What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? -

Sleep somewhere else. 
 

A woman on vacation in Scotland
...is at a pub when a man walks in in a kilt.

She's on vacation, and she's been drinking so she's brave enough to ask the question that's been on her, and everyone else's mind!

"Excuse me sir, but what do you guys wear underneath your kilts?"

"Ayy lass, go'on an 'ave a look for yourself cause theres is nothin ataw worn under the kilt".

She lifts his kilt and replies in disgusted shock, "Oh! It's gruesome!"

The Scot replies,

"If you 'ave another wee look and stroke it you'll it find it's grew sum mare!"

Three men are sitting together bragging about the duties they have assigned to their new wives.

The first man has married a woman from Wales and boasts that he told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and cleaning in their house. He says that, certainly, it took a couple of days to get her on track, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, with the dishes all washed and put away.

The second man has married a woman from Thailand. He brags that he gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He tells them that while on the first day he didn’t see any results, the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and a huge dinner was on the table.

The third man has married an Australian girl. He boasts he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal, as well as be available for sex whenever he wanted, not to mention always having a fresh beer on hand for him whenever he clicked his fingers.

He says the first day he didn’t see anything at all, the second day he saw practically nothing, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
 

A ninety-eight-year-old mother superior from Ireland is dying and is clearly only hours away from shuffling off this mortal coil.
In the dead of night, the weeping nuns gather around her bed, trying to make her last journey comfortable. They give her some warm milk to drink, but she refuses it.

Then, one of the younger nuns, Sister Mary, takes the glass back to the kitchen and, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they received as a gift the previous Christmas, opens it and pours a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, the glass is put up to the old nun’s mouth. With trembling lips, she drinks a little, then a little more, and before they know it she has finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

Delighted at her small recovery, the nuns hover close and now take their opportunity.

‘Blessed Mother Superior,’ the nuns ask earnestly, ‘please give us some wisdom before you die.’
Mother Superior raises herself up in bed and, with a pious look on her face, says,

 

‘Don’t sell that cow.’
 

 A farmer was helping one of his cows to give birth when he noticed his young son watching wide-eyed from behind the barn door.

‘Oh dear,’ thought the farmer, ‘I’m going to have to explain the birds and bees to him.’ 
 So when he had finished, he asked the boy:

‘Well, have you got any questions about what you've just seen?’ 
 ‘Just one,’ gasped the boy.

 

‘How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?’ 

Just before I was rushed to hospital one day I spied what I thought was a wonderful old gal sitting on her front step, so I walk up to her and said,

‘I can’t help noticing how happy you look despite the obvious long and hard working life you must have led. What is your secret for such a long, happy life?’
‘I smoke thirty untipped rollups a day,’ she says. ‘Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint and again first thing in the morning.

All my life, I’ve eaten only junk food and I put away at least a litre of Jack Daniel’s every week. On weekends, I pop pills and never do any exercise at all expect what I get in bed from my customers.’
Completely, absolutely amazing, I think, and ask, ‘Just how old are you?’

‘Twenty-four,’ I seem to remember she replied before I was knocked out!