The baaad Christmas jokes thread - old, new, recycled we don't care, they just have to be bad!

[Crossy]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[Crossy]

[scottiejohn]

What did the witch write in her Christmas card? 
Best vicious of the season. 

 

For our next Christmas dinner I'm going to cross a turkey with an octopus. 
What on earth for? 
So we can all have a leg each. 

 

At Christmas the school went to a special service in church. The teacher asked if they had enjoyed it, and if they had behaved themselves.

"Oh yes, ma'am," said Brenda.

"A lady came round and offered us a plate full of money, but we all said no thank you." 

 

Two teachers were reminiscing about their deprived childhood.

"I lived in a tough neighborhood," said the first.

"People were afraid to walk the streets after dark."

"That's nothing," said the other, "Whenever I hung my Christmas stocking up by the fireplace, Santa Claus stole it." 

 

A child one Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval.

The manger, the shepherds, Jesus, and the Holy Family were duly admired. "But what's that in the corner?" asked mother.

"Oh, that's their TV," replied the child. 

 

Alfie had been listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."

"That's nice of you Alfie,"

she said, "why?"

"Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!" 

[chickenslegs]

Couple have been living together for 5 years.

He: What do you want for Christmas?

She: A dragon.

He: Come on, be realistic.

She: OK, I want us to get married.

He: What colour dragon do you want?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Quote

 

[scottiejohn]

 

[Crossy]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

Just how baaad do you want?

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Q. What is the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Ans. Your teeth !
Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
Ans. It's Christmas, Eve !
Q. What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month 
Ans. The letter "D" !
 Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ans. Ice caps!
Q. How can a snowman lose weight?
Ans. He waits until it gets warmer!
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ans. Snowflakes.
Q. What goes red white red white red white?
Ans. Father Christmas rolling down a hill!
Q. What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Ans. Santapplause!
Q. What is Father Christmas' wife called ?
Ans. Mary Christmas!
Q. What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn't move?
Ans. Santa Pause!
 Q. What king is the children's favorite at Christmas time?
Ans. A stocking!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

15 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Just how baaad do you want?

 

You are getting sheepish ewe know and now you are giving me the hump!

????

 

[Crossy]

3 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

You are getting sheepish ewe know and now you are giving me the hump!

????

Baaaa humbug!!

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, Crossy said:

Baaaa humbug!!

What the "Dickens" are you on about sweetie? 

I will need to chew over my next response!

[scottiejohn]

YOU SAID YOU WANTED THEM BAAAD

 

What happens to elves when they behave naughty? Santa gives them the sack.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
What is a snowman's favorite breakfast? Ice Crispies.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no-body to go with.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy!
What says 'Oh Oh Oh'? Santa walking backwards!
What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.
What do zombies eat with their Christmas dinner? Grave-y.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?
What's the best Christmas Present? A broken drum - you can't beat it.
Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho, ho, ho.
 

[scottiejohn]

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood.

He asked the prisoner who was in the dock,

'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied,

'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the magistrate.

'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

 

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

 

[scottiejohn]

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) of the hotel.

As the lift traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a Bht500 note lying on the lift's floor.

Which one picked up the Bht500 note, and handed it in at reception?

 

Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

[faraday]

42 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

What the "Dickens" are you on about sweetie? 

I will need to chew over my next response!

Not a Crimbo joke, but the mention of Dickens reminded me of this one.

 

 

A chap in the library sees a young girl looking at all the great classics.
So he says to her "do you like Dickens "
She says " I don't know, I've never been to one "

[Jonah Tenner]