I saw a load of German shepherds in uniform playing instruments at the shops this morning.
It was the Alsatian Army.

My mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"

I said: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee".

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a roofer to take a look at it.
"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.
I told him, "Last night, when it took me four hours to finish my soup!"

 

 

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…"

"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life.

Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, and grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks:

"So, what’s the catch?"

My grandad followed a Jerry in WW1 trench warfare. Lost him when he turned off towards their cookhouse.

Apparently, he took a turn for the wurst.

“Daddy what’s that flower called?”

“That’s a Chrysanthemum, dear.”

“How do you spell that?”

“No wait, it’s a rose.”

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

“Daddy what’s that flower called?”

“That’s a Chrysanthemum, dear.”

“How do you spell that?”

“No wait, it’s a rose.”

Daughter: "I hate unkles guts".

Father: 'Then push it aside and eat your vegetables'.

 

Wife has been nagging me saying she wants one of those fancy mixer taps, so I fitted one today all by myself, She hasn't seen it yet but I'm sure she'll love it.

On 1/4/2024 at 3:17 PM, Crossy said:

 

I assume the "money laundering" was obvious

This one should be a little easier to decipher