On 10/7/2019 at 9:07 AM, WorriedNoodle said:

 

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it. The man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk".

Obesity statistics.

 

1 out of 3 Americans weighs the same as the other two combined.

Ted's grandmother pulls him aside at his Bar Mitzvah party and hands the boy a five-dollar bill. "Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters."
The boy pockets the bill and responds,

"If you want me to stay quiet, it's going to cost you a lot more."

 

A small-business owner is distraught when two new large electronic  stores, carrying the exact same products as his store, open on either side of his business.

To make matters worse, the store on his left puts a sign on its building that reads Best Electronics Store Deals. The competitor on his right hangs an even larger sign that reads Lowest Electronics Store Prices Around. The small-business owner panics until he gets a brilliant idea. He puts a sign, larger than both, above the door of his store that reads; 

 

Electronics Store-Main Entrance.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?"
The waiter says, "A penny."
The man exclaims, "A penny? How much for a steak?"
The waiter says, "A nickel." The man is astonished.
"Are you serious? Where's the man who owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"
The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."
Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."
 

8 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

That seems to have struck the right note!

When you date a vegetarian ...

On 8/26/2019 at 9:21 AM, scottiejohn said:

Ah!  Something for the suicide bombers to die for.

I knew it would attract some people! 

1 hour ago, Isaanbiker said:

I knew it would attract some people! 

Remind me, what did Hamlet say?

 

(The above will only make sense to my UK generation and is therefore too difficult to explain to lesser mortals!)

21 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Remind me, what did Hamlet say?

 

(The above will only make sense to my UK generation and is therefore too difficult to explain to lesser mortals!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19vItpLiYgA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My wife accused me of having OCD..

I soon put her in her place.

 

I said to the doctor "Can you give me something for my liver?" 

So he gave me a pound of onions.

 

My wife and I were happy for 23 years..

Then we met.

 

 

 

 

Wally was tired of waiting to be found !!

Nobody stole them, you left them on the top of the board !!