If you want to keep a blonde busy just sit her in front of a mirror and tell her to play rock, paper scissors till someone wins!
 

Who doesn’t like a blonde joke?
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. 
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,OOO. 
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. 
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. 
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. 
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a S250.000 Rolls as collateral against a S5,000 loan. 
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. 
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,OOO and the interest, which comes to $15.41. 
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” 
The blond replied

"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;

 If you were any more stupid, you’d have to be watered twice a week. 
 

Chat-up line; Do you happen to have a Band-Aid? 
I just scraped my knee falling for you.
 

I quit my job at the helium plant when my boss called me into his office.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

I don't mind admitting that I'm a rather lazy person.  
I'm so lazy, that I

I went to join the local debating society,
but they talked me out of it.

I just read a good book on a legendary ladyboy who had a speech impediment.
It was called "Man or myth?"

I went to a psychiatrist and he told me I have a preoccupation with vengence.
Huh! We'll see about that.

I've been going out with my current girlfriend for, um, let's see now...
Oh, that's it.  Sex.

My wife and I decided that we don't want children.
If anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

People call me a hypochondriac.
That really hurts!

I failed maths at school more times than I can count.

 

I hired a local electrician.

But when I found out how bad he is, I was shocked.

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP.

The first time I saw a universal remote control on sale, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I quit my job at the helium plant when my boss called me into his office.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

What a Noble stance to take!

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP.

Did you stick around for the ripoff's  send off,

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I hired a local electrician.

But when I found out how bad he is, I was shocked.

You might have unearthed some more sources if you had found someone in your circuit who could have plugged some more outlets to get you a more neutral input without being such a live wire!

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

The first time I saw a universal remote control on sale, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’

I don't want to press you too hard but maybe it is time for you to re-channel your entertainment inputs before you get lost and cast aside!

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

People call me a hypochondriac.
That really hurts!

Don't you really get sick of all these hurtful thoughts- or is it it vice versa?

A chinese was on a train. Sitting opposite him was a jewish american.

Efter conversing for a while, the Jewish guy slapped the Chinese on the face.

The Chinese surprised asked ‘’what's that for’’.

The Jewish answered’’ that's for the Americans who died in pearl harbour, when you guys attacked us’’. ‘

’But that was the Japanese ‘’ the Chinese defended himself.

‘’Well, Japanese, Chinese who can tell the differences’’ said the Jews.

The Chinese promptly stood up and slapped the Jews on the face. The Jews shocked asked ‘’what's that for’’

‘’ That's for sinking the titanic’, said the Chinese.

‘’but that was en iceberg’’ the Jews said.

The Chinese replied’’ iceberg, Goldberg, who can tell the differences’’.

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"