3 minutes ago, fangless said:

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered,

Reminds me of the best T-shirt I ever saw. It said:-

 

PATTAYA

Veni

Vidi

Veni

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed that the student still hadn’t turned in the assignment. She emailed him to find out why he still wasn’t doing his homework, to which she received the usual reply that his dog ate his homework.

The teacher thought she had finally caught him in the act! She was curious as to why he would tell such an obvious lie, so she responded back and asked how that could still be, as the assignment was completely online.

The student responded, “I’m sorry this keeps happening, but I can still turn in the last few problems if you want as I managed to stop my dog after the first few bytes.”

  

New Mercedes

 

    A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155,
Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "

 

 

 

 

 

 

   A little Push

Man and wife are fast asleep in the middle of the night in the countryside when they're woken by a knock at the door
The husband puts on his robe, goes downstairs and answers the door to a stressed out, drenched from the rain, desperate-looking man.
“I’m sorry to knock at such an hour but could you give me a push…I’m stuck?”
The husband looks outside and sees the lashing rain and the black night and replies: “Sorry mate…it’s just too late…I’m in bed with my wife” and closes the door on the poor, soaking fellow.
As he gets back in bed his wife asks “who was it? what did they want?”
“Oh…it was just some bloke who wanted a push…. I told him “no”
His wife, assumes a disappointed attitude, replies: “but…remember when we got stuck at night in the rain and couldn’t get anywhere and that man came and gave us a push?”
Feeling guilty, the husband gets back out of bed, puts on his robe and says “You’re right…I’m going to see if he’s still there” and runs downstairs, opens the front door and shouts “MATE …MATE …. DO YOU STILL WANT THAT PUSH?”
A distant voice replies “Yes please”

Husband: “WHERE ARE YOU?”
Man: ”I’m over here on your swing!

a Natures PiP moment...

 

 

On 5/13/2020 at 12:17 PM, Andrew Dwyer said:

Exactly !!

 

Was trying to see how many it would fool !!

I thought we were judging the pizza. Looks like something Pizza Company would dream up! 

 

Spot the mistake

 

 

 

stages of quarantine

 

 

Here is a classic “No Sh!t” sea story -

 

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when the Captain noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags.

Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?"

The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."

Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge.

The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

 

move aside glorious leader...

 

 

 

 

the Russian vaccine revealed...