2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

For sale:
DeLorean DMC-12.
No time wasters.

Can I come back last week to reveiw it?

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

News for DIY fans
Jack Black & Carol Decker are opening a tool shop together,
it's going to be called Jack & Carol's tool shop.

Is there a drill for them to chuck in a bit on the side to help with the screwing?

For those thinking ahead.

 

18 minutes ago, fangless said:

Can I come back last week to reveiw it?

Depends what day. I've got HG Wells coming over last Tuesday.

An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall. On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter) and later, as he’s about to go out, she asks him was it all to his liking.

 

“Aye,” he says, “it was vera lovely indeed. But I do usually have a wee bit more bread with ma breakfast in a morning.”

 

The proprietor considers herself a professional host and is a little stung by the criticism so the following day she provides the same breakfast again but this time with four slices of bread and butter.

 

Again, she approaches him with a smile after he’s eaten and asks how the meal was received.

 

“Aye,” he says, “it was vera nice, vera nice. But I do usually have a wee bit more bread with ma breakfast in a morning.”

 

As the week wears on, the proprietor loads the man’s plate with more and more bread until finally, frustrated with his daily gentle criticism, she goes to the baker for an unsliced loaf. She cuts it lengthways right down the middle, waps a thick spread of butter over each half and balances it ludicrously on the edge of his breakfast plate.

 

Grinning, she approaches the man after breakfast and asks

”and how was your breakfast today?”

 

The man nods amiably and says

”Aye, it was truly lovely. But I see we’re back tae two slices of bread again…

A student is taking an exam from anatomy. The professor points at a skeleton and says:

 

- Can you tell me if this is a male or a female skeleton?

 

The student is hesitant and after a moment replies pointing at the front of the hips:

 

- I suppose there was a penis here.

 

The professor responds:

- I suppose not one, but many.

A guy went to parachute school. Learned everything he would need to know about parachuting.

Graduation day rolls around and he steps to the door to do his jump. He steps out into the cold air and falls.

He pulls the cord for his primary chute. Nothing happens. He pulls the secondary cord, still nothing happens.

As he is falling he meets a guy going up.

He screams: “Hey. Do you know anything about parachutes?”

The guy says: “No. Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Depends what day. I've got HG Wells coming over last Tuesday.

Assuming you get to see through him in the red room that is. Although with the shape of things to come you might need the help of the good Doctor Moreau!

 

 

 

Found it..

In a field of cows which one’s on holiday? The one with the wee calf.

Ninety nine out of every 100 alcoholics have fallen over drunk at some time...

... what a staggering statistic.

Did you hear about the silk worm race?

It ended in a tie.

 I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off

Q. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?

 

A. Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

 

 

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

 

It was such a nice jester.

I got fired from my job at the bank.

 

A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.