Just braved a few days with the Mrs family

[Kenny202]

Mrs brother and wife just came to visit for a few days. Nice enough people but as usual an odd experience sharing your home with people you have zero in common with.  I think they are actually scared of me. And you never seem to be included in anything really and no one seems to want to make you feel included like you would expect your family to say make your Thai wife feel included back home.

 

Mrs doesn't seem to make much of an effort with them. I cook my own food but they always order food, rarely cook. Like cooking is beneath them. And when it arrives its every man for themselves so I usually feel uncomfortable like should be taking care of the guests. Mind you muggins pays for it all of course.

They can't speak English at all and don't understand my attempts at Thai (no ones fault really). I am the chauffer as well running everyone around, keeping them entertained.

The strangest thing I find hard to come to grips with is there is never a thank you? Not even an acknowledgement lol. More like a quiet entitledness like it was expected I would pay all along, and maybe I could do a bit better next time. Like I have been here sometime now and I know it seems to be the norm with Thai / farang relationships here in Isaan. But I don't think I will ever get really used to it. Was only thinking before....if a Thai went to Australia, and their spouse told them ok we are having family over this weekend and you are expected to pay the bill and taxi them around at will etc. I am telling them all to make no effort to converse with you or include you, in fact sit in the corner and be as transparent as possible....until the cheque comes. I am guessing that would be a different story. It's only funny until it happens to you lol. I am harked back more and more lately to something a long time expat told me when I first came here. the sooner you accept we have absolutely zero in common with them, the easier it is to live here  

[Doctor Tom]

I used to visit them once every two years, they would do  the same to me.  The trips lasted 3 days and then we parted, the best of vague friends. Fortunately, one of the few positives regarding Covid is that we have politely avoided each other for the past 2 years and have no plans to meet again any time soon.  I have said that they can come back to see us if they are triple vaccinated,  knowing full well that they will not bother with a third shot. 

[ThaIrish Sean]

I don't have the same problem. My Thai family try to learn a little bit of English just as I try to learn a little bit of Thai.

I do pay for meals if we go out and I buy the whiskey but I always get a thank you and a wai.....not a why ????

Edited January 2, 2022 by ThaIrish Sean

[KannikaP]

2 minutes ago, ThaIrish Sean said:

I don't have the same problem. My Thai family try to learn a little bit of English just as I try to learn a little bit of Thai.

I do pay for meals if we go out and I buy the whisky but I always get a thank you and a wai.....not a why ????

Mine is the same. Yesterday Mrs & daughter went out and bought 4kg of pork for a BBQ because there were 10 people involved! Plus loads of salad stuff and a 500Bht bucket of KFC for the kids. I asked if there was enough food! It all got consumed.

Offered a bottle of (home made ) wine which was accepted. Visiting members of the family made a point of saying bye bye this morning, especially the ones who had done a LFTest before coming.. Am I lucky or what?

[1FinickyOne]

48 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

I find hard to come to grips with is there is never a thank you?

It is not part of the culture - like shaking hands - they just don't do it... just like you don't say 'zipidee doo dah' at the appropriate time. 

 

The thank you is assumed, especially amongst family. 

[kimamey]

13 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

It is not part of the culture - like shaking hands - they just don't do it... just like you don't say 'zipidee doo dah' at the appropriate time. 

 

The thank you is assumed, especially amongst family. 

I always get a thank you from my family in fact sometimes too much. I often tend to pay if we go out to eat and I have paid for hotel rooms sometimes but it's because I've offered and usually after I've checked with my wife. I've never got the impression it was expected of me in fact in the case of my wife's sister and husband who did some building work I absolutely insisted they take the money I was offering despite their protests. A few years ago when my wife's brother arranged the cutting of the rice in our field my wife thought 300THB a day was fine. I didn't and told her to pay him more pointing out he was family so were going to pay him properly. My only problem has been, in particular with paying for a hotel room for my wife's sister, husband and son was could it be seen as charity and may be insulting.

 

When we got married we bought her mother a gold chain, I can't remember how much it cost. If we gave any money it was returned to us.

