Is my marriage in trouble if the in-laws don’t like me?

[UncleMhee]

3 hours ago, LukKrueng said:

18 hours ago, London1boy said:

like those young girls gang raped by the school teachers

Can you provide some links to stories of young girls gang rapped by teachers in Thailand? 

Google "teachers and alumni rape students"...... you'll get the full grisly details from the major Thai newspaper. It occurred in Mukdahan....and been on the news for the last week.

As I understand it we are not at liberty to post links to the broadsheet; hence my response in this format.

 

Edited May 18, 2020 by UncleMhee

[fredwiggy]

5 minutes ago, unblocktheplanet said:

Old boy, look: When you marry the girl, you marry her parents. This is nowhere more true than here.

 

I see I may be the lone voice here expressing the opinions below.

 

I am a naturist: in this hot climate, I haven’t worn clothes at home for 30 years. My wife’s parents found that odd at first but I use a pakomah to walk around. My shower is outdoors under the banana trees; this also became normal once they got to know me and my father-in-law has his shower out there now, too.

 

BritManToo’s statement, that “Thai people are used to lots more nudity” is rubbish. Thais are modest to a fault, often bathing in pathung or swimming with their clothes on! Privacy and personal boundaries are different here. But families adjust to one another. The cultural barriers for a country girl to get up on that go-go stage are huge: it only happens due to poverty.

 

I don’t see anything sketchy with a back massage in undershorts from a granddaughter. It wasn’t so clear but I presume your daughter was asked to massage Khun Yai’s nipples. Well, I never heard of that before but it doesn’t sound fishy to me at all. Perhaps it’s a cultural or family tradition.

 

We tend to look at all social interactions in terms of our own sexuality. We fathers are esp protective of daughters. (I told my own as a teenager, it was fine for her to have a boyfriend but he had to make a choice: Wood or Aluminum!)

 

We’ve all read horror stories. To be paranoid they’ll happen to your kid is folly. Don’t be a scared cat and make her one, too. Teach her properly, make sure she wears her consciousness like a cloak, and make sure she trusts her parents enough to openly talk to you…about anything.

 

If any situation concerns you, always make sure you or your wife is present and have an open-door policy made clear to the in-laws.

 

If you want to stay married & be a dad, you’ll have to suck it up & be not only kriengjai but loving to your in-laws. (In fairness, you should be the same to your own parents and should expect the same of your daughter.)

 

Your wife will always choose her parents but that doesn’t mean she loves you any less.

 

My in-laws choose my word and opinion over my wife’s. They love me dearly & show it. They live five hours away & just show up to stay with no warning. Isn’t that what family is all about?

 

Of course, I sometimes freak out. But I also find that they fill our home with love even though they sometimes stay too long.

 

Charlie, I’m not being critical of your parenting. I believe your attitude has been culturally warped along the way and shaped by news media. Try to be a bit more open, accepting and loving of your in-laws and it will be returned to you a hundredfold. Show your gratitude to them for your wife and make sure they can see how much you all love each other. You’re not in Kansas anymore; no mother-in-law jokes!

 

Just because you pay the bills, does not make you the boss, anywhere! Take my advice and always be grua mia. That's the secret to a happy marriage. She let's you think you're calling the shots.

 

Wishing you a long and contented marriage and happy family!

 

BTW, in Vancouver we have seven miles of nude beach. Of course, we took our daughter (aged 13) & her friends there in summer! Bodies should be normal not just sexualised…

Agree with a lot you say, although nudity isn't my thing, especially around my own kids. The body shouldn't be looked at as a dirty thing,but morality is first. As far as being the boss,I'm a Christian, and God says the man is in charge of the family, and that's how it should be, although I'm not a chauvinist and let my wife do whatever she sees fit. Thailand is a feminine culture,and women here are more vocal,unlike America where I'm from. Some men take it overboard,"my way or the highway" thinking, and that's control. You can be the leader and your wife the follower to some extent, as long as she isn't treated like a slave. We still don't know the grandparents intentions,but safety for the child is first,so limits have to be set. A daughter massaging grandpas back is harmless,as long as that's how HE is thinking. Once a child is compromised, there's no going back,so you have to be firm in what you say the limits are, and they must understand. Whether they think it's innocent or not is moot, it's what the real intentions are. Respecting any in laws is imperative if you want peace, but it goes both ways. Some here look at us as money, period. If you're fine with that,ok. But they can take advantage of kindness here and run rampant with it. Just like with your daughter, you set boundaries and stick with them. I'd do most anything for my Mom here, and she knows it. I help more at the farm than her own sons, but that's another story a lot understand. But when I tell my wife we can't afford it to giver her money sometimes, she understands, and so does Mom. When in Rome,.................   Some have things they do in other countries that do not belong here, period.

