Stuck With Someone Irresponsible and lazy – How Do You Leave Without Guilt When Dogs?

[falangUK]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been stuck in a draining, dysfunctional relationship for almost 13 years, and I don’t know how to get out without feeling guilty—mainly because of the 14 dogs we live with. The truth is, I’m the only one who actually cares for them. I cook for them, clean up after them, prep their food daily, and do all the real work. She just lives in the same space.

 

This partner of mine is lazy, uneducated, irresponsible with money, and emotionally checked out. I’ve sponsored multiple things over the years—guesthouses, her spending, daily expenses—and she’s managed to run everything into the ground. She hoards clothes, handbags, and dogs while expecting me to keep everything afloat. The place is filthy, rat-infested, chaotic—and I’ve tolerated it far too long.

 

While I’m at home scrubbing floors and feeding dogs, she’s out with her friends 8 to 10 hours a day—BBQs, parties, hikes, shopping—then comes home late. When she is home, she’s glued to her phone, scrolling YouTube and Facebook while the TV blasts Thai soap operas in the background. It’s mind-numbing. She contributes nothing meaningful and expects everything.

 

There’s no real communication. When I’m sick, she doesn’t even notice—no help, no care, nothing. But if *she* needs something? I’m expected to drop everything and pay, fix, or sort it. I know I sound like a real mug—and that’s probably because I am. I’ve been holding this mess together out of guilt and attachment to the dogs.

 

Now that I’ve finally refused to sponsor her anymore, she’s suddenly “looking for jobs”—or at least pretending to. The reality is, she’s extremely unlikely to get anything. She doesn’t even have the most basic qualifications, and even a waitress job is a long shot. And even if she does land something, it’s not going to sustain her lifestyle of parties, outings, and hoarding.

 

I know this is a self-created trap. I could walk away and have a more peaceful life elsewhere, but the dogs keep me rooted here. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do you leave a situation like this without abandoning the animals? How do you stop being the caretaker for someone who offers nothing in return?

 

Any insights or hard-earned advice would really help.

Thanks in advance.
 

[AnnaBanana]

It sounds like you've "gone to the dogs" in every conceivable sense of the term.

[topt]

6 hours ago, falangUK said:

I could walk away and have a more peaceful life elsewhere, but the dogs keep me rooted here.

Walk away and take the dogs with you?

[spidermike007]

Life is way, way too short to waste your remaining years with someone so unworthy. Get out now. Don't wait. Either with or without the dogs. Get out like your life depended upon it. 

[novacova]

Self preservation is paramount. Throw your stuff in the car, split and face the guilt or stay and deal with the insanity. Sometimes being stone cold hearted is the best medicine.

[Patong2021]

Who brought the dogs home? If it was you, it is your responsibility.

If it was not you, seek to rehome them animals elsewhere or take them with you.

If you cannot do that, and fear for their safety and well being, then you shall have to euthanize them.

[Yellowtail]

So you've used her up and now you want to move on, find something new, nice. 

[sidjameson]

Take 5 deep breaths. 5 seconds in. Hold. 10 seconds out. Hold

 

Ask yourself what advice you would give to someone in same situation. 

[proton]

14 dogs, why?

[pgrahmm]

Makes me thankful that my wife is 180' degrees different than your gal....

I "vetted" her for 3+ years before seriously commiting.....

[Pouatchee]

6 hours ago, falangUK said:

And even if she does land something, it’s not going to sustain her lifestyle of parties, outings, and hoarding.

 

if she actually lands something she might not have the time to do as you say she does

[AlexRich]

7 hours ago, falangUK said:

Hi everyone,

I’ve been stuck in a draining, dysfunctional relationship for almost 13 years, and I don’t know how to get out without feeling guilty—mainly because of the 14 dogs we live with. The truth is, I’m the only one who actually cares for them. I cook for them, clean up after them, prep their food daily, and do all the real work. She just lives in the same space.

 

This partner of mine is lazy, uneducated, irresponsible with money, and emotionally checked out. I’ve sponsored multiple things over the years—guesthouses, her spending, daily expenses—and she’s managed to run everything into the ground. She hoards clothes, handbags, and dogs while expecting me to keep everything afloat. The place is filthy, rat-infested, chaotic—and I’ve tolerated it far too long.

 

While I’m at home scrubbing floors and feeding dogs, she’s out with her friends 8 to 10 hours a day—BBQs, parties, hikes, shopping—then comes home late. When she is home, she’s glued to her phone, scrolling YouTube and Facebook while the TV blasts Thai soap operas in the background. It’s mind-numbing. She contributes nothing meaningful and expects everything.

 

There’s no real communication. When I’m sick, she doesn’t even notice—no help, no care, nothing. But if *she* needs something? I’m expected to drop everything and pay, fix, or sort it. I know I sound like a real mug—and that’s probably because I am. I’ve been holding this mess together out of guilt and attachment to the dogs.

