18 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Looking forward to “ seeing “ in the new year !!

I'll drink to that!

A husband is late coming home one night and isn't answering his cell phone. 
His wife calls her Jewish mother, incredibly upset. 
"I'm afraid he's having an affair," she tells her mother.
"Why do you always think the worst?" her mother asks. 
"Maybe he just got in a car crash or something."
 

A man goes away on business.

He e-mails his wife from the road and says he'll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar.

 

He explains the whole situation to the bartender.  "Well, why don't you call her and talk to her? Maybe there is an explanation for all of this."

 

The man picks up his cell phone and calls his house. His wife answers and before she can say a word he yells, "Why did I come home to find you in bed with another man?" The wife calmly responds,

 

"Because I just got around to checking my bloody  e-mails."

A man hates his wife's parrot with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the parrot there. The parrot is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the parrot forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the parrot keeps on coming home before him.

At last he decides to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right and so on until he reaches what he thinks is a perfect spot and drops the parrot there. 

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asks her, "Jan, is the parrot there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answers the wife.
Frustrated, the man says,

 

"Put that bloody parrot on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions."
 

My cat after learning about the mandatory health insurance being enforced for OA visas [emoji22]

The Bossy Cat

If you talk about yourself, he'll think you're boring; if you talk about others, he'll think you're a gossip; if you talk about him, he'll think you're a brilliant conversationalist.

 

A married couple looks over the side of a wishing well. 
The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. 
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. 
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."
 

 

1 hour ago, Crossy said:

 

Had to think about it.

You should be done for attempted murder.

For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.

Drum roll please.

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Had to think about it.

 

It took me a lot longer than I will admit to ????

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

 

Why did the little boy cross the road?

To bring his pet chicken back.

 

Why did the priest cross the road?

He was attached to the little boy.

 

Why did the Muslim terrorist cross the road?

He was forced over by the blast.

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Had to think about it.

You should be done for attempted murder.

I was just (c)raven after that killer solution.

I'll go and clip my wings!

Should probably change his name me thinks [emoji848].

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

"Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?" the HR person asks in the interview.
"Honest?" the lawyer responds. "Let me tell you how honest I am.

My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, which I lost, I still paid him back in full."
"That's very impressive," the HR person admits. "By the way what was the case?"
The attorney fidgets in his seat and says,

 

"He sued me for the money he lent me."