 

 

[Guest Isaanlife]

I learned enough Isaan to converse with my wife's rather large family.

 

I joyfully pay for everything because I know they can't and they are my family now too.

 

Get along great, that is what a real family is suppose to do.

 

Lots of support, feel very safe and enjoy the large get together's.

 

Very close because I see them everyday.

 

Wouldn't have it any other way.

[Kinnock]

My experience is very different to the OP's.  They try hard to make me feel comfortable, the younger ones try some English, I use my (basic-ish) Thai with the older generation, and her Mother talks to me constantly in Thai telling me my fortune.  My wife prepares the food with her Mother, we buy the ingredients on the way to the house.

 

It's a bit like a visit to Tia Dalmas house in Pirates of the Caribbean, and a couple of days is enough for me, but they are nice people and we get along well using Thainglish.

 

[2 is 1]

I think is how you take life in Thailand. If you dont make any effort yourself and dont show you are intrested any connection whit nobody! Why Thais need make any effort to get to know you!You dont need same language to get to know people! In our village have 3 other farang and in 4 years i have seen one guy once! Many thai think farangs not inrested to spend time whit them! I go front of shop to drink whit guys , make jokes, go fishing whit them . Even has helping to build they house etc. They always say/shout hello or sawadee when i walk or drive bye. If have dinner time they offer me food and if they drinking offer me beer or lao khao (mostly lao khao lol).  So im member in our village but if you only stay inside home and dont make any effort to know nobody why should them to do anything for your favor

[Ohyesuare]

Just like they tell you their customs about having to wai their mom, dad, etc.. you can tell them in your country, people say thank you and don't just expect the kindness of others, even family. That's what I did and they learned.

[MikeyIdea]

I have a totally opposite experience from kenny202 in both my marriages here. Sorry but I can't help to think that it (also) has to do with the background and educational level of the family and the person whom we choose to partner with. 

Edited January 2, 2022 by MikeyIdea

[CharlieH]

Post containing inflammatory comment removed.

[The Hammer2021]

2 hours ago, Doctor Tom said:

I used to visit them once every two years, they would do  the same to me.  The trips lasted 3 days and then we parted, the best of vague friends. Fortunately, one of the few positives regarding Covid is that we have politely avoided each other for the past 2 years and have no plans to meet again any time soon.  I have said that they can come back to see us if they are triple vaccinated,  knowing full well that they will not bother with a third shot. 

You can use a felt tip pen on your LFT to draw in the second line

[Father of Godfahter]

Being a stranger means you have to pay. It is like being guilty by default and being guilty means you have to pay for what is wrong with you. It does not matter if they thank you for it or not. The only thing that matters is that the one who always pays is the one of the least importance, virtually - nobody.
 I really laughed at the comments: I always pay too but they smile at me and say thank you. Totally different story! Yeah!

Man up and leave this circus. Or stay but be sure you have a pocket deep enough to let it longer until you die.

 

Edited January 2, 2022 by Father of Godfahter

[1FinickyOne]

2 hours ago, kimamey said:

I've never got the impression it was expected of me in fact in the case of my wife's sister and husband who did some building work I absolutely insisted they take the money I was offering despite their protests.

We built a family compound and when we were ready to refinish and rebuild the father's home behind ours, [estimated cost 600k baht ] he refused unless I reassured him I had 10MM in savings for myself.. That's better than a thank you - he doesn't know that in my culture people say that... but he shows it in so many ways... 

[Kenny202]

1 minute ago, Father of Godfahter said:

Being a stranger means you have to pay. It is like being guilty by default and being guilty means you have to pay for what is wrong with you. It does not matter if they thank you for it or not. The only thing that matters is that the one who always pays is the one of the least importance. I really laughed at the comments: I always pay too but they smile and say thank you. Totally different! Yeah!

