Hear hear !!

I’ll just take the better and the richer !!

I went to join a gym to lose some weight.

When I asked the trainer for advice he said “Have you tried skipping?”

Looking around at all the exercise machines. I replied, “Seems a bit low-tech”.

“No!” he shouted, “I meant have you tried skipping a few meals you fat bastard!”

Jokes.docx

The taxi was travelling at over 90 mph through the middle of the town when the male passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder. 
"Heh, what's all the rushing for? Slow down a bit." 
"Sorry, mate, I thought I heard someone shout 'faster, faster',", said the taxi driver. 

"Well, you heard right, but she wasn't talking to you!" came the reply. 
 

Three blokes landed up at their ski resort a day early and discovered their rooms would not be ready until the  following day.

The only accommodation available that night was one room with a large king sized bed. The three men decided they could put up with sharing a bed for one night so they booked in. The next morning the man on the far left said, "I had such a strange night, I dreamt I was w*nking like mad all night, yet it seemed to be happening without me using my hands." 
"Bloody hell," said the man on the far right, I had exactly the same dream, that's really weird. How about you, Johnny? Did you also have that dream?" 

"No, mate," replied Johnny, "I just dreamt I was skiing all night!" 
 

During his holiday in Germany, the man met a high-class prostitute, they had a few drinks and then went back to her place where sex was performed all over the house and in every position possible. The next morning he thanked her profusely for such good German hospitality and headed for the door. 
"Just a moment," she said. "What about the marks?" 

"Oh right," he said. "I'd give you nine out of 10." 

3 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Love the chase, makes me feel oh so superior ????, a question one day was ''the Victorian era took place during the reign of which monarch?''.....''pass'' was the answer ????????????

Love the chase, makes me feel oh so superior [emoji16], a question one day was ''the Victorian era took place during the reign of which monarch?''.....''pass'' was the answer ????[emoji23]????

King Victor ??

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

Some posts in violation of the following have disappeared:

 

8.) You will not post disruptive or inflammatory messages, vulgarities, obscenities or profanities.

I knew it !!

8 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I knew it !!

You're just under-tall for your weight.

Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," the woman replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow! That's a fantastic idea!" he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.
"Good," she replies. "Now, get your own damn blanket!"

A guy calls a law office and says, "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

So true !!

I’m glad this little mystery is finally cleared up !!

3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

So true !!

It also means that you have kept a lid on the whole murder mystery!

PS;  Sorry I couldn't contain myself!

A man is drinking at the bar when a huge ugly woman sits down on the stool beside him.

He ignores her completely and they drink away quietly for over an hour. Suddenly, the woman turns to him and slurs, "If I have another drink, I'm really going to feel it." 
He replies, "To be honest, if I have another drink I probably won't mind if you did!" 

Two men chatting over a pint. 
Bob turns to John and says, "You're looking down in the dumps, what's wrong?" 
"It's the wife, since she's started this high-powered job of hers she's cut our sex down to 3 times a week." 
"You're lucky," remarked Bob. "She's cut me out completely." 

A stranger walked into a Kiwi bar and asked for a pint of beer. 
Now it was a very close-knit community and the locals were always suspicious of outsiders so they elected Jack from the nearby farm to find out who he was. 
Some minutes later after Jack had chatted to the stranger about the weather, etc  he then asked the man what he did. 
"I'm a taxidermist," replied the man, "and I've really enjoyed spending time in these parts. Yesterday I stuffed a prize-winning sheep dog, then I mounted Mrs Smith's goat and today I'm going to have a go at her old pig. and see what her insides are like" 
Jack returned to his mates who were dying to know what had been said. 
"It's alright, chaps," he replied to their questions. "I thought he said he was a taxi driver but in fact he's really a shepherd like us, but just on holiday. from Oz."