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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little <deleted>, O'Connor," says Sean "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

How did you get that eye patch?

A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

 

The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”

 

“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”

“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”

 

“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”

“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.”

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.

 

“Well…” said the old sea dog, ” it was me first day with the hook.”

What’s your position, sailor?

A novice yachtsman got into trouble in heavy swell had to call the Coast Guard for help.

“Mayday, mayday, mayday!” he yelled. “This is yacht Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, over.”

“Corporate Junket, this is Solent Coastguard,” came the reply. “Can you give me your position sir, over.”

“Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Junket. I’m a director in a financial planning company, over.”

And didn’t spill a drop.

An old captain and his first mate are reminiscing about their days on the Arctic convoys of World War II together.

 

Captain: “All through those terrible, dark, storm wracked nights, you never once failed to bring me a steaming full mug of tea on the night watch. How on earth did you manage it without ever spilling a drop?

 

First mate: “Well Sir, since you ask, I used to take a swig of your tea in the galley, then spit it back in the mug when I got to your door.”

The sea captain and the punk rocker

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour … green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

 

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

 

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”

Driving me nuts!

An ‘ol salt swaggers into a bar.

He has a ship’s wheel stuffed into the front of his trousers.

The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a ship’s wheel in your trousers!”

The ‘ol salt says, “Aye mate and it’s driving me nuts!”

In breaking news, Sting has just been kidnapped.

The Police don't have a lead.

More breaking news:

The local prosthetics shop is changing hands.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak...

So to cheer myself up, I bought an adorable little puppy!

Someone told me when you turn 100 you get a telegram from the Queen.

And when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew.

11 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I'd have thought KY Jelly would be the correct term.

This is a picture of my Hawaiian Pizza, should have been cooked at Aloha temperature. 

Ray and Bob... 

 

 

 

3 hours ago, roo860 said:

This is a picture of my Hawaiian Pizza, should have been cooked at Aloha temperature. 

It's the quickest way I know to burn off 800 calories!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair – No Matter How Big They Are.

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.

She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"

He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant...

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.

 

To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"

On 1/22/2021 at 6:45 AM, roo860 said:

 

This is what happens when you turn around 180 degree to fast

 

The correct medical term is 'Camel toe turn around'

In times of lockdown, we have to make our own entertainment.  Every Friday night I send flowers to my neighbour's wife, labelled "From Steve", and settle down with the popcorn to watch the fight.