How to deal with a card game addicted wife?

[Stevemercer]

In my experience, most Thai women I have come into contact enjoy cards with friends. But, for most, it is just an occasional thing and the bets are small (20 Baht).

 

Some Thai woman are addicted to cards. My wife has always gambled. In Australia it was always the pokies.  In Thailand it was playing cards and I used to think it was harmless (e.g. it would take a long time to loose as much as 10 minutes at the pokies) until I saw the size of the bets (typically 1000 Baht).

 

When does it become an addiction - when it disrupts normal life and the addict cannot function normally. My wife functions normally, and does everything for me she has always done, but she has piled on the debt. Luckily our house/land in Thailand is owned by her sister (who is very responsible) and there are no assets in her name that she can borrow against.

 

Still, there are always ways and, over time, you learn to close off the financial loopholes one by one.

 

There is no point giving your wife an ultimatum or cutting her off, if you want to stay married. You have to find ways to manage it so it doesn't turn into a crisis for your finances. You have to decide the threshold line she cannot cross (becasue you would consider divorce at this point). 

 

Sit in on a few games so you can see the stakes they are playing for. If the bets are in the 1,000s of Bahts, then almost certainly your wife has loaned money against the house (very bad), stolen from your bank accounts (bad), borrowed from a friend (manageable) or gone to the loan sharks (very, very bad if a large sum).

 

I don't intend to divorce my wife, I hope we can continue to grow old together. I accept her for better or worse, just as she accepts me (and my womanising). If you, as the husband, have no secrets from your wife, and are 100% perfect, maybe you can take the upper moral path.

 

Your wife will continue to deny there is any problem. You can let her know the parameters (e.g. you will not pay off her debt), but you also need a fall-back position if it looks like she will take you down with her.

 

My wife is an Australian citizen and, I guess, can always go there if the situation becomes intolerable (e.g. she is hounded by loan sharks). I have money in Australia and, I guess, can also go there if things really go pear-shaped. As I said, our house/land is in my sister-in-laws name and I trust her (the family all know about the gambling). If I ask, she will help me sell it and give me the money (for a commission).

 

The worst thing would be if my wife borrowed a large sum from loan sharks. This, in my books, would be crossing the line, becasue things would quickly escalate. Everybody would know and she would lose immeasurable face. I guess, for me, this might be grounds for divorce. At the moment we/I are managing the problem well below this threshold.

 

My wife did once borrow a million baht from a friend. I guess I've learned to take the Thai approach and haven't really worried about this. There is no legal agreement, there is nothing in my wife's name she can be forced to sell, the lady she borrowed from is very old and may die soon. I guess I could be liable for this debt given our marriage. I did help mediate and work out a modest repayment plan (10,000 Baht per month with 75% paid from her Thai pension). But, in all honesty, I never think about it and am not worried. After all, we can enjoy today and tomorrow will take care of itself. I also hope that my wife's friends will learn not to loan her money because they might not get it back.

 

 

[Yellowtail]

I worked at manufacturing facility in Thailand full of women for over twenty years and never saw any women playing cards. 

[IndomitableSpirit]

Almost similar situation happened to my cousin who was married to a Thai man. She was playing cards with her friends every day for long hours, to the point after picking up my nieces and nephew from school, she'd take them along and come home near midnight on a school week! She kept doing it and like your wife would go crazy if confronted. It ended up in divorce, because my dumb @$$ cousin just won't stop. The ex husband is one of those hard working Thais who's family-oriented. She didn't need to work, but she couldn't even cook decent meals for her family. She was living like a single woman. Glad my nieces and nephew got their father's perspective in life.

 

There could only be change, if someone is willing to change. If your wife won't put an effort, you will continue living in an unhappy marriage which isn't healthy for your child as well.

[Toughsituations]

On 7/4/2023 at 3:47 PM, Yellowtail said:

Why can she not get a job while the id is at school? 

She would have roughly between 9am and 3pm to work. She says she can't find a job that will allow such a short shift at these hours.

 

On 7/4/2023 at 6:36 PM, save the frogs said:

is it possible that you spend too much time at work? 

Well, someone in the house needs to work. I could actually have 2-3 hours with her per day if she wanted, but most of the time she's glued to her phone or sleeping. She has no interest in pretty much anything we could do together: exercise, movie, 2 person gaming...the only thing that can get her interest is food.

 

19 hours ago, Tazmo said:

Try to understand that and seek professional help. That’s what I would do. There are hundreds of Such Services in Thailand.

That's great to know, could please name a few?

[Toughsituations]

I had another serious talk with her and she seems to have understood that I'm planning to take action. She promised to try to fix her issues.

 

Answering a few more questions:

Who's she playing with? - Always the same group

How much are the bets? - I don't know, but I dont see anything higher than 100b notes on the table

 

Today I also checked her "reserves" (gold) and they are all still there, as well as the cash she has stashed up. She was a bit more lively in the house after the talk, even cooked. Hope it lasts.

[Yellowtail]

Is the group she plays with all women, and are they her friends? 

 

 

[Henryford]

Tell her it's you or the cards. If she is an addict she will choose the cards.

[marin]

5 hours ago, Toughsituations said:

I could actually have 2-3 hours with her per day if she wanted, but most of the time she's glued to her phone or sleeping. She has no interest in pretty much anything we could do together: exercise, movie, 2 person gaming...the only thing that can get her interest is food.

 

Look at what you have written. Even without the gambling problem why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this? Put some real thought to your situation and stop feeling sorry for yourself. 

[BTB1977]

If you are legally  married get a divorce.  You can still stay together as a family.  Many thail live together without being married.  If the house and cars are in her name sell everything that she owns. Rent a house and put the car in your name. If she doesn't agree to this run and don't look back. She WILL destroy you financially.  I have seen it happen over 20 times to people I know. She could have bet your assets away already and you don't know it. Your #ucked

[Bundooman]

Sorry, it's not going to stop.

