How to deal with a card game addicted wife?

[Toughsituations]

We've been together for over 10 years, I think in the past 5-6 years (soon after our son was born and she stopped working) she started occasionally playing cards with a few friends.

 

For years this has been a very minor nuisiance, once a month she would have some friends over and they would sit and play for a few hours. But this year things are getting out of control, she now plays several times a week and in most recent episodes the play session lasted for over 24 hours NON-STOP. Sometimes it happens at our house, sometimes at some of her friends'. 

 

I don't know what to do, she became almost useless at home:

- won't cook anymore, always orders online

- won't clean anything, just waits for the maid once a week

- although I work almost all night, I often have to step in and take our son to school because she is busy playing or tired from long session

- on her free time at home, she plays a card game on her phone, can stay all day in bed doing this

 

Every time I bring this up she gets very defensive and if I insist on talking she will fight. She says it's a harmless hobby and she does it because she has no job. I don't actually see her struggling with money but this scares me, I've heard of people losing cars and houses because of this.

 

I really wanted my family to work out but she's making it look like it won't happen. I don't want to get rid of her, I want my son to have a structured family. What do I do with her? Guess I could pay a babysitter to take care of my son and get her a job?

Is there an intervention for this kind of issue without involving police? I feel that if the police finds out all it will happen is that it will cost me money to sort the issue and in one week they'll be back playing again.

 

This makes me so mad, I work my ass off to provide everything she will ever need and that's how she repays me.

[HauptmannUK]

Very difficult to fix this.

My wife has a very close friend, Nat.

Nat lived in a nice house with her husband and two kids. New Nissan pick up etc etc ...  wanted for nothing.

For some reason she got into card games and it very rapidly spiralled out of control. Six to eight people came to her house playing all day, almost every day.  Younger kid was being looked after by the older kid. Housework not being done.

My wife kind of broke off friendship with her.

Eventually there were money troubles and the husband cleared off with the kids.  But she didn't stop.  House repossessed and she was made homeless.

The house remains unsold and empty to this day. A lovely house and now terribly dilapidated and overgrown.

My wife took pity on her and built her a very small house on a piece of land of her (my wife's) land. 

I would suggest you take all possible measures to stop this. Try to deny your wife access to money. Find her something to do outside the house.

[save the frogs]

1 hour ago, Toughsituations said:

- won't cook anymore, always orders online

- won't clean anything, just waits for the maid once a week

Realistically a lot of folks around the world rely on Uber Eats nowadays.

 

If you have a maid that cleans once a week, how many people actually clean their homes every day? 

 

Just suggesting some of these issues may not be the end of the world.  

 

 

[richard_smith237]

1 hour ago, Toughsituations said:

I really wanted my family to work out but she's making it look like it won't happen. I don't want to get rid of her, I want my son to have a structured family. What do I do with her? Guess I could pay a babysitter to take care of my son and get her a job?

Is there an intervention for this kind of issue without involving police?

Yes... Put your foot down and put it down extremely hard - she's already a gambling addict. 

Does she also drink while playing cards ?

 

Temple for a few days ?? a week ?

 

Then line up job for her if you can.

Tell her no more visitors to play cards - tell her friends no more cards.

Ask her (cos you cant exactly lock her up) not to go anyone else's house to play cards.

 

Tell her exactly how you feel. Don't avoid the conversation because of the risk of conflict. 

Obviously try to avoid the conversation escalating into conflict, stay calm, you can't control how she will feel or react though...  She sounds like she takes any form of criticism badly, but unfortunately you will have to go there. 

 

Tell her - No more Cards (especially if its gambling)....   tell her its destroying you, its destroying the relationship, its destroying the family. Tell her she's neglecting her son.

Sadly, if its that bad you have to be prepared to walk away and she has to understand this. 

So..... You have a potential custody battle, so take any evidence of her Gambling at all hours etc.

 

You can play this game, hard tough and potentially win your Wife back....

or slow, tolerant, long, drawn out and she'll slowly get more and more addicted to her friends and cards and stop caring about you and her family.... but she'll end up losing money and costing you money... Best case scenario then is she gives up custody for some cash and you will simply be happy to free of her by then.... 

