To Tell Or Not To Tell

[ozzy111]

assuming that this is more than just a short term fling on her part then i think he should be told , how you go about doing it without getting yourself into trouble with other locals is the hard part.

you could be saving him a lot of trouble down the line.

you need to be very very sure of your facts before you consider doing anything......and be sure that this guy will thank you for the information and not punch you in the face.

I agree it's a hard to know what to do.

[ozzy111]

Very dangerous ground, you could toally isolate yourself or even worse. If the guy is so stupid to pour money in then he is gullible and no amount of "wink wink know what I mean" will change his mind.

It really annoys me that there are so many stupid, niaive, ignorant brain dead men around who fall for the first smile etc etc

Yer i must admit it could be abit of a worry if her husband and his mate take it the wrong way and then decide to take it out on me if you get my meaning.

[ozzy111]

try and find out if he has an e mail then get a unconnected third part y drop him a line as a "concerned" countryman.

Good call, I think that is the best option at least that way I'd know did something at least without my wife looseing face or worse if it got out I told him.

[Mighty Mouse]

First of all, how good is your proof that his wife is playing the funky chicken behind her Farang husbands' back?

If the proof is not water tight, stay out of it.

.... he dos'nt live in Thailand full time but he is planning on moving over next year.

If you have the proof and can contact him in Farangland, then tell him.

Be prepared to sell your own house if you do. Once the wife finds out that you are the informer, your house could become a pile of cinders.

[ozzy111]

Here we go (crack knuckles)

Firstly, if the OP returns to just check the results without further comments that will give some indication of the validity of the situation.

Secondly, notwithstanding the validity of this individual situation, this particular scenario has happened many times, I know of at least three instances myself.

The primary consideration should be 'is it fact or is it gossip?' ...... if it is just pure speculation and associated rumours that are always banded around, just ignore it (did you know that one of the girls from a local karaoke bar comes to my house at 3am some nights..... it was news to me)

Drilling down, if it is actually happening and you are 100% sure of that, do you get involved?

Directly involved, never..... if you do that one of two things will happen. 1. he will not believe you and it will never be mentioned again to anyone (in denial or not, it doesn't matter) 2. he may half believe you and then question his wife, who will extract out of him the source of the info, that would be when the fun starts, but I doubt anyone will be laughing.

So, should he know? ...... if it is just gossip, no. If it's much more than gossip, yes.

Should you tell him? ..... never, not under any circumstances, including getting a bit drunk with him and trying to discuss the plot line of 9 1/2 weeks.

So how does he find out? ...... tough one, unfortunately, any attempts at leaving secret notes in badly written English on his doorstep or slipping the odd revealing photo into his pocket when he isn't looking, will probably work, but you will be the prime suspect for doing it.

Will he find out eventually? ..... yes, when the house is finished and there is a pick-up on the driveway.

Is there any justice? ..... of course, when she realises that all she has is bricks and mortar but no money to pay for its upkeep, nothing in the fridge but water, a hunk of tin that she can't afford to run and the Thai husband has beggared off with a later model that is possibly repeating the same process, and hopefully, the farang in question will have the good sense not to do the same thing again, and the ability to rebuild his life if it wasn't money and time he could afford to waste.

Well put, This is fact when he returns home after a long holiday with her the husband comes back out of the woodwork and they resume living as husband and wife again. I have also seen it happen a few times but not quite like this and never when I have had the opportunity to prevent it happening from the start. I agree with you I carnt let him know directly and I dont want my family involved thats for sure.

[dsfbrit]

Good Heavens, are you mad

I have just come back from my wife's village in Mukdahan. She is there for a month looking after her mum. I met everyone in the village I reckon, they all came for a chat with the 'Farang Husband'. Everyone there seemed to know everyone else and knew all their problems etc...

The last thing you need to do as Farang living amongst them- is stick your nose into their business!

Do you really think that this girl and her Thai 'spouse' will just forgive you and your life will go an as before.

Keep out of it. There is a chance the Farrang won't thank you anyway. I had a similar problem with a good friend who was involved with a 'dodgy' Thai girl. I told him what she was up to with some other Farang. She was also lying about some business debt she had. He eventually dropped her, after all kinds of questioning and the use of a Private detective. He is still quite cool towards me - I think he blames me in some ways - sadly the saying 'don't shoot the messenger' can be ignored!!

