A Yorkshire man’s wife dies and he decided to have inscribed on her headstone "She were thine" - but they made a mistake and wrote "She were thin".

"You've missed out the "e" ya' daft beggers!".

"No worries we'll fix it".

Later the headstone read….. "E, she were thin"

I've started wearing a Nurses outfit, and helping out at ante-natal classes, I think I'm going through a mid-wife crisis....

Immigration Office hires a retired farang to finally fix the 90 days report computer..

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”

Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

Politicians go on a vacation by bus...

The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.

The following day the police question the farmer:

- Did you not find any victims?
- Actually, I did.
- And where are they?
- Well, I buried them.
- Every politician died?!
- Some of them said they didn't, but I don't believe a word of what they say anymore...

Painfully accurate...

Just for the record, a person born in '33 would have been 45 in '78.

A attractive blonde was driving down a country road when she spotted another blonde in the middle of a wheat field, rowing a boat for all her worth.
Curious, she stopped the car, staring in disbelief as the woman pulled and sweated.

When she couldn’t stand it any more, she called-out, “Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”

Stopping her efforts for the moment, the blond in the boat responds, “Because it’s an ‘ocean’ of wheat!”

The blond standing on the side of the road is furious! She yells at the rower, “It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!”

The woman in the boat just shrugs her shoulders and begins to row again.

Standing by her car, the woman is beside herself. She shakes her fist at the woman in the field, yelling, “If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”

Things not to say when you're pulled over for speeding:

 

Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?
Hi Officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
So, uh, you "on the take" or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the <deleted> outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

On 5/11/2021 at 10:02 PM, tomazbodner said:

Best stairs ever...

 

Don't be daft, that's the wheelchair ramp.

I saw a bull charging in a field yesterday.
I never knew they were battery powered.

It's a sad day. Bilbo Baggins has died.
I've just read his hobbituary

As her plane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

"Here, iron this!".

My gorgeous next door neighbour is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far. She said,'I cant get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?' I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red.' After a week of watching her expose her beautiful body to the tomatoes, I went over and asked her.'Any luck with the tomatoes?' She said,"Not yet, but the cucumbers are enormous.'

One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

 

She read, “. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?’”

 

The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

 

One little boy raised his hand and said, “ I think he said, ‘HOLY 5***! A TALKING PIG!?!’”

A pregnant woman gets into a car crash..

She survives but ends up in a coma for about a week. When she wakes up, she notices that her belly was flat and starts to panic. Her doctor comes in and tells her that everything is okay and that she actually gave birth to two healthy twins in her coma: a girl and a boy.

 

He explains to her that while she's been comatose, her brother has been taking care of her babies and even named them. The woman got apprehensive knowing how stupid her brother can be and finally asked what he named them. The doctor says the girl was named Denise. The woman had a sigh of a relief, thinking it was a nice name and then asked what he named her son.

 

The doctor simply replied, "Denephew."

I give the kid... 

 

 

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I was at Swampy one day... when people still flew around the World, I know that sounds like ages ago... anyway, there was a guy there in arrival area, holding up the sign "Dirty Harry". It was some Air France flight... handwritten note, I think I even took photo of him.

3 hours ago, roo860 said:

Cannibalism or "sorry son, I should have held you tighter"?