 

 

There are also financial concerns: 

Ensure you have all the car documents (if the car is in her name).

Keep your passport safe (and your sons). 

Keep the house documents safe. 

 

 

 

 

[richard_smith237]

38 minutes ago, save the frogs said:

Realistically a lot of folks around the world rely on Uber Eats nowadays.

 

If you have a maid that cleans once a week, how many people actually clean their homes every day? 

 

Just suggesting some of these issues may not be the end of the world.  

Agreed.....  Ordering food in etc....  having a maid etc....  is not the end of the world at all. 

 

But...  thats the 'thin end of the wedge' there... she's abandoning her home life for gambling, neglecting the son, not contributing to supporting the family by helping out in the house, taking son to school etc... 

 

My Wife's friends are great.... as are mine... But I would expect that even without any gambling or anything like that IF my Wife's friends were round my house most days I'd put my foot down and say no.... If my friends were round most days I'd expect my Wife to put her foot down and say no.

The same if either of us were going out all day / all night multiple times per-week...  thats not a marriage at all... thats hardly co-habitation. 

 

Something needs to be done to trigger the Wife's respect for her husband so that it over-rides her want or need to play cards. The Wife needs to first understand and accept that there is an issue or she'll never want to or try to fix something she doesn't believe is a problem. 

 

 

[save the frogs]

2 minutes ago, richard_smith237 said:

But...  thats the 'thin end of the wedge' there... she's abandoning her home life for gambling, neglecting the son, not contributing to supporting the family by helping out in the house, taking son to school etc... 

yes, you are right.

so my comment should be ignored.

this situation can get much worse. 

[sidjameson]

Try to remember addictions are not the same as willful misbehaving.

Anger isn't the appropriate response. 

[Lacessit]

Start preparing for the relationship to end. CYA.

Addictions can only be cured by the person themself wanting to quit.

[scubascuba3]

Probably the husbands of the friends are having the same problems, maybe talk to them

[BritManToo]

5 hours ago, Toughsituations said:

Is there an intervention for this kind of issue without involving police?

Stop giving her money is the obvious starting point.

[Kwasaki]

10 hours ago, Toughsituations said:

Is there an intervention for this kind of issue without involving police? I feel that if the police finds out all it will happen is that it will cost me money to sort the issue and in one week they'll be back playing again

The police won't do anything we tried to get them involved when my adopted daughter took off in her car suddenly one day and went missing over owing money everywhere.

 

They just said she is over 18 she can do what she wants, unless she breaks the law there's nothing we can do.

 

[Berkshire]

OP needs to get a handle on this and right soon.  Gambling addiction can get out-of-hand quickly and who knows where she's getting money.  Compulsive gamblers almost always loses and in big chunks.  She could be taking out a loan against your home, getting money from loan sharks, selling your valuables, draining your savings account.....etc.  OP might want to find out how she's financing her addiction....assuming he's not giving her money directly.

[Kwasaki]

13 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

OP needs to get a handle on this and right soon.  Gambling addiction can get out-of-hand quickly and who knows where she's getting money.  Compulsive gamblers almost always loses and in big chunks.  She could be taking out a loan against your home, getting money from loan sharks, selling your valuables, draining your savings account.....etc.  OP might want to find out how she's financing her addiction....assuming he's not giving her money directly.

Sounds like it's to late, the end is nye.

[Bangel72]

I've been through this and it has not ended well so far and I am fully expecting the ticking time bomb to explode so much so that I am looking to buy her life insurance with my sons name on it.

 

This may sound extreme but I assure you its not.

 

First starting point, its fairly clear she has an addiction and not just a desire to play cards. Treat this addiction as you would a crack cocaine addict because its at the same level, it needs mental and emotional treatment or it will get worse.

 

Like any addictions its a waste of energy helping someone who will not admit they have a problem but there are some numbers available online to get her at least talking to someone she may listen to. Some of these pass them on to line help groups, the number of people on these help groups in no doubt staggering.

