Having problem with ex showing up at my home making a disturbance, constant phone calls etc

[Kenny202]

I am not going to go into too much detail here for legal reasons, and there is quite a back story but the post topic says it all. Ex GF of 8 years ago, who seems to pop up in my life every 2 years or so, obviously when things not going well for her. We had a child together who I have taken sole care of since he was a baby. Anyway the other day she turned up at my home unannounced, always under the guise of wanting to see my son. I had never denied her access before as she lives in another province and would come maybe once or twice a year for other reasons and that was it. The rules I set were you need to send a message first and I will bring him to meet you somewhere....I didn't want her screaming at my home (anymore). She would always send a message the morning she got here, expecting me to drop everything and drive across town in peak hour traffic to do. She would say she wanted to spend a couple of days with him and usually within 30 minutes to 2 hours she would call and say he is crying, come and pick him up. Then do the same thing again in the afternoon. Was a total PITA. Any way a couple of years ago I would say in a fit of rage or maybe she just lost her phone and she lost all of my contact details....so now she just turns up. The last time was with two other people I assume as witnesses and possibly videoing the whole thing trying to get a rise out of me. My son was at school at the time as she came in the middle of the day and she refused to believe it and I ended up telling her to foxtrot oscar and not come back near my home....ever. Anyway she did it again the other night about 9pm, son already asleep. I decided to pacify her and went and woke my son up and apart from the mix of crying and maniacal laughter, everything civil enough. he didn't even know who she was. All she did was take selfies and do video calls the whole time. Anyway, unbeknownst to me she had been earlier in the day when we must have been out. The only reason I knew was one of our friends who doesn't know her said who is this woman, she has posted all this abusive stuff on Facebook saying you were inside hiding....and what really gave it away was she was calling (or screaming) me and my sons name. Typical disturbance she is so fond of. I don't even know why she posted the video as it doesn't show her in a good light at all. She also had a friend filming it all by the looks....My question is....

 

Has anyone been through this sort of harassment before and was there something you can do about it? Is her posting a video like that in a public forum libelous or defaming? I mean what she was saying about me nothing directly that bad I guess but not nice either. She also made a few comments on the post as well mainly saying how she is being denied access to see her child etc, which is utter BS. But a good social media story of course. 

 

I am aware of the custody route and have looked into that so no need for motherly advice on that, nor will I be paying her off, as she would take the money and then ignore and restrictions anyway. Also loathe to enquire with the BIB as I had someone break and enter my home a few years ago...I was completely in the right.....and the whole thing got turned around on me where I was told I need to pay the person 500k to get them out of my house lol. A quick call to my lawyer quickly quashed that and the person was ordered to remove themself from my house immediately. Talk about victim blaming! Back home we would simply go and get a restraining order from the police and that would be the end of it. Surely everyone has the right to not be around someone who is threatening or violent. Not sure they have such laws here. The only difference here is she will be claiming she wants to see her son, poor mummy etc. She doesn't want the burden of taking care of him, only the right to come here at her convenience and play with him, take selfies etc. And video call whenever she wants. It doesn't suit me at all and the worst thing is it is confusing for my son. Any advice from people with personal experience welcome. Please don't ask for more details etc....but feel free to send me PM     

[The Cyclist]

16 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

A quick call to my lawyer quickly quashed that and the person was ordered to remove themself from my house immediately.

 

There is your answer

 

Give the lawyer a witness statement from your friend along with the social media of her making a fool of herself. Let your lawyer deal with it.

[FritsSikkink]

45 minutes ago, Chris Daley said:

You only had one job, to care for a child and it's mother.  Another dead beat dad.

He is taking care of his child, what are you on about?

[FritsSikkink]

Talk to your lawyer that you want to have sole custody of your child, so it will be legally sorted. Then you can ignore her when she is standing in front of your house and refuse to give her access.

[Kenny202]

5 hours ago, FritsSikkink said:

Talk to your lawyer that you want to have sole custody of your child, so it will be legally sorted. Then you can ignore her when she is standing in front of your house and refuse to give her access.

