.

.

4 hours ago, Zyxel said:

As one gay might say to the other gay

"Let's finger out a solution between us and wipe the slate clean!"

 

PS;  No offence meant to gays or anyone else!

In/On the same vein;

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper.

Instead, I'm using newspaper now
Man, The Times are rough.

 

How many teenagers does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
Who knows;

it's never happened.

 

Why does KFC not have toilet paper?

(sorry)
Because it's finger lickin good!

 

My wife bought a toilet brush.
I tried it.

Too rough.

I’m going back to using toilet paper.

 

PS;  No comment re my sh!tty comments please!
 

Banned from the general store (again)!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, unzipped his trousers and asked "where is the fitting room"?

 

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Oh.  I thought that Caroline's fishless tuna was some sort of euphemism.

There is something "fishy" about the "tuna less tuna" saga to me!

How did @Crossy know about the non tuna tuna and why?

In a bar, an attractive woman calls the bartender over and asks to speak to the manager.

He explains that the manager is not in this evening but he will be happy to help her.

The very attractive woman leans across the bar and gently pulls the bartender in close, running her fingers through his hair.

"Are you certain that the manager is not in tonight?"

she asks, demurely.

The bartender stutters the same answer previously given, saying that he can help her.

She stares into his eyes, running her fingers over his face, across his lips and eyes, probing suggestively at his lips again.

"In that case," she purrs

 

"please inform the manager that there is no toilet paper, soap or hand towels in the ladies' restroom."

 

Born on this day in 1961. Diana, Princess of Wales.

I'm feeling a bit gutted...
Honestly thought I'd win the giant butterfly competition...
I told everyone I would win...

Me and my big moth...

I just got a new car with so many electronic settings that I can't be bothered with. There is one good one though; it says rear wash wipe

That'll be handy if I get caught short in a Bangkok traffic jam.

I've just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought why not - it's not like I'm using the roof rack for anything else.

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

The guy killed by a shark while on honeymoon did not suffer for long.
He'd only been married for 11 days.