Right lads, so there I am, mindin’ me own bizz in that roadside kebab shop on BuaKhao, across the road from that ladyboy bar, you know the one, with the dodgy neon sign half hanging off like it’s had too many Chang beers. I’m just sittin’ there on this little metal stool at the counter facin’ the road, kebab in one hand, mushy chips in the other, watchin’ the circus go by like it’s me own personal live episode of EastEnders.

 

Suddenly, some geezer strolls past with his tart on his arm. She clocks me, gives it the cheeky wink and a smile, proper confident too. So I give her a nod and a grin back, polite like, as you do. I don’t really recognise her face but, bein’ honest, I reckon we might’ve had a go together once, back in the haze somewhere. Can’t be sure. Pattaya’s like that, innit. Half the time you don’t know if you’ve bumped uglies with someone or just dreamt it after too many sangsom buckets.

 

Anyway, this mug ain’t havin’ it. Starts puffin’ up like a pigeon on heat, tellin’ me I’m tryna nick his missus. I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, Bruv, I’m tryna nick me chilli sauce, not your rent-a-girlfriend. So I tell him straight, calm, like a gentleman, “Mate, in Pattaya, you don’t lose the girl, you just lose your turn.” Simple economics. But nah, this plank don’t get it. Wants to have a tear-up outside the kebab shop over a bird that’s probably got a loyalty card at every short-time hotel on Walking Street.

 

You can’t make this sh*te up. I’m sittin’ there with garlic sauce drippin’ on me shorts, chips half cold, listenin’ to this plonker defend his missus’ honour like she ain’t been ridin’ more bikes than Grab delivery. Blokes like him come here thinkin’ they’ve pulled the love of their life, meanwhile she’s clockin’ overtime harder than a nurse on New Year’s Eve.

 

I finished me kebab, wiped me hands down me shirt, stood up, and just smiled at him like, “Mate, enjoy your evening, yeah?” Walked off into the night, belly full, dignity intact, leavin’ him standin’ there like a bloke who’s just realised his Rolex is fake, his bird’s even faker, and his Pattaya dream’s about as real as a ladyboy’s cleavage.

 

Standard Friday evenin', yeah mates.

When you rent you are paying someone's else mortgage.

11 hours ago, Lewie London said:

You can’t make this sh*te up.

that should be on your epitaph 

Your authentic Rolex must have entranced her Bob!

3 minutes ago, tjintx said:

Your authentic Rolex must have entranced her Bob!

 

This isn't Bob. Original Bob had style. This is just the same old same old.

Back in the day, there was a ladyboy bar near the Mermaids Dive Center on Soi Whitehouse in Jomtien. One day as us Instructor trainees were waiting for the baht bus to arrive to load with equipment, this one particularly ugly ladyboy walked past us with a very drunken customer in tow. Now, we labeled this lb "Shrek" as the ugly was strong with that one - didn't even try to hide the wadded up toilet paper he/she was using to pad the halter top. S/He leaned back, looked us all straight in the eye, and gave us a huge "wink" knowing she had caught a live one. We had a great laugh over that, Shrek was ugly but a good sport.

 

As you said, "You can’t make this sh*te up."

Same old,same old and boring style everyday from this wanna be comedian.  Boring.

Only a hooker winks at other punters when they are with one, only uneducated plebs take the bait and acknowledge her...she was playing you and him, her panties getting wet while watching you both...you have been played mate, live and learn 

8 hours ago, Lewie London said:

Right lads, so there I am

Oh, goodie, another short story from Lewie 👍

 

I'm sure there's website out there to publish these short stories, Lewie would make a fortune with all his creative writing. 

 

Lots of bored people in this world, looking for something in their life to pass the time. 

 

 

 

9 hours ago, Lewie London said:

 

Anyway, this mug ain’t havin’ it. Starts puffin’ up like a pigeon on heat, tellin’ me I’m tryna nick his missus. I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, Bruv, I’m tryna nick me chilli sauce, not your rent-a-girlfriend. So I tell him straight, calm, like a gentleman, “Mate, in Pattaya, you don’t lose the girl, you just lose your turn.” Simple economics. But nah, this plank don’t get it. Wants to have a tear-up outside the kebab shop over a bird that’s probably got a loyalty card at every short-time hotel on Walking Street.

 

 

Pretty good stuff mate! So funny, exactly on the money. Just lose your turn! classic!

52 minutes ago, theshu25 said:

Same old,same old and boring style everyday from this wanna be comedian.  Boring.

