"I'm sorry, dad, I think I've let you down." 
"Why's that, son?" 
"Yesterday we had to do our first parachute jump and when it came to my turn, I just froze, I couldn't make myself take that final step." 
"So what happened?" 
"The instructor told me if I didn't jump, he'd "do" me up the a*se." 
"So did you jump?" 

"I did a little, at first." 
 

A flirty young farmer's daughter took her father's prize cows over to the neighbouring farm to be serviced by their bull. 
 
The handsome farmhand brought in the bull and before long there was a flurry of activity. 
"Cor, I wish I was doing that," said the farmhand feverishly looking at the girl. 
"Well, it's alright by me," replied the girl, smiling coyly. 

"Thanks," he said, "but maybe the cow wouldn't like it." 

A tom cat was running frantically about the base of the tree while a female cat was giving him the come on from one of the branches. 
"Why don't you get up there and give her one," asked a fellow cat walking by. 
"Listen, mate, have you ever tried climbing a tree with a b*ner?." 
 

My dad would shout upstairs “ come here and change the channel “ !!




Only joking [emoji854]

It was my mum ????

Unkind !!......................but funny [emoji23]

8 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Unkind !!......................but funny

The wife worked in a local supermarket on the customer service desk.

When a woman was trying to locate her lost five-year-old son, after asking his name the woman announced on the PA, "Mike Hunt, has anyone seen Mike Hunt?"

 

The wife worked in a local supermarket on the customer service desk.
When a woman was trying to locate her lost five-year-old son, after asking his name the woman announced on the PA, "Mike Hunt, has anyone seen Mike Hunt?"
 

Was that before or after it appeared in the movie Porky’s ?

Customer in lingerie shop, "are these knickers satin"?

"No Madam, all of our goods are brand new".

17 minutes ago, MrMuddle said:

Customer in lingerie shop, "are these knickers satin"?

"No Madam, all of our goods are brand new".

Oh dam, in that case I would like felt!

A frustrated old spinster had read in a woman's magazine that the bigger the man's feet, the bigger his organ. This piece of information was still in her mind when two days later a tramp came to the door with the biggest feet she had ever seen. Quick as a flash, she invited him in and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed. The next day as he was leaving she shouted at him crossly,

 

"Next time, wear shoes that fit you." 

For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. 
"Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth." 
She replied, "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of straight b*stards in the family than a lawyer. 

Two ducks meet in the hotel bar, have a few drinks and decide to book into a room for the night. But ever mindful of safe sex, they ask room service for a packet of condoms. 
A few minutes later the condoms arrive and the waiter asks, 
"Shall I put it on your bill, Sir?" 
"Not bloody likely," bellows the male duck,

 

"I'm not some kind of pervert you know." 
 

"It's no good, it's over" said Julie. "You are so bad in bed." 
"Oh come on," said the man affronted,

"how can you tell after 15 seconds?" 

 
"Billy, I'm pregnant and if you don't marry me, I'll kill myself," wailed the girl. 
"Oh June, you're a brick, not only are you a good screw, but you're a good sport as well." 

  
"How dare you ask me if I've been to bed with anyone else, that's my business," she said angrily. 
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was your profession," replied the young man.