2 minutes ago, roo860 said:

I believe he changed his CV to a Muff diver instead!

 

 

 

I'm not boasting but;

An elderly snake went to an optician and said: ‘My eyesight has got so bad that I can’t see to hunt anymore. I think I might need a pair of glasses.’

So the optician fixed the snake up with a pair of glasses and told him to come back if he still couldn’t see properly.

Two weeks later, the snake was back at the optician’s. ‘I’m depressed,’ he complained.

‘Why, what’s the problem?’ asked the optician. ‘Haven’t the glasses helped?’

‘The glasses are fine,’ sighed the snake.

 

‘But I’ve realized that I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past five years and not a frigid wife!’
 

In the middle of the night two bats were hanging upside down in their cave. The first bat turned to the second bat and said: ‘Do you fancy going out to get some nice tasty blood for a late-night snack?’

‘Where are we going to find blood at this time of night?’ asked the second bat.

‘Okay,’ said the first bat. ‘I’ll fly off by myself.’

Twenty minutes later, the first bat returned to the cave with blood dripping from his mouth and running all over his body.

‘Wow!’ exclaimed the second bat. ‘Where did you get all that blood?’

‘See that tree over there?’ said the first bat.

‘Yes.’

 

‘Well I didn’t!’
 

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said:

‘Dad, am I one hundred per cent polar bear?’

‘Of course, son,’ replied the father. ‘You are one hundred per cent polar bear.’

A few minutes later, the cub turned to his father again and said:

‘Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I one hundred per cent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?’

The father put a loving paw on his son’s head.

‘Son,’ he said, ‘I am one hundred per cent polar bear, your mother is one hundred per cent polar bear, so you are definitely one hundred per cent polar bear.’

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and said: ‘Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying things just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I really really one hundred per cent polar bear?’

By now the father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said:

‘Why do you keep asking if you are one hundred per cent polar bear?’

 

The cub replied: ‘Because I’m bloody freezing!’

God had almost finished creating the universe when he realized he still had a couple of items left over in his bag of creations. So he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

 

‘Listen,’ said God, ‘one of the items I can give away is the ability to stand up and pee. It might not sound very exciting, but it could be useful. So do either of you want it?’

‘Me, me, me!’ pleaded Adam, jumping up and down excitedly.

‘I want to be able to pee standing up. Please, God, give it to me.’

‘Is that okay with you, Eve?’ asked God.

‘Sure,’ said Eve wearily. ‘If it keeps him happy, let him have it. I'm always squatting by the cooking pot anyway!’

‘Very well,’ said God. ‘From now on, Adam, you will be able to pee standing up.

Right, now what else is left in the bag?

 

 

Oh, yes Eve it must be your turn now!

Multiple orgasms . . !’

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