A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his family for generations.  He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking resemblance to himself.

 

  He could not believe that such a similarity could exist with no genetic link, so guessing that his father had sown some wild oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk, "Was your mother ever a maid here?".  

The guest replied, "No, my father used to be the gardener."

Comrades here is our fixture list :-

 

Russia v China
China v Russia
Russia v China
China v Russia
Russia v China
China v Russia
Russia v China
China v Russia
Russia v China
China v Russia

I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man this morning.
He was wearing a cat flap.

My mate from Liverpool phoned me and said his wife was making him sleep on the sofa tonight...
I feel sorry for the guy. It must be cold in the front garden.

I hate when people try to act all intellectual by talking about Mozart. 

I'll bet they've never even seen a single one of his paintings.

 

 

 

My wife went missing for three days, so when I came home and found her in the kitchen I asked where the hell she had been.

She said 4 burly muscular men had kidnapped me and forced themselves on her for five days.

I said "but you were only gone for 3 days".

"Yes", she said.  "I've just popped home for something to eat".

I went to Cash Converters today trying to raise much needed cash as I'm skint.
They gave me £3200 and they never even took the gun....

I've bought a book about Feng Shui, but I can't decide where to put it.

Apparently, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I meant to know when it's raining in Sweden?

Russian joke:
Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out. Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps:
‘Why you do that?’
‘I’m just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren’t on the front page.’
‘The one I’m looking for will be

Me and my kids watched on as some of the monkeys were masturbating, others were groping each other, and there was lots of fighting and commotion.

My daughter said "daddy, I thought you were taking us to the zoo"
I said "yea I know, but I needed a pint, and Wetherspoons is the next best thing"