I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
~ W.C. Fields ~

I can resist everything except temptation.
~ Oscar Wilde ~

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
~ Mark Twain ~

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
~ Oscar Wilde ~

 It takes many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

- An egotist is a person more interested in himself than in me.

- A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

- A good life is like toilet paper - Long and useful.

- An impotent loser is a man who can't even get his hopes up.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

 

A Catholic priest a Protestant Minister and a rabbit walk into a bar... The rabbit says.....'I think I'm a typo...'..

A couple of mates meet in the street.

 

First mate says, Hi! mate how's the wife?

 

Second mate replies, OH! I left her in bed smoking

 

First mate, You're lucky mine never gets that hot.

 

Boom! Boom! 

1 hour ago, fangless said:

Not deep enough for the Crabfats or Pongoes said the Fishhead!

(UK Military will understand!)

I as a Crabfat for 25 years back in the last century.

 

I can even remember when aircraft had fans on their wings and helicopters had a big fan on the roof to keep the drivers cool. I can even remember when they had a wheel on each wing and a little one on the back to keep the tail from dragging on the ground.

29 minutes ago, billd766 said:

I as a Crabfat for 25 years back in the last century.

 

I can even remember when aircraft had fans on their wings and helicopters had a big fan on the roof to keep the drivers cool. I can even remember when they had a wheel on each wing and a little one on the back to keep the tail from dragging on the ground.

Of course modern day Crabfats just Drone on and on without even a wing and a prayer!

52 minutes ago, fangless said:

Of course modern day Crabfats just Drone on and on without even a wing and a prayer!

Not true.

 

They do have wings and a fan at the back pushing it around the sky, but no prayers or drivers.

 

“ Dear Father, 

London is wonderful, everyone is very friendly and everything is great.

But father, when I arrive at the University in the solid gold Ferrari, that you kindly bought for me, I am ashamed because all my fellow students and even the professors arrive by train!!

                      Your loving son Nasser “

 

 

 

 

“My dearest son ,

I have transferred 20 million pounds sterling to your account . Please stop bringing shame to our family.

Go and buy a train for yourself also !!

            All my love,

                Daddy “

A young guy in the USA from the south moves to New York city. He goes out looking for a job. He speaks to the manager at one of the big has everything stores. The manager says well I heard about guys from the south not working hard but I'll give you shot. The next day he started, at the end of the day the manager has a meeting and asks all the sales guys how many customers they had. All around the room 20-25 etc. Manager gets to the new guy from the south and he says 1, manager what?? One sale? It's your first day but I expected better than this. The manager then asks him how much was the sale for? The guys says $82,700, that manager jumps up wow, one customer bought that much. What did you sell him. First I sold him fishing hooks, but he had no fishing rod so I sold him a fishing rod, but he had no boat so I sold him a boat and then his truck wasn't big enough to pull the boat so I sold him a truck.  The manager really impressed says, You sold him all of that, and he just wanted fishing hooks. The guy from the south says no. He came in looking for tampons, I told him your weekend is shot you should fishing!

 a Bikini takes aToll 

 

 

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defence, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping around in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

 

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defence.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

 

The Minister of Defence raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses.

Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses.

Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts

 

 

"Look! Flying dead ducks!"

A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase
He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:

"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."

The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:

 

 

"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerland, there's no shame in being poor."

 

An Avid Sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

 

 

He replied, "I wasn’t."
 

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery to honour her, I poured a fine 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.
But first I filtered it through my kidneys