I don't want to ignore her or tolerate it anymore. it is totally embarrassing not to mention uncomfortable. Very dangerous person to be around with no consideration for consequences. I want her restricted from coming to my home or contacting me whenever she gets the urge.... full stop. We are all nervous every time a car drives past or stops. Not too mention something my current lady is very uncomfortable about understandably. Just feels like you are under siege  

[The Cyclist]

12 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Very dangerous person to be around with no consideration for consequences

 

12 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

We are all nervous every time a car drives past or stops.

 

12 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Not too mention something my current lady is very uncomfortable about understandably

 

12 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Just feels like you are under siege  

 

Why would anyone live like that ?
 

Time to move house and change phone numbers.

 

 

[steven100]

don't fall for the Thai way of playing games because that's exactly what she's doing.   Speak to your lawyer and explain all how you feel and what she's doing.   Ask him what can be done .....  but also be aware she may not be breaking any laws or rules by what she's doing so you may not have much chance of doing anything other than move and cease all contact, change your number etc ..  

[SeanPhuket]

You've my sympathy. Been down the harassment thing myself. Educated woman, 'high' status and well known in phuket circles but an absolute nightmare in secret. Looks like she's getting married so I'm off the hook, for now. 

 

Anyway I hope you can get peace from her. Hopefully she'll meet somebody online and foxtrot Oscar to 'golden' Europe. 

[stoner]

15 minutes ago, SeanPhuket said:

You've my sympathy. Been down the harassment thing myself. Educated woman, 'high' status and well known in phuket circles but an absolute nightmare in secret. Looks like she's getting married so I'm off the hook, for now. 

 

Anyway I hope you can get peace from her. Hopefully she'll meet somebody online and foxtrot Oscar to 'golden' Europe. 

 

ill let you know when we get divorced. don't you worry. 

[swm59nj]

I commend you for taking care of your child.  You should just let your attorney handle it.  Keep a journal of any negative behavior from her so the attorney knows everything that is going on.  

[IndomitableSpirit]

Even as a woman, I would not tolerate such behavior. I'm sorry OP, she doesn't want to see your kid because of "motherly love," it's pathetic that she's using the kid as a form or way to take you to a boiling point or points. No loving/sane mother would put their kid/kids in such situation or drama. She's pushing you to the point of destruction, probably taking videos to capture your reaction in her craziness. She wants you to get so mad as to record that moment and use it against you in one hell or another. I agree with others who advice you to talk with your lawyer and go through whatever possible way to put a stop on her madness. 

[ChaiyaTH]

A lot of (single) mothers in Thailand seem to have the exact pattern as the OP describes, the only difference then often being is that the child is raised by other family members or often the grandparents. The child essentially only sees their parents 1-2 times a year, must be super confusing.

 

In this case I believe the OP and she is on top of that also typical crazy, is creepy, sounds almost like she does feel the guilt (naturally as she is the mother), same time not give a <deleted> (typical thai too, selfish). Would almost make me think she just wants to show off how healthy and good her son looks, for her reputation, as well that he likely is her retirement.

 

Doubt you would lose in court to be honest. I would just move and pretend to have lost her contacts, doubt she will be able to find you then. Why didn't you move in all the years?

 

If not planning on relocating, I would at least make sure you have proper CCTV, to document all these events, it would specially be helpful on unexpected evenings at 9PM. This can also document how she behaves, aside from the last notice text messages etc. Would even audio record all conversations.

 

Judges are no low life idiots here, they will want the best possible future for a Thai child.

[Kenny202]