 

She will not get better on her own, her brain no longer thinks logically or sensibly in relation to this so it is almost futile to try and have a sensible discussion. At one point she will likely hit rock bottom and agree to get help, its a lie, you'll bail her out and within a few weeks she will be going a bit deeper, this will be rinse and repeat behavior if you allow it.

 

Your case could be lucky if there is no loss of money involved so maybe it is not entirely family and life losing impact yet but signs are maybe there so you need to act now. Get all house, bank account and other things into a safe place she cannot easily access without a co-signature.

 

My case went from cards, to football, to lotto to online casinos to stealing from friends, giving away land paper, loan sharks, threats, violence, greedy friends lending for high interest feeding her habit, threats, separation and me trying to get my son safe. Without my son it would have been an easy gtf out of their, that the tough part.

 

Even having lost everything she will still gamble given half a chance. Leaving a bank card on a table or safely in a drawer is the same as leaving a bag of coke out for a drug addict, they have zero control or logic and lie to themselves so much they have zero chance of telling anyone else the truth.

 

Let me know if you find a good source for help, rehabs still seem a luxury here and still only designed at those who want to change.

[petermik]

11 hours ago, Toughsituations said:

 

 

This makes me so mad, I work my ass off to provide everything she will ever need and that's how she repays me.

Simple solution either she quits or you walk....she has no respect or love for you.

[Mr Derek]

See Barbara Stanwyck in "The Lady Gambles" (1949). Powerful film.

[Reginald Prewster]

@Toughsituations

I must admit you start way too late.

Sure you seem to love her and have let it happen and escalating, but the mistake is not only made by herself.

 

Many small impacts on her would have possibly stopped the situation before this happened. 

 

Living with a Thai wife is sensible talking talking talking, even you repeat yourself 100s of time.

 

Why she started gambling?

I fear because she had dreams she believed she could not reach with you together... 

 

It took me a decade to find out that my wife is a full blood farmer and I am a countryside boy...

Now we have a farm, excactly designed how we both dreamed about and we saved together millions to afford it.. 

But all started with the first step nine years ago.. Saving every baht... 

 

My wife just said a few weeks ago:

We did all this and I still think this is not real.

This can 2 people not do in a lifetime, but we did it within nine years... 

 

She is wading through the lake and laughing, climbing HER trees and singing or just sitting in a hammock and looking around for hours...

 

[IvorBiggun2]

1 hour ago, Kwasaki said:

They just said she is over 18 she can do what she wants,

Age of consent in Thailand is 15. 

[FritsSikkink]

12 hours ago, Toughsituations said:

This makes me so mad, I work my ass off to provide everything she will ever need and that's how she repays me.

So get mad to her and tell her to stop or you will divorce her. You don't have a functional family anymore at this stage.

[Kwasaki]

5 minutes ago, IvorBiggun2 said:

Age of consent in Thailand is 15. 

Nothing to do with consent the police said now that she is 18 there's nothing you can do.

[Toughsituations]

10 hours ago, richard_smith237 said:

Does she also drink while playing cards ?

 

Temple for a few days ?? a week ?

 

She sounds like she takes any form of criticism badly, but unfortunately you will have to go there. 

 

 

 

 

No drinks, just the occasional snack. I'm even surprised they eat so little, as we know these Thai ladies are very serious about food, but when playing like that even the food is neglected.

She does the occasional temple stays every few months, doesn't seem to help a bit. 

We had a talk today and it did not go very well. She said I am crazy for reading these internet reports and that it's nothing like her, as expected she got very defensive and doesn't believe she is doing the family any harm.

[Toughsituations]

12 hours ago, HauptmannUK said:

 

I would suggest you take all possible measures to stop this. Try to deny your wife access to money. Find her something to do outside the house.

She doesn't have access to my money, just what I give her. Unless she is building up debt somewhere I don't see her losing money (wish I did).