She will ignore you.

You need to take action. 

Type up a series of relevant issues, dates, time, periodicity and make it a record.

Continue trying to prevent her from destroying her, your and your son's life and record everything

Stop any money going to her. 

Safeguard all important documents.

Pack her stuff up and place it outside the front door.

Change your locks

You 've lost out. She's an addict and you can't change that. 

Move on with your son and your life.

If you are taken to court, you will have a written record of events.

 

I feel bad for you - but you need to get a grip.

[Dan O]

16 hours ago, Toughsituations said:

I had another serious talk with her and she seems to have understood that I'm planning to take action. She promised to try to fix her issues.

 

Answering a few more questions:

Who's she playing with? - Always the same group

How much are the bets? - I don't know, but I dont see anything higher than 100b notes on the table

 

Today I also checked her "reserves" (gold) and they are all still there, as well as the cash she has stashed up. She was a bit more lively in the house after the talk, even cooked. Hope it lasts.

Thats about the only play you have is to communicate clearly but directly about your concerns and why they are concerns. I would try to work on it in pieces so its not overwhelming to either of you and easier to make small but positive changes 

 

Don't expect any immediate and quick changes as it will be a process to get her re-invested in the the family and home rather than the card games

[ross163103]

Depends on the card game, but when they get into a game called "bok dang"--not sure if that's spelled right, anyway it can get real serious real fast. I've known three friends whose wives have lost houses, cars, motorcycles, basically everything. One friend thought he was smart and had the house deed in a safe in his car, the house was in her name so she went down to the land office and told them she lost the chanote, they gave her a new one and a few months later they were moving out, mafia got the house. He found out who got it and offered to buy it back; they said sure, for 4 million baht. Basically he would have had to pay full price he paid originally AGAIN to get it back. Police won't help in these cases. 

 

I know this doesn't help you any just warning you how it can go.

[Yellowtail]

27 minutes ago, ross163103 said:

Depends on the card game, but when they get into a game called "bok dang"--not sure if that's spelled right, anyway it can get real serious real fast. I've known three friends whose wives have lost houses, cars, motorcycles, basically everything. One friend thought he was smart and had the house deed in a safe in his car, the house was in her name so she went down to the land office and told them she lost the chanote, they gave her a new one and a few months later they were moving out, mafia got the house. He found out who got it and offered to buy it back; they said sure, for 4 million baht. Basically he would have had to pay full price he paid originally AGAIN to get it back. Police won't help in these cases. 

 

I know this doesn't help you any just warning you how it can go.

Have you read the thread? Dude say she play with the same group all the time, and the biggest bill on the table is B100. 

[Victor Laszlo]

I not do again teerak, jing jing. I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

[Deerculler]

Realistically. You going to have to face the truth and start looking planning a new life.

[steven100]

tell her you cannot take it anymore ,    you cannot sleep at night because of what is happening .... 

Tell her if she doesn't let you join her and start playing in the group your going to leave her ..... 

[steven100]

2 hours ago, Deerculler said:

Realistically. You going to have to face the truth and start looking planning a new life.

planning a new life wife

[thaibeachlovers]

On 7/4/2023 at 6:03 AM, Toughsituations said:

This makes me so mad, I work my ass off to provide everything she will ever need and that's how she repays me.

It's an addiction and she may not be able to control it.

 

Just make sure she can't access your money if she starts gambling and make sure you ain't going to be liable for her debts.

 

Perhaps you caused the problem by giving her everything. Free stuff is never appreciated, IMO.

[Taboo2]

When did the world stop producing real men?

 

Questions like these makes me wonder if there is something in the water.

 

My dad would never tolerate this type of behavior from my mom and would put his foot down immediately.

 

 

[Taboo2]

On 7/4/2023 at 1:43 PM, Toughsituations said:

 

 

Over the past 10 years I got her everything she wanted. She went from having pretty much nothing to having everything she wanted. Bought the isan land, built her house there, got a good amount of gold, car, half-farang son, no need to work, money to buy most things she want. The only things left from her wishlist would be a new Mercedes Benz and a big house in the city - which are coming in the near future if I keep hope in this relationship.

She knows you are a "Mark" and does not respect you.  When you understand that, then you will know what to do.  

[Taboo2]

55 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

It's an addiction and she may not be able to control it.

 

Just make sure she can't access your money if she starts gambling and make sure you ain't going to be liable for her debts.

 

Perhaps you caused the problem by giving her everything. Free stuff is never appreciated, IMO.

Yes, especially in Thailand.  The Thai people do not respect anyone who throws money around like a drunken  sailor.  They work hard for their money and when they see a SIMP or equivalent pissing money away, they have a low opinion of you, even when taking said money from you.  

[steven100]

tell her you can't tolerate this nonsense any longer

tell her it's totally unacceptable,     and if she doesn't let you play your leaving.

[Danderman123]

It's not just cards, there are cellphone slot games for hardcore addicts. Plus, Numbers, although the latter doesn't cause huge losses quickly.

 

Numbers addicts post their winnings on social media. If they don't post, it means they are losing.

 

[Yellowtail]

The OP's wife is apparently playing cards with a group of friends. Why is it assumed she is addicted to gambling? She may be, but she may just be having fun. 

[thaibeachlovers]

On 7/8/2023 at 5:46 PM, Taboo2 said:

When did the world stop producing real men?

 

Questions like these makes me wonder if there is something in the water.

 

My dad would never tolerate this type of behavior from my mom and would put his foot down immediately.

 

 

would put his foot down immediately.

 

Not many women would tolerate such behavior from their ( soon to be divorced ) husband.