1 minute ago, scottiejohn said:

I can hear his voice reading that!

Stuff the Indians!!

It was the first day of school in the USA, and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good! Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?”

Again, there was no response except for Chandrasekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper from one of the students:

“Stuff the bloody Indians.”

“Who said that?” she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

 

“General Custer, 1876.”

58 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back.

'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?'

The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.'

It was "hanging from a barbed wire fence in Goose Green" back in my day.

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1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

It was "hanging from a barbed wire fence

"It"!

You mean you only had one b@ll?

33 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

"It"!

You mean you only had one b@ll?

I already told you.  The other's in a beer bottle.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I already told you.  The other's in a beer bottle.

And you asked for advice about how to recover your now missing ball after 41 years?

Or are just on holiday out in the Falklands there now Goosing around with your pecker out?

 

 

 

 

13 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

And you asked for advice about how to recover your now missing ball after 41 years?

Or are just on holiday out in the Falklands there now Goosing around with your pecker out?

I was there remonstrating the locals.  That's another fine mess you got us into, Stanley.

17 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

"General Custer, 1876.”

Custer at the Little Big Horn hears ,

Boom,boom,boom BOOM,Boom,boom,boom,BOOM...

He turns to his Geordie sergeant "They've got war drums"

The sergeant replied " The thieving baastards"