Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn’t last long for fat people.

Krispy Kreme doughnuts turns 80 this week.

Something their customers never have to worry about.

47 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in front of them nurse's station.
He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder. Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out and rolled him into the bowels of the ER.
Half an hour later, the man walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself. Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the doctors what was ailing the man.
The doctor shrugged and said "nothing serious....just minstrel cramps."

Could that be classified as a "period drama" on TV!

“I just took part in the sun tanning Olympics but as I only came 3rd I just got Bronze."

"I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don’t know why.”

” Drink,” said the Irish preacher, ”is the greatest curse of the country. It makes yer quarrel with yer neighbours. It makes yer spend all yer rent money. It makes yer shoot at yer missuses lover — and it makes yer miss him.” 
 

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So now I'm cobming the web asking for a solution!
 

"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. 
Luckily I was the one facing the telly. “
 

“I know i'm working class as my TV is bigger than my book case."

Paddy was in America.

He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. 
The cop stopped the flow of traffic, and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. 
After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,

 

“Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?” 

50 minutes ago, ravip said:

But why is the pringles holder so high up?

It should be down near the floor/treadmill level so I can reach them between naps!

 

PS;  On secons thought;  I beleive there should be two holders; One for the Food and another for the Liquids of any non/alchol(ic) level!

1 hour ago, Crossy said:

Hint;  The headlights are on the outside of a "rental car", not "in a rental car"

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Crossy said:

I don't think I can cap that comment!