The new vicar set out on his parish rounds to introduce himself to the congregation. At his second stop he came across a cottage standing alone, with six children of all ages, running around madly in the garden. He knocked at the door, but getting no answer, peered through the dining room window.

"Oh, goodness!" he exclaimed, moving away hurriedly from the sight of two naked bodies writhing around in ecstasy. Blushing profusely, he moved on to the next cottage where he met a friendly man hanging out the washing.

After a few moments of chat, he commented on the people next door.

"They really love children, don't they?" remarked the vicar.

"You can say that again," replied the man, "his wife's just gone into hospital to have her seventh, so my wife's gone round to see if there's anything she can do to help."
 

Social security refused my deaf, blind and dumb kid's application for disability benefits.
They said he was fit for work and could test pinball machines.

 

something any aussie will git straight away ????  

 

 

Cockroaches 

 

 

 

Why's your dog wearing brown boots?

Because his black one's are being repaired.

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.

A man goes to confession...

Man: Forgive me farher for what I have sinned.

 

Father: What did you do my child?

 

Man: I went to my sister in law's home. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.

 

Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.

 

Man: The day after that, I went to see my mother in law. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.

 

Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.

 

Man: Yesterday, I went to see my brother in law. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.

 

Upon hearing that, Father looks out from the window and says:

The weather looks cloudy. Get the <deleted> out before it starts raining.

I saw Cliff Richard in my local Chinese takeaway recently. 
The owner said to him, "you sing my favourite song, I give you free meal!"

Cliff replied, "sure, what do you want to hear?"
The man said, "itchy sore fanny!"

Cliff looked confused and said, "sorry that's not one of my songs".
"Yes it is" said the man. "Itchy sore fanny how we don't talk any more".
 

An Englishman was surprised to find out that a long lost uncle had left him a "farm" in the Australian outback, so he decided to go and have a look at it.

 

Well it was right out in the middle of nowhere, dry and dusty, with a large wooden bungalow as accommodation, and one day he was standing on his porch looking out into the wilderness and he spied some dust in the distance, and it seemed to be getting closer to him.

 

Closer and closer it got and after a while a utility truck (Ute) pulled up outside his house, and out jumped a typical Aussie outback man, saying, "G'day maate, how ya goin?".

 

The Englishman replied in an upper-class accent, "rather good thank you".

 

The Aussie replied, "well it's very rare to get new neighbours out in this part of the world, so why don't you come over to my place tomorrow to get acquainted".

 

The Englishman said, "oh, good, where exactly is your place?".

 

The Aussie said, "well you head about 50 km north, and about another 10 km west and that's my place. So come over tomorrow and I'll get a few beers in, throw a few steaks on the barbie, and we'll have a bit of singing, a bit of dancing, and a bit of rooting!!".

"Oh, that sounds rather splendid", said the Englishman, "what should I wear?".

"Doesn't really matter" replied the Aussie, "there'll only be the two of us".
 

 This is why...

 

 

The wife just rushed in, all smiles, saying she found her wedding dress and she can still fit in it...

...I haven't the heart to tell her it's the marquee.

At the beginning of a concert Beethoven yells to the crowd, "Are you ready for some symphonies?"

Crowd: "YEAH!"

Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"

I have absolutely no handle on current global tastes in pornography.

Honestly. I don't know what the world is coming to.

2 hours ago, xylophone said:

I saw Cliff Richard in my local Chinese takeaway recently. 
The owner said to him, "you sing my favourite song, I give you free meal!"

Cliff replied, "sure, what do you want to hear?"
The man said, "itchy sore fanny!"

Cliff looked confused and said, "sorry that's not one of my songs".
"Yes it is" said the man. "Itchy sore fanny how we don't talk any more".
 

Only for @VocalNeal

 

 

 

In the wild I ... 

 

 

 

 

 

I Updated my...   

 

 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, tomazbodner said:

Only for @VocalNeal

 

 

 

 

Sadly I got it the first time. Although in a way this is the worst joke thread so my initial reaction could be taken a a complement?

Darn It... 

 

What are your... 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you get...

 

 

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said,” I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you, both beat.  

You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well.  I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.  

It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him.  

I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.  

Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge.  I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes.  And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes.

 

That chicken was delicious.”