50 minutes ago, fangless said:

You really are quite a card aren't you.

Suit yourself, but I'm just an ordinary joker.

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0

I noticed that the new program began running unexpected child processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

 

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Monday Night football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

 

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.

 

Can you help me please?

 

Thanks,

 

Joe

 

——————————————————–

Dear Joe:

 

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

 

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program.

 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

 

Hope that helps.

2 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

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Deutschland, Deutschland über Sitze

 

 Cut'n'Paste your own TV stations for respective home country...

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a minute. Suddenly Billy drops the worm and says "I'll be right back" and runs into the house.

 

Billy comes back with a can of hairspray, grabs one of the worms and sprays it down until it's stiff enough to slip right into it's hole.

 

"Well I'll be damn." Says the grandfather, handing over Billy's money. "You know what son, I'll be right back." says the grandfather heading into the house.

 

About fifteen minutes later his grandfather comes out of the house and gives Billy ten dollars. "But you already gave me the ten dollars papa." Says a confused Billy.

 

"That's from your grandma."

New books were just published... if anyone is interested...

 

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.

One came, one saw, one conquered.

 

 

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from an angler sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me £5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me £25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: Shaking her head side to side with her mouth closed, "Unh unh.

I'm off to repair Cat Steven's caravan

Awning has broken

I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.
If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy.
That bronze medal would be mine.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise...

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

I have started to play chess with old folk in the park.
Finding 32 of them isn't easy though.

My mate had one of his testicles removed today after finding a lump.
That's how serious he is about mashed potato.

I keep dreaming that I'm Suggs,
is this the first sign of Madness, or am I one step beyond that?

Germany completed 656 passes in their last game.
The only way England could equal that is if they put Harry Kane on mastermind.

38 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I have started to play chess with old folk in the park.
Finding 32 of them isn't easy though.

I bet they found more queens than knights in the park, and as for Bishops, lets not go there as I mitre need a lawyer to defend me!

Why do Australians seem to play the fastest games of chess?

They are forever saying Check, mate!

Why is playing chess difficult in France?

You can't tell the difference between the kings and Queens as they have no heads!

I have just started playing chess and seem to loose all my games,

Am I just making rookie mistakes?

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