[scorecard]

17 hours ago, Sheryl said:

Is it possible to get your wife to go into counseling with you?

 

Certainly you have to protect your daughter from this behavior but it would be best, if at all possible, to save the marriage.

 

It will boil down to your wife understanding this is wrong and finding it in herself to assert.  Which may be complex if she suffered abuse herself as a child.

For my Thai son's in-laws Sheryl's last paragraph is very meaningful.

 

Son's Thai wife has many brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins.

 

Together they are a totally dysfunctional large family, many young children and mid/older teenagers, 99% of who get continuously passed around the adults, and all of them missing months of school/changes of school regularly, no monitoring of homework or what they do at/after school etc.

 

My son, who has some clout because of his occupation and education status made it clear that his kids will live with him and his life until they adults etc., and that nobody was allowed to touch* them or take them anywhere. (*several suggestions in the past of fondling etc.)

 

All came to a head when they all visited son's MIL's farm in upper central Thailand about 2 years back. Every time they visited the farm my son monitored his kids every minute to ensure they were safe etc., but suddenly he couldn't find his 7 year old daughter.

 

He quickly asked around, nobody knew where she was they son picked up some comments that suggested she had been taken away in rear of a pick up owned by a much older aunty.

 

Son called the aunty (a spinster) who admitted she had taken his daughter because she wanted a little girl.

 

Son told her 'come back immediately, not here within 1 hour or so and he would call the police'. She did return with the girl.

 

All of the gathered adults had heard the phone call and attached my son 'your not fair, aunty has no kids, she's lonely and she wants a daughter, why can't you give her 1 kid'.

 

 

 

 

[darrendsd]

16 hours ago, BritManToo said:

My Mil came a stayed too long once.

I didn't pay my wife her monthly wage as a punishment.

Mil never stayed too long again.

 

Alternate punishment would be go on holiday with the kid while the Mil is staying, leave all household bills unpaid. Let the two of them live happily together, paying for everything themselves.

 

Thai people are used to lots more nudity and lack of privacy and personal barriers in their homes, but this is your home and as the man paying for everything you have the right to impose any rules you like. Your wife has no say, her family have no say. This is not a culture where men bow to their wives.

You pay someone a monthly wage to be your wife? 

And you are trying to advise someone what to do?

 

 

[mistral53]

I just don't get it - farangs are called foreigners for a reason, we are not locals, we are guests in this country.

 

Thailand has their own rules and laws and moral codes, and if the farnags that move here cant accept that, tough si$t. Move somewhere where they do things the way you are used to, but don't run around Thailand all the time telling them to live the way you want them to live, Thais are also not coming to to Western countries and tell us how we should live. Asia is different then Europe, and they all should do what they want - its their place!

 

 

Edited May 18, 2020 by mistral53

[Pedrogaz]

Sadly my friend, there is nothing you can do. You can give them everything you've got and they will still ask for more and will never, ever be grateful to you (or to your wife).

Personally I would prepare to move out, find yourself a cheap flat and don't tell your wife where it is, get all the money in bank accounts and the like, put it into cash and open a new account she knows nothing about or just keep it as cash, locate and take any gold or jewellery you have bought for her and take it. Then have a talk to her....tell her, it is either me or your parents. If she says her parents, then walk out taking the car, bike or whatever. If the car still has payments on it, leave it with her. Then pay her absolutely nothing at all. Hard on her, yes, but she will survive and maybe benefit from the lesson.

If you are seriously concerned about the child, go to the police station and report abuse by the grandparents...then take her with you.

[NoshowJones]

9 minutes ago, mistral53 said:

I just don't get it - farangs are called foreigners for a reason, we are not locals, we are guests in this country.

