Two men are drinking at a bar all night.

Finally, one man says to the other, "I hate to break up the fun, but I've got to go home and take off my wife's underwear."
The other man replies, "What makes you think you'll be so lucky?"
The first man replies while walking out the door,

"because they've been riding up my butt all night and I've had enough."
 

Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed.
"Are you okay?" the wife asks.
"I guess," he replies.
"I'm asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep."
The man replies,

"Who said I was asleep?"
 

On 9/22/2019 at 5:18 PM, Andrew Dwyer said:

I think this guy is spot on !!

My English pal opened a bookies in Glasgow. He got a visit from the Gorballs mafia.  They made him an offer he couldn't understand!

"The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter." -

"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime."-

.
A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located. 
"I'm not sure," the student answers, "we switched cable companies last month."

 

"My toughest fight was with my first wife."-MUHAMMAD ALI

 

What's the difference between a teenager and E.T.? 
E.T. actually phones home.

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One. He holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.

How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because never mind us, we'll just sit here in the dark, don't go out of your way . . . "
 

A stranger at the park is watching a young boy play in front of his young mother. After a few minutes of the boy clucking incessantly, the man asks, "Why does your son repeatedly say 'cluck, cluck, cluck'?"
The young mother replies, "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
"Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" the stranger asks.

"Well," says the mom, "because we really need the eggs."
 

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. 
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, 
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
 

18 hours ago, sunnyboy2018 said:

My English pal opened a bookies in Glasgow. He got a visit from the Gorballs mafia.  They made him an offer he couldn't understand!

What were the odds on that happening Jimmy?

On 10/2/2019 at 10:43 AM, bluesofa said:

Very similar to Spitting Image in the 1980s when Margaret Thatcher was PM.

Scene was a restaurant with Thatcher ordering the steak on the menu.

Waiter: What about the vegetables?

Thatcher, pointing to the rest of her cabinet: Oh, they'll have the same.

 

This one you mean?    

 

59 minutes ago, VBF said:

This one you mean?    

 

That's the one!I

Well done - I didn't even know it was on youtube, I was quoting from memory.

Just now, bluesofa said:

That's the one!I

Well done - I didn't even know it was on youtube, I was quoting from memory.

????  I had to search for it........it's one I often quote though ????

I must have too much time on my hands 

 

hope this works? But - TAP the Left Cheek

For FaceBookers - TAP the Left Cheek

 

Some guy just came to the door saying he was collecting for the local childrens home

So I gave him my kids.

 

I used to earn a living doing backing vocals

I can still remember the words
"This vehicle is reversing"

 

I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.

I wonder what she's up to now?..

Went to the zoo with my TGF the other day.

She said, "Look, darling, twin pandas!"

I said, "That bear's repeating."