Good Luck

Edited June 9, 2008 by dsfbrit

[rockyysdt]

These situations are hard to judge and sometimes ignorance is bliss. The guy and this Thai woman might have many happy years in front of them despite her little fling. Wouldn't it be a shame to destroy it. Of course, she might just be chuck him after she gets the big house.

Hi garro.

Do you think the odds of attaining many happy years isn't very probable?

Would there be as many Farang/Thai marriages, if there was no significant financial/economic gain to be had?

Are Farang/Thai marriages with significant age differences an indicator that the lady has gone for economic improvement over ideal love?

I can see a number of scenarios:

• Thai girl truly in love with her farang husband.
  
• Thai girl not in love with her farang husband, but values economic prosperity for her family above all else and lives a selfless life.
  
• Thai girl not in love with her farang husband, but values economic prosperity for her family above all else and fools around.
  
• Thai girl not in love with her farang husband, but values economic prosperity and plans to scam her husband.
  

My neighbour (farang) has been cleaned out by his wife (farang) of 12 years.

She never worked one day during their relationship and after having two children said, "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

She took the house, the kids, and now receives a packet in weekly alimony.

She threw their wedding album in the bin.

He said to me: "You live with someone for many years but you don't really know them".

How much is the OP sinking into this new house (Millions)? Given the difficulty of successful marriage anyway, if you throw in a significant age difference, and minimal time together (international relationship, mostly spent in holiday made), what are the OP's chances of many happy years?

If he's successful, at what cost has it been to the selfless wife?

I'm open to any comments, as I also face such a dilemma!

Regarding whether to inform on the cheating wife, that's a tough one. You'd have to have concrete evidence to begin with.

Edited June 9, 2008 by rockyysdt

[billd766]

Horrible situation- you're damned if you do anf damned if you don't.

Hands up on the board who ever even had to tell a close friend about these situations. You are not always greeted in the spirit that you have told even with good friends.

On the other hand can you stand by and watch someone flush their financial and emotional well-being down the toilet?

Self-preservation though should be your number one worry, and you do sound very close to your own doorstep. I advise against doing anything that is going to rebound on you from any source.

I hope it works out OK for you.

Based on experience of having faced a similar situation or predicament with a friend in UK married to a thai lady. The guy may well not belive what he is told and stick his head in the sand like an ostrich and the lady in question will convince him that you lied and should not be spoken to again. Better to keep out of it and resist all urge to let him know. If he is gullible enough not to see the signs himself then let him loose the money.

We thought we were doing someone a good turn letting a nice guy know what his wife was upto no good and the whole thing was turned inside out, upside down until we were the guilty parties. In these instances better to be a spectator.

Speaking from personal experience in Thailand I DID tell my friend what was going on and yes while I did not have 100% proof my wife and a lot of other people did know.

I told him and there was an instant stoppage of money coming in to the wife which eased after a while. He came out 4 months later and talked to his wife who told him the whole story (her version) and whilst he was there for a month he only spoke to me 2 or 3 times and believed her as he didnt want to get confused. We have spoken a couple of times since in a civilised fashion but that is about all. More than 10 years of friendship down the tubes and for what?

I stood to gain nothing by telling him and I lost his friendship.

My loss but perhaps if she does it again (and she probably will) I will not tell him anything and perhaps he will learn the hard way.

Edited June 9, 2008 by billd766

[Shotime]

The last couple of posts I agree with. It's not that important what you have to gain by telling him (a good feeling that you tried to help someone?), but more important what you can lose (not necessarily just his friendship). It's difficult enough to try to tell someone anything. There are emotions involved here that I wouldn't go near. If you know him, I would just feel him out to see if he's in a dream or, maybe, he knows what up? Some strange dudes out there. Tell him about TV. There's plenty of stories he might find enlightening. Ozzy rules.