To the last two posters yeah.....100% accurate. There is no guilt there at all in fact I am sure she convinces herself of her own untruths....posting stuff on social media and getting encouragement from people who for a start have never met me or know the situation and fail to understand she has omitted 90% of the true story doesn't help either. Mind you the same people go away and laugh at her. How can a woman who abandoned her child as a baby be seen in a good light? Somehow she manages to try and garners sympathy into the bargain! Master of spin. Borderline personality disorder and much worse. Many many horrible incidents which I wont go into here. Show off 100% correct, but showoff in an attempt to show herself in a better light or as a "normal" person. I had many years making excuses to myself for her re her upbringing, traumas she had been through but at the end of the day a toxic person is a toxic person and through my life generally a person who has been through a difficult childhood wishes the last thing to foist that on their own children. She has a very bad reputation in her home village where the truth has been revealed over and over. I wish so much I could move but it would just be difficult. We have a lot of stuff and a wonderful landlord which is extremely difficult to find here. My son is settled in an excellent school. I don't think I would lose in court either. I have records / photos / copies / diary notes of every threatening message, phone calls, crazy posts, encounters etc going back 8 years. Its just a matter of pulling the trigger. I did start to go down that track last year and then the lawyer started playing games re costs. I wasn't having any problems with her at the times so thought it best not to poke a hornets nest. The way it works is you file the petition....the other party is notified and they have the opportunity to contest it. Should they not respond it is done. Whether she would fight something like that I doubt it.....there is just too much factual on the record evidence (apart from my mine) of abandoning other children etc. You would think she would realize this herself but logic doesn't often come into anything. Her latest schpiel to justify her 8 year absence is I never let her see him which is completely untrue. I always accommodated her, much to my own inconvenience on her once or twice a year visit to our city for other reasons. The only time there was anything like a refusal was 18 months ago when she came to the back of my home unannounced with a war party of two others, in the middle of the day when he was at school. She I assume was heading back to her province and didn't have time to come back later. I hadn't had any contact with her for at least a year so there was no reason for the ambush. She couldn't send me a message as she deleted or lost my contact details and now claims I blocked her 5555. Like I said I seem to be the focus of her attention or go to when her life is going south. I know in truth, should I let her take him anywhere as she has done int he past she would be on the phone within 2 hours for me to go and pick him up. Always her as the victim of course.....just bringing back too many bad memories...she cant cope etc. The first time he asked her for something that involved any effort on her part or even worse a few baht she would be wanting to offload him. I even have copies of messages when she first left with him, he was about 4 or 5 months old from memory, just starting on solid foods. I used to cook and care for him 100%, make him mashed vegetables etc. She was gone 8 hours and asked me how to cook food for him...she didn't know. Then asked if it was ok to take him to KFC . A 4 month old baby....and this from a woman already had 3 kids. True story and still have the message.  

[geisha]

Hi, I never cease to be shocked . I’ve had a few platonic friends ( not bar workers) while living in Phuket , and not one had their children with them. All parked off to the grandparents. My advice, definitely contact your lawyer and get the ball rolling immediately. As someone else said, get CCTV , voice recording and never let the woman alone with your child. If you ever must , take along a trusted friend who sits a table away when meeting. 

[MangoKorat]

Firstly I would tread very carefully here and immediately employ the services of a Thai lawyer to put an end to this matter.  I take it that you have collected evidence over the years that this has been going on?

 

I don't have any experience of this in Thailand but I do have evidence of a mother using our son as a weapon against me and denying me access when I was behaving perfectly well (UK ex wife and child).  In the end I decided to use the law to put a stop to the matter and that's what I think you should do here.

 

I do have experience in the matter of custody in Thailand - just as you say you also do. My ex Thai wife, with my help, got her son back from his paternal grandparents but we had to use the courts to do so. Our lawyer explained that in Thailand the default position is, as I'm sure you know, that the mother has custody but that regular access must be given to the father in most cases.  The only thing that changes that position is if the father can prove that the mother is unfit to have custody.  That's why I say tread very carefully.

 

My ex (Thai) wife's ex husband didn't challenge the court's decision but the grandparent's did and tried to blacken my ex's character.  However, they offered no evidence and so the boy was returned to his mother. At first the grandparents refused to hand him over so another court hearing was arranged and the grandparents were ordered to attend with the boy.

 

Your son's mother may well be unfit to take care of him but you need evidence to prove that.  You say that there is a back story to this and your ex's erratic behaviour and irregular visits lead me to think I can guess what some of it involves. It sounds as though you may well have plenty of evidence  against her but it must be provable, not just your opinion or hearsay.  The Thai courts are pretty good when it comes to what's best for children and will usually come down on the side of good.

 

In both my case with my son and my wife's with her son, we used the law. Not the police, the law. From your description of the events to date, this matter must be dealt with permanently and that can only be done through the law.

