PS; If you are not aware of "Tylenol" and what it does you are now!  If you don't know what "Durex" does then you are well and truly (non) "f*c*ed"

The bride was in floods of tears. Only an hour before her wedding and the heel had broken on her new shoes. 
"Don't worry," said the bridesmaid. "I've got a pair of white shoes, they may be a bit small but I think you'll be able to put up with them for a short while." 
So the wedding went ahead without mishap and afterwards at the reception there was much merrymaking. However, by the end of the evening, Megan's feet were in agony and she couldn't wait to get upstairs to their honeymoon suite to get the shoes off. 
Unbeknown to the happy couple, some of the guests, including the parents, followed them upstairs to listen outside the door. For a few minutes they giggled as they heard the sound of huffing and puffing and groaning and then the bridegroom was heard to say, "My goodness Megan, that was tight." 

"There!" whispered her mother. "I told you she was a virgin." 
But then they all got quite a surprise when they heard him say, 
"Okay, now for the other one." 
Again, there was the sound of groaning and panting until the bridegroom spoke again. 
"Blimey, that was even tighter." 
"Good lad," whispered his father. 
"Once a sailor, always a sailor." 

After a wonderful honeymoon night, the new husband wakes to find his wife in tears. 
"Darling, what's wrong? Was it too much for you last night?" 
"Oh no, no," sobbed the wife, "but look at it this morning, I fear we've used it all up." 

 

The Reverend James and his newly married wife retire to the honeymoon suite, where she gets ready for bed and he disappears into the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out to find his wife is already naked under the covers. 
"Doris, I thought I'd find you on your knees," he said. 
"Oh darling, we can do it that way another time, for the moment I'd like to see your face. while make love for the first time!" 

 

If you’re having a bad day?
Imagine how this lady is feeling !!

5 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

If you’re having a bad day?
Imagine how this lady is feeling !!

Well that's one way to cement a new relationship with the neighbours/husband!

Well that's one way to cement a new relationship with the neighbours/husband!

Yeah, they didn’t want to get off on a wrong footing ????

11 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Yeah, they didn’t want to get off on a wrong footing ????

Nothing concrete to go on but I think they want to get stuck in and make a lasting impression. Or maybe they have just put their foot in it again!

You're riding a horse at what seems full speed, there's a giraffe next to you, and a lion chasing you. What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the fairground carousel.

 

A Police Officer came to our house and asked me where I was between    3 & 4.

He seemed irritated when I answered: "Kindergarten" 
 

DADDY'S FAT
Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"
"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly would get very big and fat.  Bouncing on him like that keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work." 
"Why not?"
"Because the Au pair keeps blowing him back up again." 
 

Just learned that a dentist a block away from my house was arrested for dealing drugs.

Shows you how wrong you can be about people.

I have been going to him to get fixed for over ten years off and on.

Never knew he was a dentist. 

 

PS;  I always thought he was a bit down in the mouth but maybe he tried to extract too much form a toothless customer!
 

He can be forgiven as he was just a baby.



But 18 years later seems like he hasn’t evolved much !!

35 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

He can be forgiven as he was just a baby.



But 18 years later seems like he hasn’t evolved much !!

By that age they're set in their ways.

By that age they're set in their ways.

Yup, he’s definitely stuck in a rut

Apologies in advance for the lengthy post, and the crude subject - but I think the following definitions are quite amusing ... Several of them resonate with me.

 

Ghost Shit:

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

 

Teflon coated shit:

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

 

Gooey shit:

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

 

Second thought shit:

You're all done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

 

Pop a vein in your forehead shit:

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

 

Right now shit:

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

 

King kong or commode choker shit:

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

 

Wet cheeks shit:

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet.

 

Wish shit:

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

 

Snake shit:

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

 

Cork shit (also known as floater shit):

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

 

Mexican food shit (also called screamers):

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your <deleted> stops burning.

 

Beer drunk shit:

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

 

The frightened turtle:

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

 

The bungee shit:

The kind of shit that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water.

 

The ring of fire shit:

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your <deleted> feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

 

The crippler:

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

 

The big bobber:

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

 

The shitty shitty bang bang:

The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

 

The incredible Hulk shit:

The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

 

The Jack the ripper shit:

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your arse as it pushes its way out.

 

The party pooper:

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

 

Dirty bowl shit:

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

 

The windy city shit:

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

 

Oh Shit! Shit:

You shit so much and wipe your arse so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

 

The never ending shit:

It's the shit that keeps running out of your arse like pee, and just when you start wiping your arse your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

 

Ouch that hurt shit:

The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

 

And, one of my own that was missing from the list ...

The non-shit:

This is where I retreat to the lavatory, with my crossword or book. No intention to take a dump - just getting 20 -30 minutes of peace and quiet away from the family.

2 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

... 

And, one of my own that was missing from the list ...

The non-shit:

This is where I retreat to the lavatory, with my crossword or book. No intention to take a dump - just getting 20 -30 minutes of peace and quiet away from the family.

Ah.  Getting away from shit, as it were.

 
And, one of my own that was missing from the list ...
The non-shit:
This is where I retreat to the lavatory, with my crossword or book. No intention to take a dump - just getting 20 -30 minutes of peace and quiet away from the family.

Or what about “ The Curly Wurly Shit “:

Where it mysteriously curls around in a full circle and then some !!, sitting in the pan above the water line looking like a healthy dog turd or one bought from a joke shop !!
Usually requires intervention from the bog brush or your foot to aid flushing !!
Also, for some mysterious reason, usually occurs at someone else’s house !!