[ozzy111]

The last couple of posts I agree with. It's not that important what you have to gain by telling him (a good feeling that you tried to help someone?), but more important what you can lose (not necessarily just his friendship). It's difficult enough to try to tell someone anything. There are emotions involved here that I wouldn't go near. If you know him, I would just feel him out to see if he's in a dream or, maybe, he knows what up? Some strange dudes out there. Tell him about TV. There's plenty of stories he might find enlightening. Ozzy rules.

Thanks for the advice the more I read here the less I feel like telling him, like you say I really have nothing to gain from it and if it did get out it was me it could get really ugly.

[Gary A]

Long distance relationships are difficult if not impossible. When he returns for his visits, his little head is doing ALL the thinking. Chances are that he has already had many danger signs that he has chosen to ignore. As posted already, if there is a way to tell him anonymously, go ahead but I can assure you that you don't want to get in the middle of it.

[nev]

3 million in a isaan village that is big money,this thread has got troll written all over it.

i have been in a simular position but it was a land deal,falang visit 1st time with his tilac taken to sonme land and pays 3 times the price, i meet him he tells me what a deal he has got.

well i find out the land is already owned by the family,we go for a drive to look at land,useless for farming loads of chopped down trees on it,i have to bite my lip her papa is a big police chief i cannot say anything i dont want reprecusions, i just told him do some research and a week later i find out she has another falang who bought the d max for her.

i feal bad for him but i live the next village he is just a tourist i have to live there i dont want any problems.

[sibeymai]

If you want justification for telling him, look no further than googling "Dale Henry".

Agree that you need to do it anonymously.

[feffejonsson]

Buy a new SIM-card with a number no one knows and sms him the bad news.

It´s up to him to believe it or not. Then you have done more than enough and

if it leeds to their divorce it can never be traced back to you.

[maxjay]

try and find out if he has an e mail then get a unconnected third part y drop him a line as a "concerned" countryman.

Good call, I think that is the best option at least that way I'd know did something at least without my wife looseing face or worse if it got out I told him.

"One picture is worth a thousand words".

How do you know it's happening? Did you personally see her in the company of another man or is it village gossip?

If you can manage to get a photo...

[Thaicoon]

You are in a sticky situation, This has happened to myself, a guys wife in our village had a thai boyfriend, i actually told the guy his wife was screwing around, he got quite shirty and we ended up falling out, now the guy has lost 4 million baht and back in blighty, her mate, same village, ferang built her a nice bungalow and shop, she said bye ferang, and he went to the phillipines, she then got the bus to Pattaya with the other lady, found another guy, he has now moved in, bought her a new 4x4, unknown to him, her brother who is also living in the same abode, is really her thai boyfriend.

I think it is better to be truefull, you may loose a friend, if he does not listen he will know you were right one day.

[Shotime]

Sometimes, they do shoot the messenger.

[Lickey]

Like i said in post 25, turn things round so he asks you questions, and answer "i dont really know mate but ,,, ,,, , ," Tell him to "borrow " her ID card, get it photocopied and go to the local Amphur office, have it checked, or even ask her to do this, if she refuses, its time to clear off.

[fruity]

Well said Bina "unless he's your brother, don't get involved" Such situations are very difficult and telling him, in whatever way, is likely to cause you & your family grief.

There are two similar 'cases' in our village, I would just love to be able to take the farang involved aside & tell them that they are been 'played' by a pair of hardened Pattaya whores, however, they are big boys & have no one other than themselves to answer to & I don't want the aggro. I say leave well alone.

cause they ahvent read the million other threads that are about the same thing...

been hashed over and over pros and cons... from my woman's point of view, if he isnt your brother, dont get involved. if he is so dumb to not see it, then, nothing u will say or do will change his mind; and if he knows or suspects, then he will make his own decision anyway... never get in the middle.

[Lickey]

A few days ago i was talking with a euro falang about this, he said no problem, im married to 3 thai girls, they have good families with big houses and good jobs, no need to send money, i just let them know when in coming over, treat her and the family good, end of story,

Now theres a turnaround!!!

[coventry]

Don't bother saying anything as much as it will attack your concience. I did the same to Antraving8 in telling him his wife was seeing farangs behind his back. Would he have it ? No. These kind of people live in denial in that they're so in love with their partner they can't see the truth. Let them get on with it.

