A popular local dignitary had died and the church was full to overflowing with people who had come to pay their last respects. At the front of the church stood the coffin and just as the funeral service was about to start, an escaped lunatic jumped on top of it and started pulling at the clasp. 
Immediately, one of the family hurried over and urged him to get down. But he refused to move. 
"Look, I'll give you £20 to get off," said the man desperately but still the lunatic refused to move.

Another member of the family came over and offered him £40.

The lunatic shook his head.

A third member came over and shouted, "Here, is £100 take the money." 

"No," said the lunatic confidently. "I'll open the box." 

There was a knock on the Mother Superior's door. 
"Come in," she called. 
"Oh Mother Superior, you'll never believe this but we've discovered a case of syphilis," said the nun, visibly shocked. 

"Oh good," replied the ageing nun.

Eventually one of the Nuns, even more shocked asked in a trembling voice "Why did you say that?"

"I really was getting fed up with the same old Muscadet and Blue Nun." 

Sorry to repeat this joke but the gf just reminded me of something that happened on the day we met .



Sooo, she was working in a restaurant and I was eating there, we started chatting and had done all the usual “ where do you come from ? “ “ what’s your name ? “ stuff and I invited her to sit with me during her break when she asked me “ do you have a wife ? “ but I understood it as “ do you have wi -fi ? ) !!
So, I looked at my phone and said “ yes, I think so “ , her face was a picture as she tried to take this answer in [emoji3] and I was kinda thinking “ what’s she pulling that face for ? , looks a little retarded “

Anyhoo, it all worked out okay and been together nearly 4 years but it could have ended there and then all because of one misheard word !!

So I guess I’m either really lucky or really unlucky......... you decide !! [emoji51]

That’s easy for you to say !!

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hey, big boy! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hey, big boy!", say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "You know, I always thought this religion was a crock of sh*t, but finally, our prayers are answered!"

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

8 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

A popular local dignitary had died and the church was full to overflowing with people who had come to pay their last respects. At the front of the church stood the coffin and just as the funeral service was about to start, an escaped lunatic jumped on top of it and started pulling at the clasp. 
Immediately, one of the family hurried over and urged him to get down. But he refused to move. 
"Look, I'll give you £20 to get off," said the man desperately but still the lunatic refused to move.

Another member of the family came over and offered him £40.

The lunatic shook his head.

A third member came over and shouted, "Here, is £100 take the money." 

"No," said the lunatic confidently. "I'll open the box." 

Some readers might not remember Michael Miles and "Take Your Pick". Some weeks I thought my Dad might have a heart attack with the Yes/No round ...

 

Duh !!



Should have bought one of these !!

Yesterday I was digging in the garden.........

Seems legit !!

No comment !!

Jack, from the neighbouring farm, happened to see his mate Bill gathering in the harvest without any trousers or underwear on. 
"Hey Bill, how come you're out here with no pants on?" 
"Well Jack, it's like this. Last week in that hot sun I was out all afternoon without a shirt on. Bloody hell, I suffered the next day. My neck was as stiff as a plank...

 

so this is my wife's idea." 
 

An old vicar was retiring and selling his horse so he put an ad in the local newspaper. It wasn't long before it was bought by Bob who decided to ride it home. But when he mounted up, the horse wouldn't move. 
"I trained this horse from a little foal," said the vicar. 
"He only moves when you say 'Jesus Christ' and stops when you say 'Amen'." 
Bob thanked the vicar and sure enough when he said 'Jesus Christ', the horse set off. 
On the way home they were caught in a ferocious thunderstorm and the horse bolted when there was a particularly loud crack of thunder. By the time Bob had recovered his wits, the horse was galloping madly through the countryside and it took him a moment or two to remember to say 'Amen'.

Immediately the horse came to a standstill, teetering right on the edge of a deep canyon. 

"Jesus Christ!" was the last words he said. 

 

 

A man walks into a wine bar, sits down at a table and studies the menu.

A couple of minutes later he looks up to see a beautiful waitress standing in front of him. She is so gorgeous that he gasps with pure lust. 
"What would you like?" she asks. 
"A glass of claret and a quickie please," he replies, drooling at the mouth. The waitress is so disgusted she storms off but returns a few minutes later when she has calmed down. 
Again she asks "What would you like?" 
He smiles and says again, "A glass of claret and a quickie please." 
"That's it" she yells, gives him a sharp slap across the face and stomps off. 
The man sits there dumbstruck when suddenly from the next table a fellow customer leans over and whispers;

"I think it's pronounced 'quiche'." 

Her: “ did you give the dog a bath “ ?

Me: “ of course I did dear “

Her: “ where is he now “ ?

Me: “ outside playing in the garden “

Her: “ *£#&%@#£%&£# !!! “

This man goes to immigration..........

Just now, ianezy0 said:

This man goes to immigration..........

and comes out with an overstay.

Thought I hadn’t seen her on the telly for a while !!