8 minutes ago, fangless said:

That's him stuffed then.

PS;  I wonder who did it!

The butler in the drawing  room with the candle(stick)?

Just now, billd766 said:

The butler in the drawing  room with the candle(stick)?

That's wick(ed) but it was probably an old flame.

16 minutes ago, fangless said:

That's wick(ed) but it was probably an old flame.

Be careful that you don't get singed or your eyebrows heat treated.

1 minute ago, billd766 said:

Be careful that you don't get singed or your eyebrows heat treated.

You are waxing lyrical with your flaming comments and heated exchange!

But I will turn a blind eye to that without batting an eyelid.

1 hour ago, fangless said:

You are waxing lyrical with your flaming comments and heated exchange!

But I will turn a blind eye to that without batting an eyelid.

What a great response. Sadly both of my brain cells have flickered in this dying light and now have given up and there are only embers left.

1 minute ago, billd766 said:

What a great response. Sadly both of my brain cells have flickered in this dying light and now have given up and there are only embers left.

Is it the brain cell or the embers that have reduced themselves to ashes?

You can go to your slumbers now and I will switch off for the night!

 

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the
entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. 

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.

Barman says “Oh my god, not U2 again!”

A guy I know went to Court yesterday & was found guilty of using too many commas.
The Judge warned him to expect a really long Sentence.

7 hours ago, Davo369 said:

I see it has subtitles for the hard-of-listening.

A SIGN OF THE COVID TIMES!

REAL ESTATE AGENT/REALATOR ADVERT

Ideal for self isolating /quarantining.  

No neighbours, shops or amenities for 3 miles.

In need of renovation.

 

Note; Local  DIY AND GROCERY shops do home deliveries.

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way!

 

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger, well that is what the sales assistant told her!

 

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror in the marriage bedroom applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me before, what age would you say I am"?

 

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 25; your hair, 18; your eyes, 22 and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward for such well deserved, in her opinion, flattery, he stops her by saying,

 

"Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"

 

The will reading is next Monday!

10 hours ago, ballpoint said:

A guy I know went to Court yesterday & was found guilty of using too many commas.
The Judge warned him to expect a really long Sentence.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum thinks she might have this Conivid thing and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

Little Johnny stood up...

"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said

"its going to take the contagious."

What do you call a guerrilla writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure?

A rebel without a clause

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Why don't parents  let their kids listen to Beethoven?

Because of all the violins

you need to turn up the volume up on this one, due to bad dubbing