I'm a multitasker.

I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Some people are like clouds.

Once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

I'm not saying I'm old, but...

I went to an antique show and people started bidding on me.

I can't go near the curb on bin day.

I used to do nothing for an hour or so, but now it takes all day.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, maybe even cursed or haunted.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

In the light of the Einstein riddle posted previously, see who can pass this one...

I had my patience tested the other day.

I’m negative.

Justice.

Jamaican for 

 I only want this one thing.

When I was 17 my parents died and left me an orphan.

I was devastated as I really wanted the house and the car.

Wouldn't be interesting if the uk chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng had the middle name Kenneth.

A scouser went for a job on a building site the foreman said to him " What would you use to pant that window 60ft Up " The scouser said a 60ft brush mate.

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her weekend job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but, chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her figure. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break today when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint, in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult, if not impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
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Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway driver golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was lying nearby.
His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Hope Chickenlegs understands this one!????

5 hours ago, BarraMarra said:

" What would you use to pant that window 60ft Up " The scouser said

A big deep breath!

 

 

On 9/25/2022 at 8:19 PM, ravip said:

Einstein's Riddle Zebra Puzzle
The legend says that this problem was created by Albert Einstein in the last century. Einstein said that only 2% of the world could solve it.

 

There are five houses of different colors next to each other. In each house lives a man. Each man has a unique nationality, an exclusive favorite drink, a distinct favorite brand of cigarettes and keeps specific pets. Use all the clues below to fill the grid and answer the question: "Who owns the fish?"

 

Give it a try, not too hard >>> https://www.brainzilla.com/logic/zebra/einsteins-riddle/

 

 

Yeah, I cracked it.

(I feel strangely pleased with myself)