 

Thailand has their own rules and laws and moral codes, and if the farnags that move here cant accept that, tough si$t. Move somewhere where they do things the way you are used to, but don't run around Thailand all the time telling them to live the way you want them to live, Thais are also not coming to to Western countries and tell us how we should live. Asia is different then Europe, and they all should do what they want - its their place!

 

 

Why do so many people think we are guests in this country? Don't they realise the way that tourists and retirees are treated by this Thai government?

[fredwiggy]

9 minutes ago, mistral53 said:

I just don't get it - farangs are called foreigners for a reason, we are not locals, we are guests in this country.

 

Thailand has their own rules and laws and moral codes, and if the farnags that move here cant accept that, tough si$t. Move somewhere where they do things the way you are used to, but don't run around Thailand all the time telling them to live the way you want them to live, Thais are also not coming to to Western countries and tell us how we should live. Asia is different then Europe, and they all should do what they want - its their place!

 

 

Who would leave without his child, especially if the girl is in possible danger? (Responding to Pedrogaz)   Not a man nor a father. You can't just take the child, especially here. You need the courts, who are likely to rule in favor of the wife.    And to Mistral53---And I don't care what moral codes you might be referring to, but doing anything with a child that is considered immoral is wrong, and needs to be stopped,and or punished. If anyone from any country touched my daughter, they would know there is a God, because they would meet him. It isn't telling Thai's how to live, it's enforcing rules that are worldwide. Yes, when you're in another country, you fit in, but there's a difference between customs and child molestation.

Edited May 18, 2020 by fredwiggy

[natway09]

The lack of opening up & talking about it just may be a big part of your wife's  problem in that 

she was subjected to this treatment as a kid herself & has locked it away.

Having lived, worked here for 3 decades I have learned someting though, often to my peril,

that "Blood is thicker than water"

[BritManToo]

1 hour ago, darrendsd said:

You pay someone a monthly wage to be your wife? 

And you are trying to advise someone what to do?

How else would I get a lady 1/2 my age in my bed?

Seems normal in Thailand, was also normal in the Uk (only we didn't call it a wage, just a gold card on my account).

[hexagonthai]

I think your acting like an ogre, your in a country with different culture and especially one where families are closely attached, you cannot try come in between your wife and her parents that's a guarantee you will loss, it's you who need to compromise not your wife, you already turned a marrage into a disaster by shouting at her parents and I don't blame them, is no wonder they don't accept you and especially now you have shown your true self as a typical loud foreigner this behaviour gives others a bad reputation.

 

Been here 40 years it's case you learn and understand, what's not normal to a farang is normal here, so get used to it, instead when you keep the mentality of a loud complaining farang and not willing to compromise your your mind, you will never be liked, I don't see your daughter in any problem from your wife's family's, to me I see nothing to complain about, your wives parents love your daughter only they have different village style to show it, much different from that in your home country.

 

I predict if you cannot manage your marriage much longer and it will collapse, by complaining her parents in front of her you have belittled yourself in her eyes it's obvious you cannot live in your farang world to survive in this country, this is another world and very great country when you can accept the cultural differences and especially understand the people. If you cannot accept then you are free to return your own country.

 

Many farangs have mentality of superiority and show it!, If  to survive in a new culture especially here families are culturally close, you need understand you are not a superior being coming to the rescue, you are only a somebody from another country, it's up to you to fit in and only then people will accept and welcome you into their lives.

 

 

[khunPer]

18 hours ago, BritManToo said:

Thai people are used to lots more nudity and lack of privacy and personal barriers in their homes...

I agree with privacy – that's both what I hear, and read, and experience myself – but about "nudity" I have the completely opposite impression and experience; however it might depend of area/province, there might be differences, like with so much other.

 

In the Western part of the world I originates from nudity in family is not unusual, but often limited to between parents and children, like nudity in private is a natural thing, and not to be ashamed of. I agree with that. Some goes a bit further like nude swimming on beaches – not just topless, which are, or has been, normal many places – often in dedicated areas, but also in public, however it seems like it was more common before, than now.

 

An extremely sad situation for OP. Even I try to understand, and accept, the cultural gap, I think that I wouldn't be able to accept a situation like this myself – I also have a luk khrueng (half Thai) daughter – however, I cannot think of any better solution than those already mentioned.