[MangoKorat]

One further thing I would say is that the Thai courts don't like fighting or he said she said arguments. Don't get involved.

 

Keep it simple, state your case and provide your evidence clearly and concisely.

 

Your lawyer, if he/she is worth her salt will tell you how you need to proceed and will, I have no doubt, ask for witness statements.

 

Your ex on the other hand, is very likely to turn up at court with her videos and family - all prepared to state you are an axe murderer.  They most likely will not be aware of how evidence must be presented.  She will also almost certainly turn up at court without a lawyer - her friends/family will no doubt have told her she has default custody so she doesn't need to go to that expense.  However, never underestimate the power of a woman crying her eyes out in court - get your evidence in order.

 

You can strengthen your position by getting statements from your son's school etc. stating how well he does at school and that his general behaviour is that of a well balanced kid.

 

If you don't take this matter to court, you are going to have this problem for years to come. There is no other legal way.

[Kenny202]

Thanks for you reply.....but really what you are saying is rather a paradox, and the actual dilemma. I do feel like I have an overwhelming amount of evidence.....but getting someone to sit down and actually read it all or even some of it is the difficult part. And not the first time I have seen an unlosable case in Thailand awarded to clearly the wrong doer. Get the wrong judge on the wrong day. As you say she will be crying and pitiful. Just not a risk I am ready to take atm. I mean for god sake she broke into my house.....cut and dried. Not a domestic dispute as we had been separated for 4 months. And she even turned the tables on that. My tactic with her has always been bide my time. My son has no interest in going with her and even if he did she has nothing to offer him at all in the way of a stable family, home, school etc. I think he would be crying his eyes out after a day....and should he be happy there well that's ok too. Even if she went to court and somehow won she would still return him after a week and then my @$$ would be hers. Be just like before....demanding I bring him to her, then wanting to return him. The control / manipulation game. That's how I put a stop to that madness when she first left. After a few months of hell I said ok, you are his mum and can come and get him anytime you want (This was before I had court paternity). But I don't have to come and get him. You can take care of him yourself? Well, the next day like a different person. She was terrified she was going to get left "holding the baby". Took me 3 or 4 months to find that one chink in her armor. Or worse she could get bored with him and dump him with someone in a village. Never seemed to be any shortage of people wanting to have a mixed race kid....like it increases their status or something.    

 

I hear you though, and I am preparing stuff for my lawyer today for a meeting. I know I have to keep it to the point and concise which as you can see by my posts are difficult for me lol. I just have to make a basic timeline of events and keep any messages, photos, evidence etc to what is critical and provable. i was told once for someone to win custody over a mother it has to be a serious offence like drugs or abuse.....and you need 100% hard evidence. In my case though a different story as he has been under my sole care and living with me last 7 years. She will claim I never allowed access, which I can easily disprove.....albeit with a few pages of messages / photos which someone would need to read and absorb. Anyway, I fight my battles on my terms and like to know I am going to win before pushing the button. I am fairly calm about it all at the moment and will take it one day at a time. I will be interested to hear my lawyers comments re keeping her away from my home and making disturbances. What my rights are. Problem is it's like going to a govt office here....they all have their own spin on things which may or may not be right.   

[BritManToo]

Forget lawyers, forget the police, move somewhere else.

There is no realistic alternative, and to not abandon a rented property makes no sense.

Emotional thinking will sink you, and you'll probably lose custody of your kid.

 

Make a choice, keep your rented house or keep your kid (and sanity)?

You've been posting this same thread for the past 5 years, and nothing has changed, because it's too easy for her to find you.

 

Nothing will stop her, my former misses in the UK is still at it, 14 years later.

Their reason for living is to hate you, and nothing you can do will change that.

But you can move somewhere where she can't find you, and the police won't be bothered looking. 

[Kenny202]

Just now, BritManToo said:

Forget lawyers, forget the police, move somewhere else.

There is no realistic alternative, and to not abandon a rented property makes no sense.

Emotional thinking will sink you, and you'll probably lose custody of your kid.

