I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician.

And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.

My brother and I are really competitive when it comes to buying gifts for our mother's sister.

This year, my brother bought her a stairlift…

He's really upped the Auntie this time!

My wife told me that sex is better on vacation.

Not the best post card I've ever received.

I was driving through the village today when reading a sign which said "Max Speed, 40".

I thought, "Happy birthday, Max. Have a great day."

Hitler's archives - recently discovered correspondence ...

 

Dear Herr Hitler,
Sorry for taking a while to get back to you. We think your paintings are extremely promising. Do hope you haven’t embarked on another career.

Yours sincerely,

Residenz galerie Salzburg

TRAVEL BROCHURE JARGON (ISIHAC)

Palm fringed-beach
Surrounded by beggars

Compact swimming pool
Bidet

Staggering views
The local wine’s dodgy

We would strongly recommend hiring a car
You are 103 miles from the nearest lavatory

Plenty of nightlife
Watch out for the cockroaches

Stone’s throw from the beach
Mick Jagger once vomited from the top balcony

 

THE UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIORY (M to R) (ISIHAC)

Alternative definitions for some familiar English words:

 

Macaroon
To leave a Scotsman on a desert island

Magenta
Here comes the Queen

Mishmash
What Sean Connery will do if he doesn’t get to church on Sunday

Module
Christmas with The Who

Nose dive
Bad plastic surgery clinic

Ovaltine
A fat adolescent

Pantomime
Underwear for the hard of hearing

Passport
Fathers’ race

Pastiche
What Sean Connery eats in Cornwall

Phlegmatic
Battery-powered handkerchief

Pomegranate
Australian for a Englishman made of stone

Pretext
Letters and phone calls

Psychedelia
Mental cook

Quick
Noise made by a dyslexic duck

Receipt
To sit down again

Realist
A catalogue of bottoms

Reindeer
A Michael Winner weather prediction

THE UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIORY (S to Z) (ISIHAC)

Alternative definitions for some familiar English words:

Scruple
Cross between a screw top and a ring pull

Tabby
A big church in Yorkshire

Template
The secretary hasn’t turned up

Tenure
How they describe a decade in the West Country

Testicle
A boat maker’s first attempt at a coracle

Toll
Where you try to put the ball in on a Yorkshire golf course

Transport
Cross-dressing athletes

Truculent
That lorry you used to rent out

Unfettered
Without Greek cheese

Urinate
You’re a size eight

Vanish
Rather like a van

Walnut
An obsessive bricklayer

Warehouse
A person who turns into a house at the Full Moon

Wince
A setting on Jonathan Ross’s washing machine

X-ray
Former fish

Yodelling
Trainee Jedi knight

Zucchini
Animal park enthusiast

 

 

 

8 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

THE UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIORY (S to Z) (ISIHAC)

Alternative definitions for some familiar English words:

Scruple
Cross between a screw top and a ring pull

Tabby
A big church in Yorkshire

Template
The secretary hasn’t turned up

Tenure
How they describe a decade in the West Country

Testicle
A boat maker’s first attempt at a coracle

Toll
Where you try to put the ball in on a Yorkshire golf course

Transport
Cross-dressing athletes

Truculent
That lorry you used to rent out

Unfettered
Without Greek cheese

Urinate
You’re a size eight

Vanish
Rather like a van

Walnut
An obsessive bricklayer

Warehouse
A person who turns into a house at the Full Moon

Wince
A setting on Jonathan Ross’s washing machine

X-ray
Former fish

Yodelling
Trainee Jedi knight

Zucchini
Animal park enthusiast

 

 

 

Talking about 'Testicle'. 

While commissioning a new installation had large PA system and a rather young naive switchboard operator.  

Every now and then one of the guys would ring up and page someone. Over the PA system you would hear: "Tess Ticle telephone please." 

Or 'Ivan Acher telephone please. Can't remember the rest.

We thought it funny at the time.