Just now, Crossy said:

Quite an oddity.  I wonder whose shirts they wear?

4 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Quite an oddity.  I wonder whose shirts they wear?

 

Aircon man needed because the circuit's dead, there's something wrong.

 

3 hours ago, Crossy said:

 

Aircon man needed because the circuit's dead, there's something wrong.

 

But, given that ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie, do you really want him working on your aircon?  Though, I suppose he get's things done, if you don't mess with him.  At least, so mother says.

 

 

The young couple arrived back from a wonderful honeymoon to begin their married life in a little terraced cottage. After his first day back at work, the husband returned home to find his wife in floods of tears. 
"What's wrong, darling?" he asked. 
"Oh Ben, I wanted everything to be so perfect for you, but I've gone and burnt the dinner." The man took her in his arms, consoled her and they ended up in bed.

The next day, he arrived home to discover the dinner had been spoilt again, so after comforting her, they ended up in bed a second time.

This continued all week but when he arrived home on Friday night, instead of seeing her in tears, he found her sliding down the bannister stark naked. 

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed. 

"I'm just keeping your dinner warm," she replied. 

A woman returned from the doctor's to find her husband sprawled in a chair.

"Why are you so happy?" he moaned, looking at her smiling face. 
"I've just been told that I have the breasts of an 18-year-old." 
"Really! and what did he say about the 50 year old arse you have?" 

"We didn't talk about you," she replied. 
 

I’M NOT SAYING MY MATE (HONEST HIM NOT ME!) IS A BIT OF A SEX BOMB FAILURE BUT;

Last night his wife met him at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

A girl phoned him and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' He went over. Nobody was home!

 

A hooker once told him she had a headache and gave him a refund.

 

He went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

 

If it weren't for pickpockets, He'd have no sex life at all.

 

He was making love to this girl and she started crying He said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate
myself now.'
 

3 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

It's an absolute dead cert, TiT!

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee Total = $21.00

 

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up.
Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up;
poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up;
finish case of beer with him.
Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer.
No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11;
buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug you dropped in step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: $50.00 parts $25.00 beer $75.00 replacement set of jack stands $1,000.00 Bail $200.00 Impound and towing fee

Total = $1350.00

We've all heard about people being described as having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion

I don’t need this negativity in my life !!

A new widow visited the mortician to view her husband in his coffin a couple of days before the burial and immediately burst into tears.

"You've put him in a black suit! It was his wish to be buried in a blue one!" she sobbed.

"I'm sorry", said the mortician, "I'll see what I can do".

Next day the woman comes back and sees that he's now lying there in a blue one.

"Thank you, thank you" she says, "I'm so glad you found a blue suit that fitted him".

"Well", said the mortician, "just after you left yesterday we received a man wearing a blue suit, who was exactly the same size as your husband.  Coincidently, his wife said she'd prefer him to be in a black one.  Well, after that, it was simply a matter of swapping their heads over".

 

Think I’ve got a leak under the sink !!

“ yeah I ate it , you’ve got money buy some more !!
Buy red ones next time, they taste better ! “

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a sexy young woman was waiting for a bus and wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how depressed this guy is.
"Give me a beer", said the guy.
"Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face?"
"I just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.

The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey.
"Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay too."

The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.
"God doesn't anyone in your house like girls?", asked the bartender.

The guy replies, "Yeah, my wife!"

PLEASE DON’T FEEL SORRY FOR ME BUT!;

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a "two-bagger." That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.  That’s when she is not working in prisons to cure sex offenders.  If he sticks her head out the window she gets arrested for mooning.

 

My wife is such a bad cook we pray after the meal; the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer and if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves with it.

 

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

 

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

 

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.