I tend to agree with you but it just isn't that easy. Took us a year and several different attempts just to find a reasonable school. Even the rented property.....not sure if you have ever rented here but apart from the difficulty of finding a place, you can have as many issues with landlords as I am having with my ex. At our last place the owners where actually coming into our place when we where out. Stuff went missing occasionally. The place had so many structural issues they refused to repair and simply told us they hadn't been paying their bank loan and the bank would repossess it soon anyway. The latest problem was the upstairs toilet was leaking water clearly visible from marks on the ceiling below. It was a pipe inside the ceiling so in now way our doing or responsibility. Sent them photos etc they told me it was up to me to have it repaired. then a part of the ceiling 1m x 1m finally collapsed on the floor. Then tried to sue me when I broke the lease and moved out early lol. They were dispicable people. Many people here seem to convince themself they are right when they are so clearly wrong it is unbelievable.

 

I am not thinking or acting emotionally. I usually follow an old bosses advice.... if you are not sure what to do, do nothing. the answer will present itself in time 

[BritManToo]

5 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

.not sure if you have ever rented here but apart from the difficulty of finding a place, you can have as many issues with landlords as I am having with my ex. At our last place the owners where actually coming into our place when we where out. Stuff went missing occasionally. The place had so many structural issues they refused to repair and simply told us they hadn't been paying their bank loan and the bank would repossess it soon anyway.

Rented loads of different houses, whenever a problem arises you just move, this is what the Thais do.

Structural problems........ move.

Strange leaks ......... move.

Intrusive landlords ......... move.

Noisy neighbours ......... move.

Bonkers women trying to harm you ......... move.

[The Cyclist]

16 minutes ago, Kenny202 said:

I tend to agree with you but it just isn't that easy.

 

Kenny, I believe that you are looking for excuses to do nothing rather than take action.

 

I send you the best wishes in the world, but if your ex really is as batsh1t crazy as you make out, rev up and ( deleted ) off before serious harm comes to you, or more even more importantly, the child.

 

The childs welfare and well being should come before any ridiculous excuse that it is too difficult to move somewhere else.

 

31 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

You've been posting this same thread for the past 5 years, and nothing has changed, because it's too easy for her to find you.

 

Just seen the above, after 5 years I think that any advice is wasted.

[Kenny202]

26 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Rented loads of different houses, whenever a problem arises you just move, this is what the Thais do.

Structural problems........ move.

Strange leaks ......... move.

Intrusive landlords ......... move.

Noisy neighbours ......... move.

Bonkers women trying to harm you ......... move.

 

Thais don't have 2 truckloads of stuff and 5 or 6 trips in a pick up to move. And if I am going to move it will be a considerable distance from where I am now. Thais usually a pick up full done. Not to mention losing a 50-60k baht deposit every time you bail on a lease. You think moving somewhere else will just sort everything out and she wont be able to find me by fair means or foul? Its a throw away comment of which you are so fond which is much easier said than done

[it is what it is]

 

sounds fairly horrendous, seems you have three options; lawyer, move or put up with it.

 

i'd probably move. but if you go the lawyer round orgnise your evidence, make it fact based, precise and clear with supporting statements from neighbours, thai friends and the school. 

[gargamon]

Make conspicuous videos of her every time she shows up, maybe by your current partner. She should, but probably won't, curtail her activities due to this, but at least you'll have a video record that you control which cannot be sliced and diced to show something that didn't happen. 

[AlexRRR]

Can't believe what Kenny puts himself through, move fella and change schools and phone number.....Shes not gonna pay someone to find you, if she's such a big pain in the arse having to move a few times would be nothing compared...

[TroubleandGrumpy]

There is a lot of very good advice already (and some not so good) - so I will just add something.

 

Get a paternity test done to ensure the child is yours. Dont get offended - just do it and make sure.

If the test comes back positive that gives you personal certainty about everything you do - and it could be very helpful later.

If the test come back negative, then you know the truth and you can make your decisions knowing that is the case.

Do not tell her/anyone about the test or the results - untill is in yours and the kid's best interests to do so.

 

Best wishes mate - and I must say, it is great that you are not 'walking away' - that says a lot about you, and that is all good.