The doctor examines a man and then takes his wife aside.

"He needs complete rest for at least a week" he says, handing her a bottle of sleeping pills.

"How many should he take?" she asks.

"Oh, they're not for him.  Take two every time you wake up".

A cop on a horse stops little Johnny riding his bike and says "Nice bike, sonny, did Santa get you that?"

"Yes", says Johnny.

"Well, next year tell him to put a reflector on it" says the cop, and fines him $5.

Johnny thinks for a bit and says "Nice horse, Mr policeman, did Santa get you that?"

"Yes", says the cop, rather amused.

"Well, next year tell him the dick is supposed to be under the horse, not on top of it".

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will.

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug,” the man says.

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

A short speech from her!

That's an oxymoron from a poisoned dwarf.  

 

At least the hot air from the hand dryer is non toxic and can do some good!

If only I could!

 

 

 

 

No' I think it is because people are dying to enter!

 

 

 

 
A large middle-aged man and a young slim girl had just got married and were now in the honeymoon suite. The man took his trousers off, handed them to his new wife and said, "Here, put these on." 
Puzzled, the girl replied, "But these won't fit me." 
"That's right," he said. "I just wanted to be sure that you knew who would be wearing the trousers in this marriage." 
"Oh really!" she sneered, as she took off her knickers and threw them at him. 
"Put these on," she said. 
"Don't be silly, I can't get into these." 
She replied, "Too right you can't and you never will get into them until you stop spouting those old fashioned ideas at me." 

The morning after their honeymoon night the husband comes down to breakfast to see just a piece of lettuce and a carrot on his plate. 
"What's this?" he asks. 
She replies with a huge grin,

 

"I just want to know if you eat like a rabbit too." 

Adam was all alone in the Garden of Eden and as he was wandering about he came across two rabbits, one humping the other. 

"What are those two rabbits doing?" he asked the Lord. 
And the Lord replied, "They are making love." 
A little later he came across two doves, one mounted on the other. 
"Lord, what are those two birds doing?" asked Adam. 
 "They are making love" came the reply. 
Adam thought for a moment and then said, "Why am I all alone? 
Why don't I have someone to love?" 
"OK, Adam, when you wake up in the morning, you won't be alone any longer. and can make love." 
So the next day when Adam awoke, Eve was lying next to him. 
He immediately jumped on top of her but a moment later he asked,

 

"Lord, what's a headache?" 

Seems like I don’t have much option !!

17 hours ago, fasteddie said:

Is it an open or shut case as Sherlock might say.  Dig you later!

 

17 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Seems like I don’t have much option !!

Beware the yellow peril, but don't get too blue!

Cheers!

Today I learned that the average person consumes 9 alcoholic drinks a week.
Today I also learned that I am above average. 
 

 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office and to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did this and returned to class. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mum!" she said. "I did" he said, 

"and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school" 

 Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Isles? Same thing - not one canary there either!