Indian swimming pool Attendant his name " diduhandyurbandin "

Indian DIY expert " Ahmed mi shed.

Polish Football player failed the fitness test his name " Scratchyitchycoff "

.

I took my grandchildren to the zoo last week.

I'm going back again next week to see how they are settling in.

My aviary roof leaks when it rains.
It's getting on my tits.

I was just remembering when two men came into my shop and paid with fake £50 notes, I reported this to the police and they asked me if I could describe them.

I said " well, they are very similar to real £50 notes"

My pet bird has premonitions and predicts disasters.

It’s an omen pigeon.

I can't get over how old my new neighbour is. 

He said he's a retired English teacher, and used to teach Shakespeare.

My friend is involved in a major custody battle.

His wife doesn't want him and his mother wont take him back.

Just returned from my annual check up at Doctor’s.

For some reason she complimented me on my footwear - said I have healthy shoes!

A woman was taking a shower when she heard a knock on the door. She called out, “who is it? I can’t come to the door right now, I just stepped out of the shower” The man at the door answered “Don’t worry lady, I’m a blind salesman”…so the woman says “ok you can come in”. He does and asks, “where would you like the blinds?’

This sign is at the Banfield Pet Hospital inside PetSmart:

A man decided to start his own small private zoo and wanted a couple more animals to complete it, so he wrote to the local zoo and asked, "I'm starting a small private zoo and I need a couple of mongooses".

 

He looked at what he'd written and thought it didn't look right, so he rewrote it thus, "I'm starting a small private zoo, can you please send me a couple of mongeese".

 

That still didn't look right so he decided to go down this route, "I'm starting a small private zoo, can you please send me a mongoose".

 

PS. Can you please send me another one.

4 hours ago, Zyxel said:

Safe and effective!

 

My Thai step-son came home from school early yesterday.

 

"You're home early lad?"

 

"Got caught sha@@ing a girl behind the toilets. The school director told me to leave and said not to come back; ever."

 

"That's twice this month lad?"

 

"Yup twice, and three times last year."

 

"You carry on like this and you'll not be able to teach anywhere!"

 

"Yup, but this time it was just plain bad luck."

 

"How come?"

 

"The caretaker walked round while we were at it. I offered him 200 baht to go away and keep quiet. But the girl protested, and said that was more than she was getting,"