4 hours ago, fasteddie said:

But I hope you came quietly.

Every week an old woman would take a bus ride and hand the driver a bag of peanuts as she got on. 

After a year of this, the driver said to her "I appreciate the peanuts, they're very tasty, but I hope you have enough for yourself as well".

"Oh", said the old woman, "since I lost my teeth, I can't eat peanuts any more.  All I can do is suck the chocolate off of them".

A woman goes to a doctor who checks her out and says "you're obese".

"I want a second opinion", says the woman.

"All right.  You're ugly too".

Aliens ? What if they turn out to be just like us.....

If you had to choose one out of these 3 who would you vote for ??

Benny for me every time !!

 

A message for Donald  from Mars......

17 hours ago, fasteddie said:

It would never have stood up in court.

A woman found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vets...

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So, she went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

"I'm not using it under my arms" she said.

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

I went for a routine check-up today.
When I got home my wife asked "Was everything o.k?"
"Yes" I replied "Well, everything seemed o.k. til he stuck his finger up my arse."
She laughed "Well, thats normal procedure at your age."
"So you dont think i should change my dentist then?" I said.

7 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

A woman found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vets...

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So, she went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

"I'm not using it under my arms" she said.

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Works better if you leave out the first reference to the dog breed? As soon as one reads that the joke is almost over. 

The husband and wife were having dinner when she spilled some tomato sauce down the front of her white top.

"Oooh, I look like a pig!" she said.

"Yes, and now you've spilled tomato sauce all over yourself too".

 

 

 

15 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

Works better if you leave out the first reference to the dog breed? As soon as one reads that the joke is almost over. 

The dog was really a Shih Tzu. I was trying to keep it clean ????

My wife came home from a shopping trip with a big smile on her face.

“Why are you looking so pleased?” I asked

“I got complimented on my driving today” she replied “Someone even left a little note on the windscreen”.

I looked at the note … It said “Parking Fine!”

People ask me what my wife does for a living.

It's really hard to say.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

 

 

“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’”

Jimmy Carr

 

“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.”

Billy Connolly

 

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.”

Frankie Boyle

 

“One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.”

Billy Connolly

 

“What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.”

David Ephgrave

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

 

I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

People keep on telling me that I'm not cut out to be a mime artist.

 

Was it something I said?

“I’m dating an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.”

 

Thought this looked worth checking out !!






Well disappointed ☹️