 

Now that I’ve finally refused to sponsor her anymore, she’s suddenly “looking for jobs”—or at least pretending to. The reality is, she’s extremely unlikely to get anything. She doesn’t even have the most basic qualifications, and even a waitress job is a long shot. And even if she does land something, it’s not going to sustain her lifestyle of parties, outings, and hoarding.

 

I know this is a self-created trap. I could walk away and have a more peaceful life elsewhere, but the dogs keep me rooted here. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do you leave a situation like this without abandoning the animals? How do you stop being the caretaker for someone who offers nothing in return?

 

Any insights or hard-earned advice would really help.

Thanks in advance.
 

I think you have to leave and not look back. The dogs should not be your primary concern, in this situation you need to look out for yourself. 
 

Good luck.

[gargamon]

More AI generated drivel.

[Cameroni]

7 hours ago, falangUK said:

Hi everyone,

I’ve been stuck in a draining, dysfunctional relationship for almost 13 years, and I don’t know how to get out without feeling guilty—mainly because of the 14 dogs we live with. The truth is, I’m the only one who actually cares for them. I cook for them, clean up after them, prep their food daily, and do all the real work. She just lives in the same space.

 

This partner of mine is lazy, uneducated, irresponsible with money, and emotionally checked out. I’ve sponsored multiple things over the years—guesthouses, her spending, daily expenses—and she’s managed to run everything into the ground. She hoards clothes, handbags, and dogs while expecting me to keep everything afloat. The place is filthy, rat-infested, chaotic—and I’ve tolerated it far too long.

 

While I’m at home scrubbing floors and feeding dogs, she’s out with her friends 8 to 10 hours a day—BBQs, parties, hikes, shopping—then comes home late. When she is home, she’s glued to her phone, scrolling YouTube and Facebook while the TV blasts Thai soap operas in the background. It’s mind-numbing. She contributes nothing meaningful and expects everything.

 

There’s no real communication. When I’m sick, she doesn’t even notice—no help, no care, nothing. But if *she* needs something? I’m expected to drop everything and pay, fix, or sort it. I know I sound like a real mug—and that’s probably because I am. I’ve been holding this mess together out of guilt and attachment to the dogs.

 

Now that I’ve finally refused to sponsor her anymore, she’s suddenly “looking for jobs”—or at least pretending to. The reality is, she’s extremely unlikely to get anything. She doesn’t even have the most basic qualifications, and even a waitress job is a long shot. And even if she does land something, it’s not going to sustain her lifestyle of parties, outings, and hoarding.

 

I know this is a self-created trap. I could walk away and have a more peaceful life elsewhere, but the dogs keep me rooted here. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do you leave a situation like this without abandoning the animals? How do you stop being the caretaker for someone who offers nothing in return?

 

Any insights or hard-earned advice would really help.

Thanks in advance.
 

 

How old is she, how old are you?

 

It sounds as if the dogs are your way to keep attached to her. You should get rid of the dogs, try and sell them and if that fails give them to a dog charity.

 

Then the hard process of rebuilding your life begins. Make sure you give nothing more to her, obviously ensure she cannot access your bank accounts or has anything else that can cause you issues.

 

It's really not worth sacrificing your life for a pack of dogs, btw, just as she isn't worth it.

[khunJam]

7 hours ago, falangUK said:

I know this is a self-created trap. I could walk away and have a more peaceful life elsewhere, but the dogs keep me rooted here. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do you leave a situation like this without abandoning the animals? How do you stop being the caretaker for someone who offers nothing in return?

This “self created trap” as you describe is a psychological trap that needs to be re-thought out. I never been in such of a relationship but have been in situations where I needed to do a mind reset of psychologically preparing for the next phase and implementing the execution of it. If you overthink about the situation then you’ll probably remain overwhelmed. Or, as others have mentioned, be decisive grab your personal belongings and bolt on out of there ASAP and save yourself.

[it is what it is]

 

i wouldn't worry, i'm sure she'll be happy to see the back of you

[chickenslegs]

Dogs are far more adaptable to their current situation than you think. They will find their way to survive without you.

 

Get out of your "dysfunctional relationship" asap and look after yourself. The dogs will be fine.

[Celsius]

Okay, so apparently my dating profile in the ASEAN forum is comedy gold. They're all chuckling because I have this tiny preference for partners with a job. Little do they know, my decade-plus in Thailand was basically a solo vacation funded by my significant other. Pure bliss! Fast forward to Canada, and suddenly I'm not just a partner, I'm a human bladder escort. This woman needs me for everything. It's less "happily ever after" and more "24/7 stage five clinger crisis." Send help... and maybe a job application.
 

[riclag]

6 hours ago, AnnaBanana said:

It sounds like you've "gone to the dogs" in every conceivable sense of the term.

My once best friend had a GF by the name of Annabanana. They both shared a apartment with his dog named Bitc& . No sarcasm intended!