I have another guy who lives in the village who I believe knows his wife creams him off. Why does he allow it. Firstly he hasn't got the chance of pulling a woman with his Thai wifes attributes back home. Secondly he's burnt his bridges back home and commited himself to here and his wife knows this. Thirdly as long as she provides for him and looks after him in a way he couldn't get back home, he accepts it.

On top of this, if you tell him, your wife will be seen as the source of information even though she isn't, which will then put her in a bad spot with the locals.

I've been in your shoes Ozy111 you'll end up with egg on your face if you get involved.

[ozzy111]

try and find out if he has an e mail then get a unconnected third part y drop him a line as a "concerned" countryman.

Good call, I think that is the best option at least that way I'd know did something at least without my wife looseing face or worse if it got out I told him.

"One picture is worth a thousand words".

How do you know it's happening? Did you personally see her in the company of another man or is it village gossip?

If you can manage to get a photo...

I see her in the company of her thai husband almost every day when he go's back home to england the thai husband is back out of the woodwork again. I know what your saying but I don't think I want to be seen taking happy snaps of the couple though.

[ozzy111]

Don't bother saying anything as much as it will attack your concience. I did the same to Antraving8 in telling him his wife was seeing farangs behind his back. Would he have it ? No. These kind of people live in denial in that they're so in love with their partner they can't see the truth. Let them get on with it.

I have another guy who lives in the village who I believe knows his wife creams him off. Why does he allow it. Firstly he hasn't got the chance of pulling a woman with his Thai wifes attributes back home. Secondly he's burnt his bridges back home and commited himself to here and his wife knows this. Thirdly as long as she provides for him and looks after him in a way he couldn't get back home, he accepts it.

On top of this, if you tell him, your wife will be seen as the source of information even though she isn't, which will then put her in a bad spot with the locals.

I've been in your shoes Ozy111 you'll end up with egg on your face if you get involved.

Sound advice thanks for that mate.

[ozzy111]

The guy needs to find out - period. How many sob stories do we read about with the guy losing the lot to some un-scrupulous scam & then doing the five second flying lesson?

Condsider it your one good deed, however, if you can let the guy know without him knowing it is you that would be far better.

Adultery - un-pleasant but manageable.

Outright scam to get the guy for every penny - unforgivable.

This looks like the la

Cheers mate I respect your opinion.

[ray23]

Right thing to do, but never forget it comes with costs.

I faced a similar situtaion last year, wa thingking hard about it. But in the end I knew I would lose friend little time goes by he has a Mia Noi, the first wife is doen the road and he is happy with the second one now, He still says hello. I have never metioned to him, no need to embarass him he found out on his own.

Right decesion I have no idea, but it all worked out.

[rockyysdt]

Ozzy111

I'm dying to know.

What have you decided to do?

[ray23]

In the end I did nothing and it just worked itself out.

Everybody but the cheating wife is happy

[ozzy111]

Ozzy111

I'm dying to know.

What have you decided to do?

I decided after taking into consideration everyones advice to tell him but to do it anonymously.

[benfica]

<br />Buy a new SIM-card with a number no one knows and sms him the bad news.<br />It´s up to him to believe it or not. Then you have done more than enough and<br />if it leeds to their divorce it can never be traced back to you.<br />

<br /><br /><br />i agree 100% then he can decide for himself.also i can't believe the posts that some people put on here sticking up for thai women.where i came it doesn't matter if your a thai,spanish,french chinese lady if you're a whore, you're whore it is irrelevant if your rich or poor or your family is doing tough.anyhow that's just my opinion.

[ozzy111]

<br />Buy a new SIM-card with a number no one knows and sms him the bad news.<br />It´s up to him to believe it or not. Then you have done more than enough and<br />if it leeds to their divorce it can never be traced back to you.<br />

<br /><br /><br />i agree 100% then he can decide for himself.also i can't believe the posts that some people put on here sticking up for thai women.where i came it doesn't matter if your a thai,spanish,french chinese lady if you're a whore, you're whore it is irrelevant if your rich or poor or your family is doing tough.anyhow that's just my opinion.

That pretty harsh!!!!