4 hours ago, roo860 said:

It's the 8th dwarf. Jeehaddy.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop asked "Analogue?"

I said "No, just a watch."

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.'

“Oh no, not now.  Let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.  I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged.
'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita.

'Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.' 

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.'

Merry Christmas.

And take your mind out of the gutter.

A blonde was trying to sell her old car without much success, because it had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

Friendship between women:
Woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The chap calls her 10 best friends, and none of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men:
Bloke didn't come home one night. Next morning he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. She calls his 10 best friends. Eight of them confirm that he slept over, and the other two maintained that he was still there.

 

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop.  They go over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the local mountain.

Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'fek dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!'

Moment's later; Seamus arrives on the mountain top.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fek dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his bloody hengliding!'

The family is at the dining table. The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate….

After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people.”

Silence around the table.

“I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry.

A long silence again.

And then…

 

The father screams at his wife, “It’s your fault! Always dressed and made up like a whore! Do you think you are setting a good example for your daughter. Wallowing the whole day on the sofa, exposing your boobs… it’s disgusting! That’s how problems arrive.”

 

The wife, in turn,  yells at her husband, “What about you ? Are YOU setting a good example ? Wasting your salary on sluts who sometimes even accompany you to your doorstep! Are YOU setting a good example for your 10-year-old daughter?”

 

The father continues, “And her elder sister, this good-for-nothing, with her hairy junkie of a boyfriend, who is always groping her in all the corners of the house. Do you believe she is setting a good example for her younger sister?”

And the recriminations go on, and on, and on….

 

The grandmother touches the shoulder of the little granddaughter to console her, and asks her, “Well, my little girl, how did it happen?”

And the little girl replies while stifling her sobs, “It’s the priest.”

The grandmother asks, "What do you mean, the priest ?”

“The priest has chosen another girl to be Virgin Mary in the Christmas play.
I’m no longer playing the role of Virgin Mary.”