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1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

The M1 walked into a bar. He goes to the barman and says "Give me a pint". He gets his drink and starts angrily drinking.

 

In walks the A9 & tries to order a pint. The M1 shouts "OY, sling your hook, who do you think you are? I'm the M1, the biggest hardest road in the country, 6 lanes, 2 hard shoulders, I'm not drinking with a sh1tty A road like you. What do you have 4 lanes? Pathetic, F' off".

 

The A9 leaves the bar sheepishly.

 

Next, in walks the B768, who walks up to the bar and tries to order a drink. The M1 kicks off again.. "Who the hell are you?! Two lanes? No hard shoulder? I'm not drinking with you, F' off!"

 

The B768 walks out sheepishly as the barman watches on worried.

 

Next, in walks an unnamed road, single lane, dirt track. Hardly even a road at all.

 

He walks to the bar, orders a drink, sits quietly and drinks up undisturbed.

 

He eventually leaves. The barman says to the M1 "I thought you were the biggest hardest road in the country? What about that little weedy road? Why didn't you say anything to him?"

 

The M1 says "Who him?! No chance. He's a bl@@dy cycle path"
 

 

One night a man is driving down and old country road.
He comes across what looks like a Catholic mission in the middle of nowhere. On an old hand-written sign he sees "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution".

He's been on a bit of a dry spell so he thinks, "What the hell, I gotta see this!"

He pulls over and knocks on the door. A young, beautiful sister in her 20's comes to the door and asks what he needs. He tells her he saw the sign and was interested.

The sister blushes, and says to come in. The guy is thinking this is gonna be great. He asks her how much and she just says, go through this door and follow the signs.

So he goes through the door and sees a sign that says "Deposit $20.00" next to a hole in the wall. He does so, and another door unlocks. He proceeds through it to see another sign that says the same.

After 3 more of these rooms he's getting impatient when he walks through the final door, he finds himself outside with a sign near the parking area that reads, " Congratulations, you've just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"

Putin is being driven down the street in his limo!
He sees a family on the side of the road eating grass.

He tells his driver to pull over and he gets out of the limo and approaches the husband.

"What are you doing? Why is your family eating grass?" he asks.

"Oh, Mr President," the man says

"Since the war in Ukraine began I've been thrown out of work and this is all we can afford now."

"Well, that won't do." says Putin, "You can come my dacha and eat all you want!" "From my family I thank you" says the man in tears.

"Yes, you'll love it," says Putin.

 

"The grass is up to my knees there since I sent my gardeners to the front."

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man.

“Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.

Dolphins, the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, calls his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh, a wet suit wimp? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp!

I’ll be there in 10 minutes, says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly ten minutes later a military jeep pulls up and a large guy in gym kit hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says:

 

“For the LAST TIME dad…. I train SEALS…. NAVY SEALS…. NOT dolphins.”
 

The Biker and the Accountant
A large muscly rough looking biker riding the biggest baddest motorcycle you've ever seen chases a small nerdy accountant on a Moped across a lonely highway. He easily catches him and runs him off the road. In desperation, stumbling and crawling to get away, the accountant grabs a discarded glass bottle and wildly chucks it at the biker, missing badly.

 

But in a stroke of luck, the bottle breaks on a rock and a Genie appears. The Genie yells, "Stop! If you spare this man's life I'll give you each 2 wishes."

The biker agrees and says,

"I wish that any woman I want will find my irresistible and want constant sex with me."

"It's done!" Proclaimed the Genie and he turned to the accountant. The small man says,

"I wish for  bank account that always has a million pounds in it no matter how much I spend."

The Genie tells the accountant that it is done and hands him a new passbook showing a £1,000,000.

The biker say, "I wish that all men would run away scared from me when they see me, leaving their women behind"

"It's done" proclaimed the Genie as he turned back to the accountant.

The small man, climbed up on his old moped, fired up the engine, took the control, revved it (sic) twice then pointed straight at the biker and yelled,

 

"I wish that biker to be turned into a gay homosexual prostitute!"

I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a vet so I drive like an animal…
It was then that I realized how many proctologists there are on the road!

Farmer Murphy and the English Toff!
Farmer Murphy is working on his fence when an English tourist startled him by honking his car’s horn.

"I say," asked the Toff "does this road go to the Castle?"

"I do believe it does. Just keep on as you were." Farmer Murphy goes back to his business. About 10 minutes later, the Toff comes back up the road.

“I say, my good man, there's a stream crossing this road. Is it safe to cross it in my car?"

Farmer Murphy says, "Right, I should think you'll be fine." And the Brit drives off again. Farmer Murphy goes back to his business, he's working away and slowly becomes aware of a sloshing, dripping, stomping sound getting louder.

He looks up. It's the Toff. He does not look happy! "I say!" the red faced Toff rants, "You told me it was safe to cross that stream."

“I did that. Sir I did indeed say that sir"

"Well, I nearly drowned!

That stream is deep enough to completely cover my car!"

Farmer Murphy has himself a smile and replies,

 

"That's odd Sir!"

"The water only comes halfway up on the ducks when they cross the stream!"

Farmer Murphy is the his local pub when an American guy starts up a conversation about farming. ‘What kind of farming do you do?” Asks the American

“Mixed farming” says Murphy. “A bit of barley and some dairy”

“How big is your farm” asks the American

“About 60 acres” says Murphy.

“Back home in Texas” says the American. “My spread is so large, I can get in my car and it takes me half a day to drive around it.”

“Ah”, replied Murphy “I used to have a car like that, once”

My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation.

When I commented that was a nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, "Well, actually, what she said was I was the 'last resort.'"

5 minutes ago, Crossy said:

"Well, actually, what she said was I was the 'last resort.'"

Or was that his last "retort"!

35 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

“Back home in Texas” says the American. “My spread is so large, I can get in my car and it takes me half a day to drive around it.”

“Ah”, replied Murphy “I used to have a car like that, once”

I think it was a Ford, probably a mustang in his case!

I think I was married to her once

 

On 6/19/2023 at 1:14 PM, roo860 said:

The brilliant Dave Allen ????

On 6/19/2023 at 12:43 PM, ballpoint said:

Et tu Beetroot?

My girlfriend has left me because she says I'm too old fashioned.

I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel, the cad!

I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch.
Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks.

I'm at the age where I have to use a lubricant before having sex with my wife.
Usually about eight or nine pints

As I was sat in the Chinese restaurant last night, the wife said to me, "What made you decide to go with the duck?"

"He's better company." I replied, putting the phone down.

Recently I was fingered for a crime.

Which seems like a weird punishment.

They say thousands of kangaroos die on the road each year in Australia.
This doesn't surprise me. I'd be shocked if their arms could even reach the steering wheel.