So an Englishman walks into a bar. The Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman are still self-isolating at home.

In a sign that things are slowly getting back to normal, it's been announced that later this year the international flicking a ruler against the edge of a desk championships will be held in Dordogne.

11 minutes ago, NanLaew said:

So an Englishman walks into a bar. The Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman are still self-isolating at home.

So just like the world cup then.

Boris Johnson stated that from Wednesday 13th May, you can go drive somewhere and meet one person. Is this not the same as dogging?

Asking for a friend.

I saw a woman had broken down at the side of the road. I didn't stop to help her.

I'm not a psychiatrist.

The Mediterranean migrant season is now gathering pace. Refugees are asked to maintain a distance of one fathom.

My psychiatrist suggested I joined a bridge club to take my mind off suicidal thoughts.

We all agreed that The Golden Gates would be the best to jump off.

I asked the old assistant in the auto parts shop if he had any jubilee clips. "No," he replied, "but I kept some footage of the coronation."

I asked my wife to get me a green jumper for my Birthday.

Just unwrapped a Frog.

"Are you a glass half full or half empty type of person?"

"Half full."

"Very good. So you're an optimist, always looking on the bright side of life?"

"No. I'm an alcoholic."

A policeman knocked on my door, showed me a picture of the wife and said, ''I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.''

''I know,'' I replied, ''but she's good with the kids.''

My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

Does anyone know if your allowed to have a shower yet, or do we just keep washing our hands?

My wife recently told me that now I am a parent I need to make sacrifices. But then she hit the roof when she came home and saw the giant pentagram on the kitchen table and what I had done to the cat.

Just spent four hours waxing the car.  I dunno know how it gets so hairy...

There was no milk in the supermarket so I bought some evaporated milk instead.

When I got it home it was just an empty tin.

Apparently, most taxi drivers only listen to the first word said to them by a client.

Which would explain the large amount of Chinese people in Harrow.

"Do you have any change for a cup of tea?"

"Yeah, try coffee."

I gave a homeless guy a tin of beans outside Sainsbury's today,

"What am I supposed to do with these?" He asked.

"Egg and chips." I replied.

Perhaps a rethink is in order ?

 

 

Tell me what you think of this ?

 

55 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Tell me what you think of this ?

The video won't play?????

8 hours ago, bluesofa said:

The Mediterranean migrant season is now gathering pace. Refugees are asked to maintain a distance of one fathom.

 

I still cannot fathom this social distancing thing.

When a poll was taken of an expat group in Bangkok of what will be the first thing they do after business and behavioural restriction are lifted. 

 

The most popular response was:

 

Go to Siam Paragon, have a huge dump and not wash my hands.