 

If it hits home and you were the "bloke" at one time, then it aint' funny init?

11 hours ago, blaze master said:

 

This isn't Bob. Original Bob had style. This is just the same old same old.

The original Bob was a raving lunatic and still is now.

Just now, wavodavo said:

The original Bob was a raving lunatic and still is now.

 

A lunatic with style. 

The thumbs down people should get a life.

'Walked off into the night, belly full, dignity intact'

 

- you mean you shat yourself and scarpered off like a little bitch

4 hours ago, baansgr said:

Only a hooker winks at other punters when they are with one, only uneducated plebs take the bait and acknowledge her...she was playing you and him, her panties getting wet while watching you both...you have been played mate, live and learn 

 

Grotesque 

5 hours ago, baansgr said:

Only a hooker winks at other punters when they are with one, only uneducated plebs take the bait and acknowledge her...she was playing you and him, her panties getting wet while watching you both...you have been played mate, live and learn 

I especially like the ones that call you up and want to visit... every time their boyfriend/partner goes out of town for a day or two.

This is funny, but I'm guessing it didn't happen.

 

It's kinda rare a rental will give you more than a quick eye, rarely a smile precisely for this reason. If she's caught out the punter isn't gonna be happy and that might result in the end of the torrid $love$ affair then and there.

 

My experience in bars on lower Sukhumvit is they wait till he's gone off to the head to get flirty. Dunno about Pattaya not lived there 20 years. Imagine nothing changed in that respect

5 hours ago, StandardIssue said:

Just lose your turn!

 

As old as the hills

15 hours ago, blaze master said:

 

This isn't Bob. Original Bob had style. This is just the same old same old.

Haven't you realised that this is most probably AI-generated?

I have nothing against cockneys - I was descended from them - but cockneys don't typically have perfect punctuation and spelling (even the onomatopeic 'tryna' is a good representation of the slang).

Someone is having fun with you all.
 

8 hours ago, baansgr said:

Only a hooker winks at other punters when they are with one, only uneducated plebs take the bait and acknowledge her...she was playing you and him, her panties getting wet while watching you both...you have been played mate, live and learn 

Looks like you're the one who took the bait. It's a windup, bro. Lol. 😂 

 

1 hour ago, FriscoKid said:

Looks like you're the one who took the bait. It's a windup, bro. Lol. 😂 

 

No.. never 

18 hours ago, blaze master said:

 

This isn't Bob. Original Bob had style. This is just the same old same old.

It is spot on. Can imagine that other "renters" don't like it.

16 minutes ago, FritsSikkink said:

It is spot on. Can imagine that other "renters" don't like it.

 

I wasn't talking about spot on or not. Im referring to the same old same old writing. Its lacking. 

In the humid backstreets of Bangkok, a one-armed, toothless ladyboy named Somchai stunned a rowdy British tourist who’d been loudly mocking locals outside a noodle stall. With unexpected speed and balance, Somchai dodged a drunken punch, spun with dancer-like grace, and landed a flying knee to the Brit’s gut, sending him crashing into a pile of empty crates. The crowd roared in disbelief, not just at the spectacle, but at the dignity with which Somchai dusted herself off, winked, and limped back to her soup without missing a beat.

10 hours ago, baansgr said:

Only a hooker winks at other punters when they are with one, only uneducated plebs take the bait and acknowledge her...she was playing you and him, her panties getting wet while watching you both...you have been played mate, live and learn 

🎣 hook,line and sinker, you've been smoking too much weed.

19 hours ago, blaze master said:

 

This isn't Bob. Original Bob had style. This is just the same old same old.

Wrong.

The old Bob posted ramblings about how rich he was, how he was doing business in HK, how many condos he “owned” etc.

Lewie’s posts are erudite and nowhere near the low level of those of Bob the bore.

 I do however agree that he’s (Bob) back on AN with another moniker similar to the unmissed susanlea.

Whaf a load of drivel, clearly thinks hes hilarious when the opposite it true

 

1 hour ago, roo860 said:

🎣 hook,line and sinker, you've been smoking too much weed.

Touche

I like Lewie’s posts, he brings a touch of humour to this dull and desperate forum we inhabit.

Obviously they are not verbatim, they might resemble loosely some event that Lewie recently witnessed, or just a work of pure fiction spinning in Lewie’s head.

Either way those posters who are getting all worked up because they don’t believe the story should return to their worshipping/bashing of the big orange one !!

 

Let Lewie London continue to entertain us with his expat tales ….. much prefer him to that sad sack with the same initials !!