Chat-up Line:- I’m afraid of the dark. Could you sleep with me tonight
 

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;

You do realize, although I doubt it, that you are depriving a village somewhere of its perfectly good working idiot and that I would not trust you to sit the right way round on a lavatory seat. 

There have to be some people who will enjoy this.

 

Here is something to regurgitate on, just don't make a meal of it!

 

 

French police say they are searching around the clock for terror suspects.
I think they should look behind the sofa as well.

I've just seen Two Police Officers lying next to a seesaw.
They must have been Tipped off.

The Butchers have a sign in the window "Turkey £29"
I wonder how he gets you there?  That's way cheaper than the airlines advertise it.

Two salesmen were going door to door when they knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.
She told them that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, bounced back open.
She tried again and again convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door.
She reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson when one of them said:
"Madam, before you do that again, you might need to move your cat."

The police rang me today to say they've recovered my stolen sofa.
Which I thought was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit scruffy.

At a recent job interview:
"What's your name?"
"Dave ******* ******* Smith"
"Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave"
"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."

I've just got first place in the national bull<deleted>ting competition.
Well, I actually came 12th.
To be honest, there wasn't even a competition.

I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read: 'One day this could be you.'
So I put my pound back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

A bloke took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks" the bloke replied

Spoke to my Son last night about him treating the house like a hotel.
I thought it went ok, but now there's a <deleted> review on trip advisor.

The world is $400 trillion in debt.
Which planet do we owe it to ?

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are standing.

.Stowaway in boy band not discovered until first publicity photo shoot.