Yeah I gotta say I hear these stories and think huh. I know or have known at least 30 farang guys in my time here and none seem to have wonderful relationships with either their wife or families. As a matter of fact mine far from perfect but one of the better ones I have known about. These family aren't money grubbers like some I have met, nor that expectant to be honest. Maybe ambivalent? or in my culture unappreciative but maybe that's a lack of understanding or something on my part. Maybe it's shyness on their part? But I have travelled a lot of the world and a lot of the stuff here gets passed off as culture doesn't seem to occur ad nauseum elsewhere. My missus is an accountant by the way, not a bar girl. Poorer village upbringing though and the poorer they are the more entitled they seem to be in my experience. I have quite a few educated middle / upper class Thai friends in Bangkok / Chiang Mai and they are a completely different kettle of fish. Very kind thoughtful people who wouldn't dream of asking for a loan etc. true friends where you can just spend time with them for the pleasure of their company. From what I gather a woman of that class wouldn't generally want to be with a foreigner, particularly an older one. I genuinely don't think they see having a farang as an upgrade or a step up, in fact I believe its the opposite...for whatever reason. Some will accept the downgrade to farang if there is wealth and bragging rights involved. I have lived with a wonderful Thai extended family, where they all really did pitch in and play a part but it is the only one I have seen. I have had relationships with bar girls, Govt workers, teachers, nurses....a doctor.....and to be honest there are pros and cons for both. Usually in my experience the ones that have positions have bigger debts and therefore higher monetary expectations. And usually why they are targeting foreigners. A lot easier to converse with and a lot more balanced in their temperament though. I have always made an effort to get involved, try to get to know people and sometimes it works other times it doesn't. Usually when family visits now I am welcoming and willing to take them here and there but I do realize as foreigners we are never going to be Thai, or think like a Thai or even close to it. I leave them to it. Most of the time they seem to want to do nothing more than play with their phones, eat or take selfies anyway and that's fine by me. I let em have at it.  

[Kenny202]

1 hour ago, Ohyesuare said:

Just like they tell you their customs about having to wai their mom, dad, etc.. you can tell them in your country, people say thank you and don't just expect the kindness of others, even family. That's what I did and they learned.

Yeah its not the culture or their culture is different etc. I get it....but can you picture a Thai going to a foreign country. Hey, we're going out to dinner tonight. You wont understand anyone nor will I make any effort to make you feel comfortable...and by the they'll be ordering the most expensive things on the menu and enough to take home for tomorrow as well. And at the end of the night no one will thank you, let alone say goodnight. I can't picture it all

 

Reminds me of a GF I had used to religiously forget my birthday, not that I cared but I did note that this and many other things weren't important when it was happening to others...but was completely different when it involved them. Birthday not Thai culture. It was her culture when it was her birthday and was expecting an expensive gift.

[Father of Godfahter]

33 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

We built a family compound and when we were ready to refinish and rebuild the father's home behind ours, [estimated cost 600k baht ] he refused unless I reassured him I had 10MM in savings for myself.. That's better than a thank you - he doesn't know that in my culture people say that... but he shows it in so many ways... 

What made you so eager to rebuild somebody’s father house? Did it come to you in your dream or what? I cannot imagine anybody reasonable having this weird idea out of nowhere. 
 

 

Edited January 2, 2022 by Father of Godfahter

[Father of Godfahter]

3 hours ago, ThaIrish Sean said:

I don't have the same problem. My Thai family try to learn a little bit of English just as I try to learn a little bit of Thai.

I do pay for meals if we go out and I buy the whiskey but I always get a thank you and a wai.....not a why ????

It is you who should WHY. Why should you constantly pay for the food and the drinks of the adult people whom you know a year or two the most and who are healthy individuals able to pay for their basic necessities themselves!

[MrJ2U]

Nice and entertaining story.

 

In a way though it made for an interesting weekend for you.

 

Hopefully your wife enjoyed herself and I'm sure she appreciates your easy going way.

 

......and though they may not have said it, I'm sure the guests appreciated and enjoyed your hospitality.

 

What a cool guy!

[OneMoreFarang]

How are our relations to our family back home? And the extended family?

 

Obviously some people are lucky and they have a happy family. But reading about Christmas and all the family parties people have to join and complaints about uncle x and ant y it seems to be normal all over the world that people who didn't chose to be each others friends have difficulties with each other.

Sometime we and/or they put some effort in it to try to talk to each other and understand each other. But sometimes (often?) it ends in resignation that he or she is just different.