Edited May 18, 2020 by khunPer

[fredwiggy]

Just now, hexagonthai said:

I think your acting like an ogre, your in a country with different culture and especially one where families are closely attached, you cannot try come in between your wife and her parents that's a guarantee you will loss, it's you who need to compromise not your wife, you already turned a marrage into a disaster by shouting at her parents and I don't blame them, is no wonder they don't accept you and especially now you have shown your true self as a typical loud foreigner this behaviour gives others a bad reputation.

 

Been here 40 years it's case you learn and understand, what's not normal to a farang is normal here, so get used to it, instead when you keep the mentality of a loud complaining farang and not willing to compromise your your mind, you will never be liked, I don't see your daughter in any problem from your wife's family's, to me I see nothing to complain about, your wives parents love your daughter only they have different village style to show it, much different from that in your home country.

 

I predict if you cannot manage your marriage much longer and it will collapse, by complaining her parents in front of her you have belittled yourself in her eyes it's obvious you cannot live in your farang world to survive in this country, this is another world and very great country when you can accept the cultural differences and especially understand the people. If you cannot accept then you are free to return your own country.

 

Many farangs have mentality of superiority and show it!, If  to survive in a new culture especially here families are culturally close, you need understand you are not a superior being coming to the rescue, you are only a somebody from another country, it's up to you to fit in and only then people will accept and welcome you into their lives.

 

 

True, BUT, if the grandparents ARE doing immoral things, he wasn't out of line getting angry. Not knowing they are doing immoral things and blowing up is a no-no, especially here, so that's true. My wife and I have gotten into arguments, and she gets louder than I ever will, yet I know it was wrong to go off, especially if others can hear you. They know their daughter can be a hot head, but they don't want their son in law to be anything but a good guy to her and them.

[Bob A Kneale]

3 hours ago, Lacessit said:

Who supports your daughter and wife, you or the parents? Make it clear to your wife the ATM will be closed until her parents learn their place.

He's already said that his wife owns and runs a business, maybe she supports the family?

 

"Incredibly hard to talk to unless it has something to do with our business that she owns/runs". 

Edited May 18, 2020 by Bob A Kneale

[keithkarmann]

18 hours ago, charliechoc said:

Thanks for all the replies. It never occurred to me that she could have been subjected to similar things as a child- until I read the replies here. 

 

Ive lost a lot of sleep over this and now feel ok. I would be up for counseling but think the wife is not. Actually she is very hard to talk to in general. Never opens up to me. She's not an emotional person. Incredibly hard to talk to unless it has something to do with our business that she owns/runs. 

I once dragged an Americsn guy out of a bar and beat the <deleted> out of him for swearing in front of my Thai wife. God only knows what I would do if I found my Thai father in law dressed inapropiately with my 3 year old Thai daughter. I did get rid of my wife's Thai aunty recently by getting very angry with her for her visits to our house during the lockdown. Sorry for gettimg slightly off topic but I can understand your predicament but a lot of Thais think this sort of behavior is normal and ok, maybe it was in medievil times but not in the 21st century. But how many Thai fathers and mothers turn a blind eye to their daughters selling their bodies in bars so long as their daughters send them money while they lay in their hammoks.

[Bob A Kneale]

12 minutes ago, keithkarmann said:

I once dragged an Americsn guy out of a bar and beat the <deleted> out of him for swearing in front of my Thai wife.

You were in a bar and didn't approve of the way another customer spoke?  Good grief, you're a bit touchy, aren't you?  

[SOTIRIOS]

.sorry to say....many are...from the get go...we just don't realize it...

 

...unless you have 'real clout' and safeguards in place....you are bound to suffer continued disappointments...to say the least...

 

...that 'slight change' in her behavior.....means she has made a calculation and decision....

 

...generally, she will have gotten informed about the ins and outs of all possible scenarios....before you got married...

 

...and of course she has a support network....and all social constructs...to her benefit and advantage...

 

...while you were dreaming of marital bliss...

 

 

...good luck...

 

[LeoCesar]

22 hours ago, batata said:

is not good to live nearby the in laws (speaking by experience) you married your wife, not the in laws, better have some distance and only mix when it's really necessary

True that!

[LeoCesar]

20 hours ago, Shocked said:

Take your daughter out of the country and file for divorce. 

and take your wife with too, if you still love her.

Save your family from these sick in-laws!

