After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness.

It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

I'm selling my pet python on eBay. Some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?"

"It's massive", I said.

"How many feet?" he asked.

I said "none, it's a snake".

Burglars broke into my bathroom last night. Luckily they only took my broken scales.

They won't get a weigh with it.

I went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock but I had to leave early.

People kept winding me up.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small.

We're a very tight-knit community.

There’s a siege at the zoo.

They’ve taken 3 ostriches.

My budgie escaped from its cage and somehow mated with my dog.

I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

There’s a siege at the zoo.

They’ve taken 3 ostriches.

 

Update:-

The Irish SAS have arrived, killed the gorillas and released the ostriches.