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Dapper little man in a suit goes into remote outback bar.

 

A bunch of the big brawny locals are all wondering what he’s doing there. Is he a taxman, farm inspector, sheep welfare official or some other government nosy -parker.

 

Finally, one big lad goes up to him: ‘g’day cobber, you a tourist or what?’

 

Man: ‘No actually, I'm looking to move here’

 

‘So, what do you do?’

 

‘Actually, I’m a taxidermist

 

‘A F##kin WHAT?’

 

‘Oh, I like to stuff animals!’

 

Guy turns to his buddies ‘Hey guys, it’s alright, he’s one of ours!’

I’m asking on behalf of a friend of mine who needs help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he’s looking for a place to live.

A statement of correction that once appeared in a British newspaper:

In our obituary of Colonel X yesterday we mistakenly referred to him as a “battle scared veteran”; it should have described him as a “bottle scarred veteran”. Our apologies.

Next day there was another correction …

I just bought a smartphone.

It likes to wear a tie on the weekends.

I went to a Placebo concert last night.

Had no effect on me whatsoever.

The Mother Superior and a novice nun were driving through some woods. Suddenly, a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car.

“Quick!” says the Mother Superior to the novice nun. “Show him your cross”.

“Get off the f-ing bonnet!” shouts the novice.

I went to a restaurant called The Lord Giveth.
He also does take away.

My grandfather used to put a spoonful of gunpowder in his tea every morning, he said it was an old fashioned remedy that helps you to live longer. It certainly worked as he lived to 97and left 6 children and 12 grandchildren and a fifty foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.