15 minutes ago, Crossy said:

You must be talking about me.

 

I can have something lying around for years, need not be cables,  you can bet the day after I have a clear out I will need it. 

 

????

1 minute ago, Beachcomber said:

You must be talking about me.

 

I can have something lying around for years, need not be cables,  you can bet the day after I have a clear out I will need it. 

Absolutely totally me too!

I have just one large black vinyl disc with a hole in the middle.

 

Is this a record?

1 hour ago, Thailand said:

I have just one large black vinyl disc with a hole in the middle.

 

Is this a record?

Licorice Pizza?

 

 

Matthew saw Samuel his ex business partner begging on the street and invited him to get into his limousine. What happened to your  share of $15 million each of us received? Matthew asked? Samuel answered "Well, I bought a yacht for $5 mil and just as we were coming out of a fiord in Norway, hit an iceberg and it sank.  
Then I bought a jet and taking off from Manila the tires burst and it crashed. Decided to retire in Monaco with remaining $5 mil and met this gorgeous woman and got married. After 2 years and a divorce, she took off with my remaining $5 mil. And so, here I am! My god, Samuel. So what did you learn out of all this? Matthew asked? Samuel replied "If anything floats, flies or <deleted>, rent it! Don't buy it. 

29 minutes ago, ravip said:

If anything floats, flies or <deleted>, rent it! Don't buy it. 

words to live by.

4 hours ago, Thailand said:

I have just one large black vinyl disc with a hole in the middle.

 

Is this a record?

This is a 'Police Record'

A man is driving along a highway & sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over & gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road & pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car & pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, & sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them & hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around & waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns & waves, hops another ten feet, turns & waves, & repeats this again & again & again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman & demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says... (Are you ready for this?)


Are you sure?)



(This is bad!)


(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)


(You know you could just click off
& not read the punch line....)


(You can still delete it)


(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, & adds permanent wave."

Just bought a chest freezer for the wife, but could only afford a 3 foot one.

Looks like I'll have to fold her in half.

I went around to my Grandads to take the dog out for a walk.
As I was about to go out he shouted "Don`t forget poo bags"
"Do I have to" I shouted back.
"Yes" shouted Grandad.
"Alright" I said -- "Come on Nana"

Vladimir Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while he gets a 1 day pass for good behaviour.

He walks into a Moscow bar orders a coke and asks the bartender

Is Crimea ours?
Yes it is.

And the Donbas?
Yes.

And Kyiv?
That too.

Thanks. How much will that be?
5 Euros.

The last time I played darts in the pub, first arrow treble 20, second arrow single 20 and final dart straight through Sister Margaret's eye.

I got banned for shouting "One Nun Dead and Eighty!".

It has been said that a thousand monkeys banging on a thousand typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now, thanks to social media, we know this is not true.

The first Transgender whale has been found.

It's been called Maybe Dick.

I know it's a long shot -- but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

Recent Studies Show That Over-Exaggerations Have Gone Up By Ten Billion Percent!

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter" says The Archbishop of Cadbury.