This is going to sound over the top and made up. I assure you, it is not.

I have two very expensive American Standard toilets in my bathrooms, and the way they flush is baffling. When I hit the lever, the water forms a dramatic whirlpool with a hollow tunnel in the center. The turd gets sucked into the vortex, slides neatly into the tunnel, and then stands upright like it is saluting me during the entire undertaking. The water disappears… and then the turd is triumphantly jettisoned back into the bowl.

Nine times out of ten it refuses to go down.

I have adjusted the tank to use the maximum amount of water possible. No difference. It often takes two or three flushes to finish the job. If I forget to go back to re-flush after the tank refills, the survivor can sit there for hours, slowly dissolving, perfuming up the bathroom, and leaving a charming brown residue on the surface of the bowl once I finally flush it all down.

I genuinely do not understand what is happening. Is it the toilet design? Water pressure? Some kind of porcelain curse?

I would post a video as proof of my dilemma, but I suspect that would end my forum career overnight.

All I know is this. For the price I paid, I expected a throne. What I got was a competitive arena where the turd wins most of the matches.

Sounds like you are experiencing a severe brown out. I would call in emergency services.

Cess tank full, or not properly vented, can cause this.

Or, you might want to check your diet if your turds are too buoyant.

4 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

Cess tank full, or not properly vented, can cause this.

I live on a high floor in a condo.

4 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

Or, you might want to check your diet if your turds are too buoyant.

I've never heard of an anti-buoyant turd diet.

Can you modify the bum gun to emit a narrow jet? Or clench occasionally?

Try dropping a dishwasher tablet in the bowl overnight.

2 minutes ago, Alpha84 said:

I live on a high floor in a condo.

Maybe a blockage or restriction in the pipes. Ask your admin to find a plumber.

Close the the top lid before you flush and see what happens. Let the tank refill before you check. Good luck.

I can honestly say I don’t think the OP is sh*tting anyone.

13 minutes ago, BilllyGOAT said:

I can honestly say I don’t think the OP is sh*tting anyone.

I s**t you not.

3 minutes ago, blaze master said:

I s**t you not.

I agree, it seems to all end up in the bowl at least. If it didn’t then that could turn out to be a very different problem. I think about how many times I’ve read about a blumpkin gone wrong.

1 hour ago, Alpha84 said:

Nine times out of ten it refuses to go down.

Then why don’t you crap in a bucket and toss it out the window…

1 minute ago, novacova said:

Then why don’t you crap in a bucket and toss it out the window…

But does he have a pot to piss in ? 😆

8 minutes ago, blaze master said:

But does he have a pot to piss in ? 😆

No, just open the window and take a whizz.

The turd that wouldn’t leave… At first I read the title and thought you were talking about one of the members that everyone loves so much.

40 minutes ago, novacova said:

No, just open the window and take a whizz.

Hopefully no wind gusts happen.

I have experienced the same problem myself but at the time, some of my turds resembled one of Mike Tyson's arms.

31 minutes ago, 123Stodg said:

The turd that wouldn’t leave… At first I read the title and thought you were talking about one of the members that everyone loves so much.

Ha ha. That was my immediate thought as well. Thought he might have taken the hint after his reputation had hit minus numbers.

6 hours ago, Alpha84 said:

This is going to sound over the top and made up. I assure you, it is not.

I have two very expensive American Standard toilets in my bathrooms, and the way they flush is baffling. When I hit the lever, the water forms a dramatic whirlpool with a hollow tunnel in the center. The turd gets sucked into the vortex, slides neatly into the tunnel, and then stands upright like it is saluting me during the entire undertaking. The water disappears… and then the turd is triumphantly jettisoned back into the bowl.

Nine times out of ten it refuses to go down.

I have adjusted the tank to use the maximum amount of water possible. No difference. It often takes two or three flushes to finish the job. If I forget to go back to re-flush after the tank refills, the survivor can sit there for hours, slowly dissolving, perfuming up the bathroom, and leaving a charming brown residue on the surface of the bowl once I finally flush it all down.

I genuinely do not understand what is happening. Is it the toilet design? Water pressure? Some kind of porcelain curse?

I would post a video as proof of my dilemma, but I suspect that would end my forum career overnight.

All I know is this. For the price I paid, I expected a throne. What I got was a competitive arena where the turd wins most of the matches.

Nothing worse than a floater that won't flush

42 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

Nothing worse than a floater that won't flush

It is indeed a sizable matter.

I'm guessing you use the bum gun. Try throwing a wad of toilet paper over the turd before flushing. It may help clog up the vortex allowing the water to drain down without that air pocket in the middle.

39 minutes ago, ColeBOzbourne said:

Try throwing a wad of toilet paper over the turd before flushing

Sounds like the way to go. Lower it in slowly from a crane for better precision.

13 hours ago, novacova said:

Then why don’t you crap in a bucket and toss it out the window…

"Um, well, what we are talking about in privy terms is the latest in front wall fresh air orifices combined with a wide capacity gutter installation below."