[Lacessit]

1 hour ago, Bob A Kneale said:

He's already said that his wife owns and runs a business, maybe she supports the family?

 

"Incredibly hard to talk to unless it has something to do with our business that she owns/runs". 

Valid point, although the earnings of many Thai businesses are modest in comparison even to a Western pension.

The flavor I get from the OP is that his wife has sided with the grandparents.

My GF is extremely protective of her granddaughter ( 15 yo ) to the point where I can't watch any video with a sex scene in it if the GD is around. I'm comfortable with that restriction, the grandparents' behavior sounds quite iffy to me.

[Vigilante]

Chances of thai in-laws liking a farang s-i-l are next to nothing.

Esp if they are old f@rts (the parents that is)

It's not that they are disliking you for lack of character

They can't wrap their minds around the fact that other races/nationalities exist

You might as well be an alien

[darrendsd]

3 hours ago, BritManToo said:

How else would I get a lady 1/2 my age in my bed?

Seems normal in Thailand, was also normal in the Uk (only we didn't call it a wage, just a gold card on my account).

So you have pretty much paid for it all your life?

[BritManToo]

26 minutes ago, darrendsd said:

So you have pretty much paid for it all your life?

I got a couple of free ones when I was 17-19.

Does paying $500 for a meal for two then banging her after count as free?

[fittobethaied]

The Word of God has the answer to any problem you could ever have. I would personally apply Matthew 18:15-17. This is God's remedy for conflict in any relationship and will work not only for the Christian, but it will work for those who are not Christians. The idea is to be reconciled with anyone who has sinned against you, but if they will not be reconciled then the idea is to discontinue fellowship with them indefinitely until they experience remorse and repent. Just because they are your in-laws doesn't mean they are exempt from being disciplined because of their sin. Don't sugar coat it....what they are doing is absolutely sin against you, your daughter, your wife and God. Put them out of fellowship if necessary and wait for them to repent. If they don't then turn around, shake the dust from your shoes and walk away from them. If you have the Word of God you don't need a psychologist or a psychiatrist. 

Matthew Chapter 18:

¹⁵ “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ¹⁶ But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’^{[d] 17} If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Edited May 19, 2020 by fittobethaied

[fredwiggy]

Just now, fittobethaied said:

The Word of God has the answer to any problem you could ever have. I would personally apply Matthew 18:15-17. This is God's remedy for conflict in any relationship and will work not only for the Christian, but it will work for those who are not Christians. The idea is to be reconciled with anyone who has sinned against you, but if they will not be reconciled then the idea is to discontinue fellowship with them indefinitely until they experience remorse and repent. Just because they are your in-laws doesn't mean they are exempt from being disciplined because of their sin. Don't sugar coat it....what they are doing is absolutely sin against you, your daughter, your wife and God. Put them out of fellowship if necessary and wait for them to repent. If they don't then turn around, shake the dust from your shoes and walk away from them. If you have the Word of God you don't need a psychologist or a psychiatrist. 

Matthew Chapter 18:

¹⁵ “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ¹⁶ But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’^{[d] 17} If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

That can work in America or other countries, but not here. The parents come first, no matter their sins.

[Skallywag]

On 5/17/2020 at 5:02 PM, charliechoc said:

I have no one to talk about this and suppose that’s one of the reasons I’m posting this message.

You are living in thailand with a wife and child, yet have no other friends to talk with?  That is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness in any country

[fredwiggy]

Just now, Skallywag said:

You are living in thailand with a wife and child, yet have no other friends to talk with?  That is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness in any country

That's why he's here, for our help. Like the other post here, some falangs don't associate with others, so making friends is not the same as your own country.

[Relocated]

I salute to all farangs flying in time machine to backward in time and going through Indiana Jones like adventures. 

It won't be easy for most unless anyone has religious conviction to experience the comparatively past in time.

I have no such courage.    

[otherstuff1957]

36 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Treat them like a tax collector!! ???? 

 

Isn't that a bit too harsh?

[BritManToo]

28 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

That's why he's here, for our help. Like the other post here, some falangs don't associate with others, so making friends is not the same as your own country.

This farang doesn't associate with other farangs in his home county either.

I got tired of watching my friends die (starting dying at age 40), easier not to have any friends.

The internet is so much easier, when people suddenly stop posting, I can just assume they were banned.