 

Personally I don't care much about my extended family back home and I don't care much about the family of my gf. Say hello, be nice, and hope it's over soon.

 

[Meat Pie 47]

3 hours ago, ThaIrish Sean said:

I don't have the same problem. My Thai family try to learn a little bit of English just as I try to learn a little bit of Thai.

I do pay for meals if we go out and I buy the whiskey but I always get a thank you and a wai.....not a why ????

Yes I never had any problems when I lived in Thailand now back in OZ I did have my own kitchen and cooked myself every day because I did not like Thai food and we lived in the same house with the inlaws they also loved my food and every body could speak some English

[talahtnut]

A bunch of Thais, friends or family, hopitable, noisy, and hilarious,

they're all nutters, love 'em.

[Adumbration]

If you don't feel like they have your back...can you really refer to them as family?

[spidermike007]

The thank yous and expression of gratitude do not seem to be a part of Thai culture. With my family it was learned. My wife was consistently told that some expression of gratitude would be a nice gesture. They learned! 

 

Her family sound fairly dull and entitled. Mine is far more kind and considerate. Stay the course but keep them at arms length. 

[1FinickyOne]

1 hour ago, Father of Godfahter said:

What made you so eager to rebuild somebody’s father house? Did it come to you in your dream or what? I cannot imagine anybody reasonable having this weird idea out of nowhere. 
 

 

Helping family is a weird idea? 

 

Yes, in a dream precisely, but it was not my dream, it was the [waking] dream of the father to have his family live together... 

 

In case you are not kidding - have you never done a nice thing for a really nice person/people? 

 

Well, then this might go over the edge for you - - we bought the land and built our home, then we helped the first sister move her home to the land. Next was the father and then finally the youngest sister who was living in a Bkk slum w/her husband... 

 

And I spent nearly 20 years living in the village which was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. We still come and go. 

 

I can only assume your resistance is financial... have you never heard of people giving money to charities or using it to help others? 

[1FinickyOne]

7 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

The thank yous and expression of gratitude do not seem to be a part of Thai culture. With my family it was learned.

For my wife too... she learned while staying w/me in USA - and she learned on her own, seeing that others, then herself, could say 'thank you so much' and it would make people feel better... I am sure she doesn't say it to her family, but will say it to me as she knows it is polite and appreciated... 

[1FinickyOne]

1 hour ago, Kenny202 said:

Birthday not Thai culture. It was her culture when it was her birthday and was expecting an expensive gift.

My wife pretty much forgets my birthday easily... but she forgets her own too... we never exchange gifts on occasions. 

[rattlesnake]

The solution to this problem is to learn Thai. I used to feel like that a long time ago but for the past few years, I can spend time with my wife's parents, uncles etc., drink with my brother-in-law and his mates at the village and actually enjoy myself, because I speak Thai. The moment you will master the language, every frustration you have mentioned in your post will disappear.

[Father of Godfahter]

48 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

Helping family is a weird idea? 

 

Yes, in a dream precisely, but it was not my dream, it was the [waking] dream of the father to have his family live together... 

 

In case you are not kidding - have you never done a nice thing for a really nice person/people? 

 

Well, then this might go over the edge for you - - we bought the land and built our home, then we helped the first sister move her home to the land. Next was the father and then finally the youngest sister who was living in a Bkk slum w/her husband... 

 

And I spent nearly 20 years living in the village which was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. We still come and go. 

 

I can only assume your resistance is financial... have you never heard of people giving money to charities or using it to help others? 

Ok, charity…charity is ok with me… but in this particular thread you are giving an advise to smb who is not as filthy rich as you are, somebody who is pressured by his wife’s parasitic relatives to pay for them at every occurrence and, quite possible, with his last savings… and believe me or not, 95% of farangs in Thailand are dealing with his problems, not yours! Charity is good but being responsible about what you preach is even more important. There was a French writer who once wrote that the best thing about being rich is to be able to live in oblivion. The last thing the regular people need is to hear the life advice on how it should be from those living the the parallel world.

Edited January 2, 2022 by Father of Godfahter