Have you tried poking it with a stick?

Switching to a low carb diet will result in it coming out like soft-serve ice cream. Passing huge logs like you are doing isn't natural, and bad for the environment.

18 minutes ago, davb said:

Switching to a low carb diet will result in it coming out like soft-serve ice cream. Passing huge logs like you are doing isn't natural, and bad for the environment.

Let me tell you something about my turds, tremendous turds, by the way. The best turds. People come up to me all the time, they say, “Sir, your turds are incredible, nobody’s ever seen anything like them.” And I say, “Thank you, I know.” Because they are. They’re huge. Massive. Like, you look at other people’s turds, sad! Tiny little things, weak, low-energy. Mine? Perfect. Beautiful. Golden, almost. People are saying I produce the most magnificent bowel movements in the history of this country. Maybe the world. Possibly the universe. That's what the best people say.

And the smell? Folks, the aroma, strong. Very strong. Powerful. You walk into the bathroom after I’ve been in there, it’s like walking into a morgue, but better. People are stunned. They can’t believe it. “How does he do it?” they ask. Simple. Tremendous genetics. Great genes. My father had fantastic turds, nobody talks about that, but it’s true. Very classy turds. And I inherited them, big league.

The consistency? Flawless. Not too hard, not too soft, perfect. Just the right amount of heft. You could practically frame it. I’ve had people, very smart people, the best doctors, say, “Sir, this is the most impressive specimen we’ve ever analyzed.” And I said, “I could’ve told you that.” Because I know. I know more about turds than anybody. More than the so-called experts. They don’t know anything.

And the volume, unbelievable. Record-breaking. We’re talking 747 airplane sized production. Other guys, they go in there, two little rabbit pellets, pathetic. Me? Landslide. Tidal wave. It’s like Niagara Falls, but brown and majestic. People are saying it’s a miracle. A beautiful, beautiful miracle.

The best part? No wiping needed. Almost none. One little pass, barely anything. Clean as a whistle. That’s winning. That’s efficiency. That’s what happens when you eat the best food, steak, well-done of course, with ketchup, people laugh, but it’s true, and you have the best digestive system. Top of the line. Custom made. Nobody digests like me.

So yeah, my turds? Fantastic. The greatest. People are saying they should be in a museum. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America, and its unbelievable, yuge, perfect turds. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Can't you help it on it's way by pushing it with your hand?

10 hours ago, simon43 said:

Can't you help it on it's way by pushing it with your hand?

One hand on the flush lever, the other one holding my bait and tackle to make sure they don't get sucked into the whirlpool of spinning water. No more free hands.

1 hour ago, Alpha84 said:

One hand on the flush lever, the other one holding my bait and tackle to make sure they don't get sucked into the whirlpool of spinning water. No more free hands.

You are still sitting on the loo when you flush it?? That sounds weird.....

15 hours ago, Alpha84 said:

Let me tell you something about my turds, tremendous turds, by the way. The best turds. People come up to me all the time, they say, “Sir, your turds are incredible, nobody’s ever seen anything like them.” And I say, “Thank you, I know.” Because they are. They’re huge. Massive. Like, you look at other people’s turds, sad! Tiny little things, weak, low-energy. Mine? Perfect. Beautiful. Golden, almost. People are saying I produce the most magnificent bowel movements in the history of this country. Maybe the world. Possibly the universe. That's what the best people say.

And the smell? Folks, the aroma, strong. Very strong. Powerful. You walk into the bathroom after I’ve been in there, it’s like walking into a morgue, but better. People are stunned. They can’t believe it. “How does he do it?” they ask. Simple. Tremendous genetics. Great genes. My father had fantastic turds, nobody talks about that, but it’s true. Very classy turds. And I inherited them, big league.

The consistency? Flawless. Not too hard, not too soft, perfect. Just the right amount of heft. You could practically frame it. I’ve had people, very smart people, the best doctors, say, “Sir, this is the most impressive specimen we’ve ever analyzed.” And I said, “I could’ve told you that.” Because I know. I know more about turds than anybody. More than the so-called experts. They don’t know anything.

And the volume, unbelievable. Record-breaking. We’re talking 747 airplane sized production. Other guys, they go in there, two little rabbit pellets, pathetic. Me? Landslide. Tidal wave. It’s like Niagara Falls, but brown and majestic. People are saying it’s a miracle. A beautiful, beautiful miracle.

The best part? No wiping needed. Almost none. One little pass, barely anything. Clean as a whistle. That’s winning. That’s efficiency. That’s what happens when you eat the best food, steak, well-done of course, with ketchup, people laugh, but it’s true, and you have the best digestive system. Top of the line. Custom made. Nobody digests like me.

So yeah, my turds? Fantastic. The greatest. People are saying they should be in a museum. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America, and its unbelievable, yuge, perfect turds. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Refreshing to hear someone owning up to their coprophilia.

6 hours ago, simon43 said:

You are still sitting on the loo when you flush it?? That sounds weird.....

I honestly s++t you not.