[Toughsituations]

 

 

8 hours ago, scubascuba3 said:

Probably the husbands of the friends are having the same problems, maybe talk to them

I don't want to get the others involved, having my wife hating me is enough, I don't need her friends mad at me as well.

[Denim]

I have seen this before in the wife of an American friend. She ran up debt of over 2 million baht , and this was 30 years ago !

His solution was to move , with her , back to his home village in a remote part of Alaska where a lot of the time you had to fly in and out because the road was impassable.

 

Of course , this worked. Nobody to play with. 

 

Found her a job to give her something to focus on.

 

This was not a cure and he knew it. On their rare trips back to Thailand he could not let her out of his sight as he knew that left on her own she would likely try and gamble again.

[Toughsituations]

 

 

20 minutes ago, Reginald Prewster said:

Why she started gambling?

I fear because she had dreams she believed she could not reach with you together... 

 

Over the past 10 years I got her everything she wanted. She went from having pretty much nothing to having everything she wanted. Bought the isan land, built her house there, got a good amount of gold, car, half-farang son, no need to work, money to buy most things she want. The only things left from her wishlist would be a new Mercedes Benz and a big house in the city - which are coming in the near future if I keep hope in this relationship.

[Toughsituations]

10 hours ago, richard_smith237 said:

You have a potential custody battle, so take any evidence of her Gambling at all hours etc.

I could set up a camera in the living room and catch a 24h non stop marathon, but wouldn't this evidence give me trouble as well? For allowing this to happen in my own house wouldn't I be held liable?

[Kwasaki]

4 minutes ago, Toughsituations said:

She doesn't have access to my money, just what I give her. Unless she is building up debt somewhere I don't see her losing money (wish I did).

Are you getting into to any debt is the discussion you need to have whether your wife likes it or not.

 

 

[Muzzique]

The writing is on the wall here my friend. She is gripped by what seems an addiction and you need to take action to prevent any risk to your finances and yourself. If it was just playing for company it could be understood perhaps; but playing for 24hr and online goes beyond company and boredom.

 

I have seen full well with my wifes sister her slow slide into the dark addiction hole. How the loan sharks sought her out and empowered her to continue using her family as collateral. The first we knew was when some very nasty guys came to our house demand we pay for her debts to keep our limbs intact.

 

First thing to do is to protect your finances. Secure your assets and have full control over their access. Check your bills and all letters. Get new cards and pins. Move everything into your control.

 

Getting a babysitter is simply going to enable her to play more. Disable all enablements. The maid, the take aways, the access to cash. If she wants to eat she has to cook it. If she wants a clean house she has to clean it.

 

Go out as a family to eat rather than eat in, use it as a chance to communicate and try to clean the house together. If she is bored find ways to do things together that breaks the cards cycle.

 

Be prepared to be strong. Non aggressive confrontation. You must not be angry or approach any discussion with potential escalation into an argument. Keep calm and peaceful in how you talk. Become the solution not the judge., Be prepared to walk away as people in the grip of an addiction tend to refuse to acknowledge it till it brings them to their knees 

 

Recognise gambling requires money and increasing demand changes people. You may be more valuable falling off a balcony than moaning at her. Make sure protecting your family should you pass away doesn´t become a route to financial fuel for her addiction. That assets don´t pass to her directly after you are gone until she has beaten the grip.

 

Now it is time to protect yourself and your son, Once this is done then tackle the problem.

 

You have a tough road ahead of you. I hope she is worth it.

 

 

[bkk6060]

Sounds like she has given up on the marriage.   I would divorce her and try to find another woman to take care of your kid.

[Bangel72]

One side thought, could she be lending to the others that she plays cards with?

 

Within the card groups there can often be one or two that always lose, that the others are inadvertently feeding on their addiction.

 

Enabling others like this to destroy their lives whilst less damaging for your family is also a destructive behavior, worse if she is charging them interest. She may be able to talk about this as likely she will see no harm in this even if the there are illegal interest rates she will believe she is helping them despite it being a criminal offence that could come back and impact your family in the future, in addition to contributing to destroying someone else's.