish.
Everything is either underground or overground.

Just a reminder to anyone who got a book from me for Xmas,
they are due back at the library on 13th January.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I heard a rumour that I was getting an automatic watch for Christmas.
But it was just a wind up.

Did you really expect an automatic reply from me?

 

PS;  Oh damm it!  See what you made me do automatically!  I will just have to keep winding you up as usual!

 

PPS;  Merry Christmas-whatever time it is!

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