 

[spidermike007]

4 hours ago, AlexRich said:

I think you have to leave and not look back. The dogs should not be your primary concern, in this situation you need to look out for yourself. 
 

Good luck.

I completely agree. I know so many people who have allowed themselves to become martyrs over their dogs and cats. I get the attachment but please, sometimes you just have to get on with life. 

[KhunLA]

Take a holiday, for a couple weeks or a month.   With any luck, the dogs will eliminate the problem, as they'll be hungry, sooner or later 

[save the frogs]

This story is bs.

No one in their right mind keeps 14 dogs.

rat-infested? really? that bad, huh?

 

[thesetat]

If your story is true. and this is a very strong IF. Sounds like you created your own monster. By the first year together you should have seen what type of woman she is and how she and either straightened out the situation then. By not doing anything and supporting that, you encouraged it to become what it is now. Take responsibility. 13 years together and you owe her something for wasting all that time with you and not getting on with her life that way she could have. 

If you do not like it now. slap yourself for allowing it to get that way. For allowing her to hoard all those things and especially about the dogs. It si a good thing you now have to clean up the mess you created and allowed and nourished. 

If you dump her, give her support and move on. Just remember that those 14 dogs will still be crapping everywhere and you will still be on the floor scrubbing it. Because this is the situation you created and encouraged. 

Any man that allowed something like this to happen deserves what he gets. 

You can not say you permitted and wallowed in her crap because of love or sex or even to keep the relationship going. You had other reasons as well that seemed more important than living in a clean home with a wife or woman that ignored you. 

[impulse]

Change the locks when she's "out with her friends".

 

You're welcome.

 

 

[garygooner]

19 hours ago, falangUK said:

The place is filthy, rat-infested, chaotic—and I’ve tolerated it far too long.

Sounds too bad to be true. 

[CHdiver]

 

20 hours ago, falangUK said:

This partner of mine is lazy, uneducated, irresponsible with money, and emotionally checked out.

I guess she is like that since 13 years. Looks like you are a slow learner. However, I think you earned a better life then the one you have now. Move out, if she did buy the dogs (wtf 14, are you crazy) they are clearly her problem. Walk, run and start new.

However, if you did buy the dogs (wtf 14, are you crazy) you will have to take them with you. But still walk, run and start new.

[Magictoad]

Euthanasia for the dogs. And tell her she's got the same coming if she doesn't eff off.

You sound like a victim of your self inflicted problems.

14 dogs!. I mean really!

[Moonlover]

 

[Mavideol]

20 hours ago, falangUK said:

Hi everyone,

I’ve been stuck in a draining, dysfunctional relationship for almost 13 years, and I don’t know how to get out without feeling guilty—mainly because of the 14 dogs we live with. The truth is, I’m the only one who actually cares for them. I cook for them, clean up after them, prep their food daily, and do all the real work. She just lives in the same space.

 

This partner of mine is lazy, uneducated, irresponsible with money, and emotionally checked out. I’ve sponsored multiple things over the years—guesthouses, her spending, daily expenses—and she’s managed to run everything into the ground. She hoards clothes, handbags, and dogs while expecting me to keep everything afloat. The place is filthy, rat-infested, chaotic—and I’ve tolerated it far too long.

 

While I’m at home scrubbing floors and feeding dogs, she’s out with her friends 8 to 10 hours a day—BBQs, parties, hikes, shopping—then comes home late. When she is home, she’s glued to her phone, scrolling YouTube and Facebook while the TV blasts Thai soap operas in the background. It’s mind-numbing. She contributes nothing meaningful and expects everything.

 

There’s no real communication. When I’m sick, she doesn’t even notice—no help, no care, nothing. But if *she* needs something? I’m expected to drop everything and pay, fix, or sort it. I know I sound like a real mug—and that’s probably because I am. I’ve been holding this mess together out of guilt and attachment to the dogs.

 

Now that I’ve finally refused to sponsor her anymore, she’s suddenly “looking for jobs”—or at least pretending to. The reality is, she’s extremely unlikely to get anything. She doesn’t even have the most basic qualifications, and even a waitress job is a long shot. And even if she does land something, it’s not going to sustain her lifestyle of parties, outings, and hoarding.

 

I know this is a self-created trap. I could walk away and have a more peaceful life elsewhere, but the dogs keep me rooted here. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do you leave a situation like this without abandoning the animals? How do you stop being the caretaker for someone who offers nothing in return?

 

Any insights or hard-earned advice would really help.

Thanks in advance.
 

and it took you 13 years to see that, sure you must have had signs of what was coming and you ignored them

[MalcolmB]

20 hours ago, falangUK said:

The reality is, she’s extremely unlikely to get anything. She doesn’t even have the most basic qualifications, and even a waitress job is a long shot. And even if she does land something, it’s not going to sustain her lifestyle of parties, outings, and hoarding.

What was she working as when you met her?