So I’m sitting in a café, right, just trying to have me full English without someone frothing at the mouth over “the deep state” when this geezer next to me starts going off about Trump again. Says he’s “playing 5D chess” and “draining the swamp.” I says, “Mate, he ain’t playing chess. He’s flipping the board, eating the pieces, and claiming checkmate while the board’s on fire.”

 

First thing out his gob? Tariffs. Oh yeah, Donny’s whacked a ten percent tariff on everyone, like Oprah handing out parking fines. “You get a tariff! And you get a tariff! Whole bloody planet gets a tariff!” I tell him it’s already tanking the economy and he goes, “Nah, that’s just the fake news markets reacting emotionally.” Emotional? Mate, my nan reacts less emotionally when you move her knitting needles.

 

Then we get onto the deportations. Bloke tells me it’s “just enforcing the law.” I says, “Enforcing it on who, exactly? The fella who got kicked out to El Salvador by accident and trying to fight his way back in like he’s in some bootleg Bourne film?” Kid looks at me blankly like I’ve just asked him to spell ‘asylum’. I says, “Trump’s out here chucking people out like a nightclub bouncer on speed, and you’re cheering him on like he’s won Eurovision.”

 

Oh and here’s the kicker, right? Trump’s now got his little fingers poking into supposedly independent agencies. I told this lad, “You know those agencies are meant to keep politicians honest, yeah?” He goes, “That’s the problem. Too much honesty.” I nearly spat out me tea. Since when was honesty the bloody enemy? These people don’t want a government. They want a cult run out of a golf course with gold toilets.

 

Donny’s also gone full Apprentice mode with the civil service. “You’re fired, you’re fired, you’re all bloody fired.” Thousands let go. Agencies gutted. Social Security’s got two blokes and a fax machine left. Call ‘em up and you’re on hold longer than your average Tory prime minister. I told my mate this, and he just shrugs and says, “Government’s too big anyway.” I says, “So’s your sister, but we’re not firing her, are we?”

 

And let’s not forget the pardons. Over fifteen hundred Jan 6th rioters get a free pass. Some of ‘em were throwing punches at coppers and pinching loafs on the Capitol carpet, but yeah, let’s let ’em out, shall we? I says, “If that were black or brown people doing the same, you’d be calling for a drone strike.” He says, “They were patriots.” I says, “Patriots? Mate, they were pretending to be the Founding Fathers with less hygiene and more meth.”

 

Now the free speech bit. Trump’s locking up students for protesting, deporting ‘em for waving a placard. Bloke says, “Well, they shouldn’t be causing trouble.” I says, “Causing trouble? My gran causes more trouble at bingo when someone nicks her lucky chair.” They’ll scream about freedom until someone says something they don’t like, then suddenly it’s “Get him out, he’s Antifa!”

 

Trump’s pulled the plug on international human rights groups too. Says the UN’s too “globalist.” Of course it’s global, mate, it’s the bloody United Nations. What did you think it was, the Nebraska Neighbourhood Watch?

 

Now here’s where it gets spicy. Trump’s going full Bond villain with the revenge tour. Anyone who criticises him gets their security clearance pulled faster than a pint in East London. He’s got a hit list longer than my Auntie Sue’s credit card debt. Lawyers, advisors, probably his dogwalker if he even had one. I tells me mate, “That’s not leadership, that’s a tantrum with executive power.”

 

And the crypto, don’t even get me started. TrumpCoin, or $TRUMP or whatever it is. You buy a bag of digital Monopoly money and if you spend enough, you get to meet the man himself. Probably in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. I says, “Mate, this ain’t a president, this is a car boot sale with a wig.”

 

Lastly, he’s cut funding to anything that smells even vaguely helpful. Schools, gone. Environment, axed. Foreign aid, slashed. Bloke tells me, “We’ve gotta focus on America.” I says, “You’ve focused so hard you’ve cross-eyed the entire country.” You can’t read, you can’t breathe, and you can’t travel, but sure, let’s build another golf course and fund it with NFTs.

 

So yeah, Trump supporters say they love freedom. But from where I’m standing, they’ve cancelled everything except delusion. Sanity? Gone. Reality? Dead. Basic human decency? Vanished like a hot plate of fish and chips.

 

They don’t want a government. They want a soap opera. Only difference is, EastEnders has better acting and fewer Nazis.

Dam son, almost TLDR but your prose is intriguingly engaging and I can't stop reading 😎

Bob, how much do they pay for this drivel?

Never mind Evenkeel. Love it!

Normally, if it’s more than three lines long, I won’t read it. But I just love this guys posts and the phrases he drums up …the bit about the guys sister …brilliant…